The worst tv shows, that were once great movies

There have been many great movies that have become great t.v. series, and some that have crashed harder than the economy. These are the ones that didn't make it to a second season, or for that matter, some of them through the first. The shows that tried to squeeze every drop of money out of a movie (kinda like our Friday nights, but without the money part) These are the shows made from movies that time forgot, the ones that were either so crappy no one cared. The ones that had so much bullshit crammed into the script, the only resemblance of the actual movie, was the title itself.

Case number one - Logan's Run

Pretty awesome movie! The show was a pile of, you know.

It aired fourteen episodes, September 16, 1977 through February 6, 1978.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjW1hHy3joQ

Is that a tattoo gun? Maybe Logan's Run was more hardcore than we thought.

In the movie, it was awesome. There was a big ass central computer buried under some mountain, and you couldn't live past the age of thirty. They had crystals embedded in their palms that changed color to tell how old you are. After it turns black, you have to go in for "willing termination", if not you're called "a runner". Pretty neat huh? They had awesome guns, it was set in 2274 (that's the future), and it had a bunch of techno-awesomeness you'd expect from 2274.

The show... Well, it took place in 2319, first of all. That is a crappy year for me, so I already hate it. In the show, no one has the crystals embedded in their palms, so they must have had a damn good census bureau or something. The guns didn't just "kill people", they had a "stun", "blast" and "kill" setting, we kind of figure "blasting" would pretty much kill things, but it's the future, so what the fuck do we know? Logan runs (haha get it, "Logan's Run") away from some city where they want to kill him, meets some android named Rem, hops in a hovercraft, and has all sorts of fun adventures with horny future chicks and robots.

Case number two - Ferris Bueller's Day Off

The movie made millions, the show made us cry.

It only aired 13 episodes. It aired for only 353 days, August 23, 1990 through August 11, 1991, that's not a good ratio, I think. I'm not a rocket scientists or anything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4AtFuuaU3Wo

Who the fuck is that guy?

Great movie! A whole lot of twists and turns, suprises and a happy ending (not for the principal, though). What made it a great movie? It was the fact that all those things that Ferris and his group of renegade teenagers did, were a one time deal. How many times can you skip school, steal a car (and then total it), sing in a parade on national t.v., steal a three hundred dollar meal and get away with it all? We're betting about once.

That is why the show failed, how many times could he have stolen a car and skipped school? He would have flunked out, fast. His depressed buddy would have hung himself under the bleachers in the auditorium after the fifth episode. Ferris' girlfriend would have left him for the proverbial jock character. All these events would lead to a strung-out Ferris Bueller sleeping in gutters and whoring himself out for a few quick bucks to get his fix.

The bottom line is, "Bueller.... Bueller.... Bueller..." We would have to hear that for 13 episodes? Seriously, that's too much, even for Ben Stein.

-Ari Racz

Enjoy! And COMMENT!!!

That was a War?!

Throughout human history, we as a race have become skilled in many different abilities. Perhaps the one we excel the most, would have to be all out war. So after a spirited game of Risk in the Cracked staff room (all in all it lasted one hour and twenty eight minutes, a flipped board, and dozens of little plastic wartime heros strewn across the floor, and one really pissed off intern) We decided to research the most laughable excuses for war that have ever happened. So short, one sided, and flat out idiotic, they aren't even in any textbooks. Sure, you may have heard of The Bay Of Pigs, a little conflict we have come to know as "Vietnam", and then there's Operation Desert Storm, which was more like "Operation practice kicking ass for a few years in Iraq" (which isn't going as well as we planned).

So here they are, for you to ponder, laugh at, and just think long and hard about the question, "Why the fuck did they even bother?"

#10

The Falklands War

How long did it last? 42 days.

Who was fighting? Argentina vs. The British Empire

Who won? The British Empire

So why were they fighting?

Argentina got tired of the British occupying their land, and invaded South Georgia on March 19th, 1982. The names and the ownership of the territories had been much disputed beforehand, we're going to go out on a limb and say that "The South Sandwich Islands" was the main on that ticked them off here.

So Argentina invaded and moved onto the Falkland islands, and then the British Royal Air Force stepped up, assuming Argentina had no clue what they were getting themselves into, there was a big fight. All in all, Argentina surrendered on July 14th. Of course, neither country claimed that it was an actual war, this was the point in time where the British Empire was very polite and dignified, and didn't want to rub it in any further, and Argentine was most likely too ashamed that they tried to pull a stunt like that.

Outcome? The British Empire took everything back, and kept all the stuff the Argentinians ran away from.

#9

The Polish-Lithuanian War

How long did it last? A whole 37 days.

Who was fighting? Pretty obvious - Poland vs. Lithuania

Who won? Believe it or not, Poland

Why did they fight?

The war started not long after these two pseudo-superpowers gained their independence. It all began over the disputed cities of Vilhius, Suwalki, and Augustow. Poland claimed they had won, and with their fingers crossed, signed an agreement to stop hostilities. They promptly sent Lithuania a message along the lines of, "Hey, Lithuania, it's Poland... Fuck you." Poland then setup the puppet state of "The Republic of Central Lithuania", in a blatant attempt to confuse the Lithuanians. It was centered around the historic capitol of Lithuania, "Grand Duchy", we swear we didn't make that up. The muppet state was short lived, gained no international recognition, due to the fact that everyone isn't completely idiotic and all. Both Poland and Lithuania claimed the area to be their own, yet it was annexed to Poland after Poland's general elections. Lithuania was pissed, here at Cracked, we'd like to think the elections went something like this:

"Hey, Poland."

"Yeah, Poland?"

"What's up with that Second Republic of Lithuania?"

"Why don't we just call it Poland"

"Sweet, Poland. Sweet."

The elections were not officially recognized by Lithuania... No, shit?

#8

The Second Balkan War

How long did it last? 32 days.

Who was fighting? Bulgaria vs. Greece, Serbia, Montenegro, Romania, and The entire fucking Ottoman Empire

Who won? Everyone, except Bulgaria

So why did they try in the first place?

It all started in 1913, Bulgaria in one corner, with most of the world in the other. When the bell rang Romania and the Ottoman Empire had stuffed a few anvils into the gloves that we have come to know as "Greece" and "Serbia". The whole conflict made Serbia a pretty badass fighter, like one of those UFC guys with no teeth, and scared the shit out of Austro-Hungary, which also helped kick off WWII. Way to go, Bulgaria. (WWII was much, much longer.) Romania invaded Bulgaria on June 27th, and again on July 10th. Romania took control over the undefended Southern Dobruja, and promptly hauled ass through to Northern Bulgaria, making a few stops on the way to Sofia. At this point, the Ottoman Empire snuck up and claimed some of Bulgaria's former possessions. Bulgaria pissed itself on July 23rd, and ran away from Andrianople, without firing a single damned shot. Much of the territory that wa won to Bulgarian in the first Balkan war, was lost again, and 10 months later, WWII started up. The Second Balkan War was just practice.?

#7

The Greco-Turkish War

How long did it last? 30 days.

Who was fighting? Greece vs. The Ottoman Empire

Who won? The Ottoman Empire

Why were they fighting?

It was Greece, all the way. Greece was "concerned" about their citizens living in Crete, as they were still playing by the Ottoman's rules there. the War took place in 1897, on January 21st the Greeks, feeling all cocky, and we're assuming greasy and sexy, landed on Crete. It only took a few weeks for the Ottoman Empire to stomp the living hell out of the Greek invaders. Look at the size difference, that's like Hawaii rebelling in an attempt to secede from the rest of the U.S. The Greek action really pissed off most of Europe, who gave the Ottoman Empire the green light to dominate the Greeks. It was mostly the whole goat cheese thing, but partly because they invaded, or whatever. In the end of it all, Greece had lost every inch of land they gained, and had to pay a fuckload of fines to the Ottoman Empire. The moral? Do not fuck with the Ottoman Empire.

#6

The Sino-Vietnamese War

How long did it last? 27 Days.

Who was fighting? China vs. Vietnam

Who won? They both said they won(Is it us, or is Vietnam a sore loser?)

Why were they fighting?

Vietnam had its eye on that sexy, sexy track of land called Cambodia, so they decided to take that junk. They invaded, occupied it, and promptly mooned China. This really, really pissed China off. On February 15, 1979 The People's Republic of China decided to throw on some gloves and go toe-to-toe with Vietnam. So what happened then, you ask? China marched right up in there, and marched right back out after marching all over Vietnamese soldiers. Then they enacted a scorched earth policy, and burned or bombed anything and everything that might have been of any kind of use to the Vietnamese. Oh, then they left Pol Pot in charge of Cambodia. Real fucking nice, Vietnam.

#5

The Georgian-Armenian War

How long did it last? 24 days.

Who was fighting? Georgia vs. Armenia

Who won? Neither, they just had better shit to do.

So why were they fighting?

Both countries wanted the same territories. Seeing a pattern here? The areas they were fighting over had traditionally been bicultural, so they swing both ways, but don't like to share. It was mostly full of Armenians in the early 19th century, and Georgia wasn't havin' that. After WWI some of the territories were controlled by the Ottoman Empire, and when they got bored of them the real fighting started. On December 7th, 1918 Georgia and Armenia went from name calling and leaving bags of flaming poo on each other's front porch, to what we're assuming was the equivalent to a modern day slap fight. It went back and forth for a week or two at a time, then the British Empire (yeah, those guys again) being the nosey, er, "civil minded" nation that they were, stepped in. Then even the British Empire got bored, so they made both sides sign a cease-fire on December 31st. While Britian had a nice firm hold on their ears, they forced them to form the Georgian-Armenian Joint Administration. G.A.J.A. Really? Rolls right off the tongue, right? That administration lasted until 1920, when Russia bought a timeshare somewhere in Armenia, everyone else sort of backed away very slowly.

#4

The Serbo-Bulgarian War

How long did it last? 14 Days.

Who was fighting? The Kingdom of Serbia vs. The Kingdom of Bulgaria

Who won? Bulgaria

So why were they fighting?

They just didn't like each other that much. On November 14th, 1885 Serbia and Bulgaria went at it like a pack of rabid wolves in heat. As a result of the war, the European powers that be recognized the Act of Unification of Bulgaria, which happened on September 6th, 1885. On November 28th, the Viennese ambassador in Belgrade, Count Kevenhueller-Metsch (yeah, we stopped trying to pronounce that a long time ago) visited the headquarters of the Bulgarian Army, and demanded the ceasing of all military action. How did he accomplish such a brass balls move? Easy, he had the entire Austro-Hungarian army standing behind him. The war however, did make everyone piss their pants if anyone mentioned fighting Bulgaria. So that's a good thing, We guess.

#3

The Indo-Pakistani War

How long did it last? 13 Days.

Who was fighting? India vs. Pakistan

Who won? Uh, Bangladesh.... So, India?

Why were they fighting?

It all started out as a major dispute between the East Pakistanis and the West pakistanis. The Eastern Pakistani's had the majority of people, where as the Western Pakistani's must have had some wonder-twin rings, or some shit, so they were more powerful. The war started after the 1970 Pakistani election, it was because the voted to not have Bangladesh Liberated. For some reason, which our 21st century war-mongering selves cannot even fully comprehend, India got ticked off too, and aided in the fighting. The war started on December 16th, 1971, and raged until the 16th (we're assuming they played a hardcore game of monopoly or some shit during that time)

#2

The 6 Day War

How long did it last? ... 6 fucking days, obviously.

Who was fighting? Israel vs. Egypt, Syria, Jordan, and Iraq

Who won? Israel... No shit? Really? Nice.

Why were they fighting?

It's Israel, they don't even need a fucking reason. It all started when Israel talked some shit to Syria, then Egypt got all pissy about it. So Egypt went ahead and amassed 1,000 tanks and 100,000 troops on the border of the Sinai Peninsula, not that we know where that is, or care to. Egypt went ahead and closed the waterways to anything that was flying the Israeli flag. Naturally this pissed off Israel, who concurrently place a jihad on anyone who got in their way. On June 5, 1967 Israel proceeded to deliver the largest bitch slap in the history of mankind. And in only 6 days they increased their total land by nearly three times, and gained more then a million citizens. Of course, these citizens were just pissed off arabs, but they still kinda count... They didn't even bother with "Negotiations" they just wanted to take that shit.

And that brings us to

#1

The Anglo-Zanzibar War

Now, I bet you're thinking to yourself "How short does a war have to be to make it to number fucking one?"

less than 45 minutes, to be exact.

Who was fighting? Zanzibar vs. The British Empire

Who won? Not Zanzibar

Why were they fighting?

It wasn't so much a fight, as a complete destruction of morality, more like you beating a one eye llama in a game of pong. In 1896 the current sultan of Zanzibar, which whom the British were pleased to do business with, died. His successor? His nephew, Khalid Bin Bargash. The British Empire was not pleased. This new sultan loved slaves! Couldn't get enough of them! The British Empire was attempting to stop slave trade in the area. So what happened next? In the morning of August 27th, 1896, the British Empire issued an ultimatum to the sultan "Get the fuck out, or we will make you." The sultan wasn't having it, and replied with a highly formal "Suck my balls, Britain." And then fortified a palace. The British Empire shrugged, and set up shop in the bay right in front of the palace. Then the sultan backed off, but it was too late. And The British Empire started to shell the palace, for about 45 minutes. At this point, the sultan shat himself a few times, and ran away. Then in a balls out awesome move, the British Empire charged Zanzibar for every shot they fired. Oh, The British empire also landed some troops on the shore, just to play volleyball though.

-Ari Racz

I was reading the other day about someone suing Oprah for extortion...

So I decided I'd go and look up a few "tricky" people and see what I can find!

In 1991, Richard Overton sued Anheuser-Busch for false and misleading advertising under Michigan State law. The complaint specifically referenced ads involving, among other things, fantasies of beautiful women in tropical settings that came to life for two men driving a Bud Light truck. He also included one claim that appears to allege that he personally suffered injuries as a result of the false advertisements. I think he just ran after the beer truck for a mile and scraped his knee or something. A number of publications and websites parodied this lawsuit by focusing only on the third claim for relief and ignoring Mr. Overton's civic minded efforts to prevent Bud Light from making false or misleading claims in its advertisements. That happens to me all the time, I just don't sue over it. I just thought it happened to everyone. While it does appear that the third claim for relief is based on alleged injuries (including "personal injury to his health both physical and mental, emotional distress, and financial loss in excess of $10,000") that guy can really drink a lot, suffered by Mr. Overton in as a result of Anheuser-Busch's alleged false advertising, that is only one of three claims made in the complaint. That's a bit over the top, even for a drunkard with a horrible idea.

We all know that when you open a beer, you do not attract supermodels. That happens when you open your bank account.

In 1995, Robert Lee Brock sued himself for $5 million. He claimed that he had violated his own civil rights and religious beliefs by allowing himself to get drunk and commit crimes which landed him in the Indian Creek Correctional Center in Virginia, serving a 23 year sentence for grand larceny and breaking and entering. What could he possibly have to gain by suing himself? Since being in prison prevented him from having an income, he expected the state to pay. This case was thrown out.

Well, now that plan is out the window, We should aim for this one...

On a $5 dare from friends, 13-year-old Justin Porter climbed 35 feet up an electric transmission tower. Who was to know such an adventure might prove dangerous? 19,700 volts later, his mother, Anna Thebeau, is suing the electric utility, Ameren, saying it should have fenced off the tower against trespassers, should have posted a big warning sign on it, should have designed it so that it could not be climbed up, and should have insulated the wires far overhead. Because it's unlikely that anyone, anyone, would be so stupid as to not see a "Danger High Voltage" sign no matter what the size...

At least he made $5 off the whole deal.

-Ari Racz

The most disgusting jobs, ever

Sewer Diver

Swimming in sewers. Yeah, fucking swimming in a nasty sewer. But someone has to do it right? So you're bobbing around in a nice thick pool of everything that comes out of a human body, and sometimes, a human body itself. There's bacteria, poo, some dead things floating around, most likely some kind of toxic waste. Oh, did I mention it smells like a rotting corpse taking a dump in a toxic waste depository? Yeah, that's nasty, and those guys do that, every day.

Would you swim in that just to remove the neighbor's cat from the drainpipe? Yeah, doubtful.

Crime Scene Cleaner

Basically, these guys clean up after murders and suicides. Have you ever heard the expression "I would hate to be the guy that has to clean that up." These are the guys. And they are tough as nails, that clean stuff. I knew a guy that did this for a living once, he was crazy, and enjoyed it. Now I'm not saying he's a messed up guy, but that's pretty gross. In order for you to actually get it clean, you'd have to pick up pieces of bone, tissue, blood, whatever the guy left for you to "clean up". If you flinch at any of the horror movies involving blood, this is not for you, as a warning, I respectfully ask you, forget about being a crime scene cleaner. Post traumatic stress disorder, and many other mental impairments can arise from doing this kind of work. It's dangerous too, so they have to wear Hazmat suits and gear, you know, all the infectious diseases, meth, and what have you.


Depending on the crime, (or punishment) the cleanup can take an hour or two, to a few days. They charge by the hour though, so it's alright, and they easily scale the $75,000 mark. Point me to the room of gore, please.



Organic Coffee-Farmer 

Yeah I know "How the hell is farming coffee dirty, also, we fucking love coffee."

So these coffee-farmers, as we'll call them, use something along the lines of compost. It's kelp, donkey crap, and a bunch of other stuff you really don't want to touch. Sure they can use a shovel, but they like it dirty, and use their hands. Now, you see, this stuff smells so bad it literally has stink lines coming off it, literally.  So they just build sandcastles out of shit, then maybe have a poo ball fight, and grow some coffee, yes, Starbucks coffee is organic. So, how about that latte?

Hospital Cleanup Crew  

When you go to the E.R. it's all nice and clean, and nothing like that show about the E.R. (you know the one. Hospitals are supposed to be clean and sterile, so sterilized that you can practically eat off the floor. I really urge against eating off any floor, my lawyers told me I had to say that.)  Open up one of those garbage cans. Inside those bags are hypodermic needles, brain matter, blood, contaminated feces, pus-soaked cotton balls, amputated limbs (yes, they just throw those out) and a good deal of tissue and fat from the plastic surgery department. These guy's job is to clean all that up, and put it away where nobody can see them.

Aside from the fact it's fucking horridly disgusting, you're dealing with germs, not "the cold", I'm talking Ebola, AIDS, Herpes, and of course, the clap. The reason people went to the hospital in the first place is to not die from whatever they have. While most clean up crews can more or less assume that the yellow mush is left over mashed potatoes, what they're
actually looking at it s a blob of lipids from a liposuction.

Worm taster 

Yeah, "What the fuck?!" is right.

There are a number of Worm Breeders, they sell worms to the fishing tackle shops who then sell them to
people who go fishing. Worms come in a number of breeds, some are more attractive to fish than others – breeders
are always searching for the perfect worm, one that the fish can’t resist. Yet, that begs the question "Why can't we just give these fish a worm and see if they freak out over it?" That’s where these unlucky bastards come in, they spend each and every day sniffing, feeling and, of course, eating raw worms in an effort to find those new breeds that the fish will like.  Because there are people that know what fish like, assuming you're Aquaman, this is pretty much the only thing you could actually do as a living. On top of that the pay is minimum wages, and you're Aquaman.

"So, how was work today?"

"Pretty shitty."

"It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it."

-Ari Racz

So I got bored and decided to email L. Ron Hubbard. (Yeah, THAT L. Ron Hubbard...)

I know, he's not alive. I just wanted to poke fun at their institution, if that's what you want to call it. I never expected the outcome. You might want to sit down for this one.

From: AlexanderAriRacz@aim.com
To: Xenu4U24@aim.com
Date: Oct 17, 2008 2:34 PM
Subject: Hello, May I ask a few questions, Mr. Hubbard?

Dear Mr. Hubbard,

I know you died in 1986, and there’s that whole "I’m alive and you aren’t" thing. I am deeply curious about this religion you call “Scientology”. It sounds great! I am partial to earth sciences myself, biology, astronomy, physics, chemistry, which of these does Scientology incorporate? Is Scientology based on the worship of science? Is there a defined Deity, like Einstein or Tesla, for example? I do not want to take up too much of your time, so I will leave you with one last question. What is the basis, the background, and the belief system of Scientology?

Respectfully,

Ari Racz

And then He actually responded. (Warning, those of you prone to having a brain crippling aneurism due to confusion, turn your head now.)

From: Xenu4U24@aim.com
To: AlexanderAriRacz@aim.com

Date: Oct 18, 2008 5:48 PM
Subject: RE: Hello, May I ask a few questions, Mr. Hubbard?

Dear Ari,

Thank you so much for writing me! I am actually extremely delighted that you wrote, Xenu just never shuts up about hydrogen bombs and volcanoes! Now, to answer your questions, yes, Scientology is great. It is the study and handling of the spirit in relationship to itself, others, and all of life. Pretty spiffy isn’t it? Scientology encompasses all aspects of life from the point of view of the spirit! I won’t get into too much detail, partly because I want you to understand the basics of it before I dive right in. Mostly, because Xenu charges for “Clicky time” as He calls it.

We base our religion on a few core beliefs, mainly “That which is true for you is what you have observed to be true”. Pretty deep, isn’t it? Also, we believe that people are an immortal spiritual being (the proper term is ‘Thetan’) who possesses a mind and a body. We teach that Psychiatry and Psychology are abusive and destructive practices. I know, some of our members might seem like they need it, but I assure you, that’s just the negative spirits.

We use a technique called “Dianetics”, I am particularly proud of this practice, as I am the one that created it. It works like this, you sit down with someone which we call an "auditor", they basically allow you to hypnotize yourself and direct your spirit on its journey. It’s just a look at your mind, and all the experiences you have ever had as a Thetan.

Our symbol is quite nice as well, it consists of an S, for Scientology, obviously. As well as two triangles, the ARC and the KRC (I’m not sure what those mean, but Xenu was pretty adamant about having them on there). Here’s a picture of it. Pretty, right?

The history and the belief system of our great religion, are really quite simple. Here’s the story, I mean, the true history of our perfect religion, and it makes perfect sense, trust me. 75 million years ago Xenu, the Alien Lord of the Galactic Confederacy, brought billions of people to earth in a spaceship that looks kinda like a Douglas DC-8 airplane, but it was millions of years ago, so that Douglas guy copied him… Anyways, he packed these billions of people around a giant volcano, and dropped a bunch of Hydrogen Bombs into it. I know what you’re thinking “Why would he do that, that’s kinda mean”, right? Well, he did this to free the spirits of those people, causing them to be attached to the people that still have their bodies intact, as they still do to this very day! See, makes perfect sense!

Some of our more advanced members focus primarily on isolating these alien souls and neutralizing their ill effects. Scientology truly is a great religion! We have over 3.1 million members on Earth alone! (So my contacts back on Earth tell me!). Well, I should be going now, Xenu has been wanting to download Season 1 of Hannah Montana. Whoever that is.

Thank you again for writing to me, I seem to have been forgotten after all this time. Oh, by the way, how did you get my email address?

Best regards,

L. Ron Hubbard

Sci-Fi author and founder of The Church Of Scientology

Ok, Wow, this guy is crazy even from beyond the grave. Damn.

-Ari Racz

Narwhals: They totally need a good dentist

(Thanks for the Narwhal Liz! It's Perfect!!*)

And that isn't a horn. It's a Tooth.

In Inuit legends, the Narwhal was created when a woman holding onto a harpoon was pulled into the ocean. Then it gets odd... She was wrapped around the harpoon, then the submerged woman got wrapped around a beluga whale on the other end of the harpoon. Thus proving that anything is possible if you are drunk enough. Some medieval Europeans believed that the Narwhal tusks were the horns of unicorns.I can see the resemblance.

The tusks were said to have magical powers. My guess, is that they had the "magical ability" to make people believe complete B.S. That would explain why so many people would buy these things, shape them into cups and whatnot, thinking they'd be protected from poison, if someone should poison them, in that cup...

(Queen Elizabeth- She paid the equivalent of 2 million dollars for one!)

And I guess the poison added to the drinks, was the Narwhals trying to defend themselves...

I'll get back to those tusks in a bit, OK? Hold your horses!

The name "Narwhal" is based on the old Norse word, "Nar" meaning corpse. RUN!!! ZOMBIE NARWHAL! Oh, wait, it's because of their coloration, dur. Some people refer to them as "Moon Whales", and the Inuit, yeah those crazy guys! They call them " Qilalugaq", once again, with enough booze, you can make up anything. While the Inuit are allowed to hunt them, because they live in an ice house and all, and I guess they are still mad about that whole harpoon/ woman / beluga whale thing. Now, how the Inuit knew they were in the same family is a mystery, because they were always too drunk, I suppose. Don't tell Ahab, but they are both white whales!

You can spot them mostly in the north Atlantic, around the arctic. Sometimes you can get a glimpse of them alone in the North Hudson Bay area, the Hudson Straight, and the Baffin Bay area. I totally have no idea where any of those places are, but they sound cold. There are about 25,000 to 50,000, but what do I know, I left a giant margin for error. PETA isn't too happy about that, but c'mon, is there anything they're really happy about?

The truth of the tusks origin gradually came out of the dark during the age of exploration. i guess they got fed up drinking out of "unicorn cups" and wanted to see what all the fuss was about. So explorers and naturalists started to go check them out for themselves.

And in 1555 some guy named Olaus Mangus published a drawing of a fish-like creature with a horn on its head. I guess he couldn't tell the difference between a whale and a fish, maybe it was the giant horn that threw him off?

OK! Back to the horn! Or tusk, or tooth, whatever! The males usually have only one horn, about one in 500 could have two, they are the lucky guys! One female has been recorded with two tusks, ever. Anyways, it's a tooth that grows usually out of the left side of the upper jaw and forms a left handed helix. the tusks can get around 10ft. long, the whale itself is about 13-16 ft. They still haven't figured out why these guys have tusks, probably to stab stuff, but what do I know right? Research has shown it to be a sensory organ, but they aren't sure what it senses. I know, great research right? The males can weigh up to about 3,500 lbs. and the females around 2,200 lbs. The guys really let themselves go!

They are pale, with brown speckles, their heads, necks, and edges of the flippers can be nearly black. The older they get, the brighter they get. They can eat pretty much whatever they want, but they prefer Long John Silver's. They love the fish and shrimp platter. And they even have the occasional baby seal... Why does PETA like these guys again?

So In my style of writing about interesting and crazy stuff, I think these guys fit right in!

Thanks for the topic Lizzie and Vicky!

-Ari Racz

* That Belongs to Liz!

Image © Elizabeth Savenella.

We Are Doomed. (It's robots, this time)

Honda has a robot called "ASIMO" I'm not sure what it stands for, but I'm sure it's something along the lines of "We're screwed". I'm sure you're most likely heard about it, it's been around for almost a decade now.

Above : The Evolution of Evil.

The current version, shown on the far right, stands an astonishing 4'-3" tall, and weighs 119 KG. I know what you're thinking, that's not that impressive. But c'mon, it's a friggin robot. So what's so special about it, then, you ask? That's what I'm about to tell you, keep your shirt on over there.

This thing is completely autonomous. You know, doesn't need you or any of your human friends to tell it what to do. They gave it prediction technology, to tell it either to step back and let you pass, or stick out its foot and laugh at you as you tumble down that giant flight of stairs in your office. They can carry around trays, I'm assuming full of vile upon vile of highly corrosive materials.

"Oh ASIMO, thanks for the AAAAARRRRGHHH"

They also know when they need to recharge. And here you thought you could hide until the battery wore out, thus avoiding being a human slave in the silicone mines.

Oh, shit. They networked them, can you say SkyNet? Basically, when one needs to charge, or has a craving for some delicious human blood to lubricate all those intricate parts, the others can still cull the heard when the needy one is charging up. Since 05' Honda has been trying to progress these guys and make them smarter. Really? Wow, Now it can count all the severed heads of our fallen brothers! And they are also trying to make them more agile and sturdy. Great, there goes out ability to outrun them, why don't they just give them jet packs or something?

Great, Now I'm just handing them ideas.

So, they can now fly, and run, and predict where you will be so they can "get out of your way" I guess that really means "Destroy you".

Honda isn't going to stop. The robots have continuously improved, Honda says "We will continue to our efforts to further advance intelligence technologies with the goal to develop a robot which can be truly useful in a real world environment where coexisting with people is required" (and I swear I heard someone say "find Sarah Connor" under their breath) And what about the robot apocalypse?! They brought one of these things to Moscow for a car show, and I guess the Russians thought it was a transformer or something, and promptly attacked Georgia, upon entering the country, Russia and "ASIMO Military Command Unit 1", as their leader has come to be known formed an alliance. Ok, so I made that last part up, but don't you see how easy it is to make one of these all evil?

NO ASIMO! NOT THE CHILDREN!!!!

So these guys have been around for a long while, no doubt sent from some evil robot planet to spy on us and learn what our weaknesses are. Guess what? We are pretty weak against Robots. So I'd say we're out of luck. Let's just hope that they don't force us to live underground in tunnels, and have oatmeal for every meal. That would get really old, really fast.

So next time you say "Man, that would be so awesome to have a robot!"

Think twice.

-Ari Racz

Platypus: Nature's "WTF did I do last night?!"

Now, I know what you're problably thinking. "The Platypus? We already know about the platypus!" Do you? Do you really? Have you taken time to research it? Yeah, didn't think so! Well, I have, and here's the scoop, being kinda a cool guy, I dug up a fuckload of information, just for you!

That's a Platypus!

To start with, when those European adventurers, yeah, the same ones with the whole "Route to China" deal. When they found out about this egg-laying, duck-billed, beaver-tailed, otter-footed, and did I mention they are friggin venomous? I'll get back to that one. These Euro-plorers thought the platypus was a fraud, a hoax, a big duck-billed joke. They thought pelts and specimines were actually taxedermy by asian dudes, wow, it's an old stereotype that they are weirdos! Yet, today, the platypus is an icon in Australia, a mascot at many national events, hell! it's even on the back of thier 20 cent coin! Wait, they do use cents right? I mean, I researched an animal, not Australia.

Moving on! At this point, you may be thinking "Hey, cool! I didn't know that! Now, what did you say earlier about the things being venomous?" The platypus has a poisonous spur on its hind legs, well, only the males, but that still counts! My best guess is that they got made fun of so much, they sent out one of those ads in the back of a comic for some poison spurs...

"Now you can be like a venomous cowboy too!!"

What it is, is that the platypus is a badass. Hardcore to the max. They don't want to kill you, that's no fun, they just want you to wish you were dead. The platypus venom can cause such severe pain, that you would actually consider sawing off your own hand to make it stop.

That is the timeline of events.

Did I mention, the pain can last for months? The real reason they have a spike of enormous pain is to beat the living crap out of other platypus for a mate. Sounds a lot like your jock buddy at a frat party, huh?

On to the freakishness that is the reason the platypus is well, so freaky! First of all, there's that tail. Yeah, I'm working my way up to the best part. That beavery tail is used to store fat, I'm not sure if that's what the beavers use it for, but I'm assuming they also use it for ping pong. Oh, and there's an agreed upon plural for beavers, it's beavers, duh. Platapus on the other hand, not so much. So go ahead and use Platypus, Platypi, Platypuses, the Greek plural is Platypodes, and that sounds fun! Anywho, I'm sure you won't see a platypus pounding mud into a crack in a dam with that flat fat sack... Oh, yeah, the tail and the body are covered in really, really thick fur. that's for insulation, you know, simming around in 40degree water and all. Next up! those crazy feet! Obviously for swimming, well, the front more so. They are really, really, really good swimmers, and the back feet steer... That's about it for the feet... On to, yes, that duck-bill! It's not like a duck's bill or anything, it doesn't split in half to open the mouth, the platypi mouth is underneath it. The top is a sensory organ, and not just a nose, guys! That bill is actually for electrolocation. Yes, I said it, this thing is like a shark too.

Yeah, you know how sharks find food? Same thing here guys. Ok, so let's review real fast. The platypus is more like a Duck-beaver-snake-shark-mammal-thing. I won't get into the technical details of how it works, although I might write about it some other time, like when I run out of crazy stuff to write about.

Not Likely.

(I should totally try to interview this guy)

Back to the bill... Not only does the Platypus have electroreceptors, but they can also sense movement. Not like you, laying in bed, and your cat lunges at your toes in the dark. They sense the pressure that movement causes in the air and water. Told you, Badass.

That's totally not his gun.

You would be pretty neat if you could actually spot one. they are brown, river water is brown, they eat stuff on the bottom, you are at the top. They problably do not want to get caught by something bigger either. Oh, don't get me wrong, they wouldn't think twice about shanking you with those glorious spikes of infinite pain, by the way. They are damn fine swimmers, they aren't any Phelps or anything, but he's actually Aquaman, and no one likes that guy. They can only hold thier breath for about 30 seconds. Don't laugh, they know where you live, and have big spikes of doom. Oh yeah, they are carnivores, by the way. Bet you didn't know that little fact, huh? They eat worms, larvae, freshwater shrimp, and crayfish, you know those little lobsters. It stores its food in its cheeks so that it can eat it later. They need about 20% of thier body weight a day... That's like a pound of food man. A pound.

So I leave you with the fact that the platypus, is actually a duck-billed, beaver-tailed, web-footed, furry fuzzy, mamalian, venomous, shark like, squirrelly creature.

-Ari Racz

"Alien Hand Syndrome"

It's otherwise known as "Dr. Strangelove Syndrome". My guess, is because it would be really strange, well, you know. It's a type of neurological disorder, one of the hands of the sufferer "has a mind of its own". Sometimes the sufferer will have no clue what the hell that pesky self aware hand is up to, until someone says "Excuse me sir, could you kindly remove your hand from my wife's purse?" The hand can also do some pretty complex stuff, like unbutton clothing, remove clothing, use tools, pick someone else's nose, etc... What the hell is that all about?

"Sorry I tore off your shirt, I have alien hand syndrome"

"It wasn't me, it was my hand!"

(I smell a career in soap opera writing ahead for me!!!)

Sometimes people believe it is possessed by some intelligent or alien force. Sometimes they seem to think the hand is simply "misbehaving". Really? Do you think so? I mean, what was your first clue? That handgun? I'm sure you'd have to be crazy in the first place to think it was actually possessed, or Catholic.

One of the reasons it happens at all, is that you have some crazy epilepsy, and can't stop having seizures. So your brilliant fucking doctor says to you one day "Hey, I know, let's slice your brain in half right down the middle and see if that does the trick"

GREAT! Thanks Doc! Now I'm lighting fires all over my apartment without knowing it until my neighbor starts screaming about her cats! There are many ways to get it, all of which involve brain injury. Let me go through a few for you quickly. There's damage to the "Corpus Callosum", the part of the brain that connects both halves. That kind of injury can give you "purposeful" Alien hand Syndrome. That's when your hands are like you and your bitchy little sister trying everything you can to spite the other. So it basically boils down to this- Our brain doesn't know what the hell it's doing, and neither do we.

When you have "Alien Hand Syndrome", for fucks sake, I'm going to start calling.... "Retarded Limb Disease". You could literally put a cigarette in your mouth with your right hand (yes I know, talent!) and as soon as you are going to grab your lighter, your douche of a left hand snatches it right out of your mouth, and throws it into a garbage disposal. I think that's a very rude misbehaving hand!

Think about having a doctor's note for that. I mean seriously, the possibilities! You could smack a random person on the subway, flash a note, and say "Sorry, dude, I have Alien hand syndrome", so which they would reply "Oh, hey, that's Retarded Limb Disease, right?". That's right, now you too can have your very own personal, portable, always ready to take the fall, scapegoat!

Let me talk a bit about the humor of this disease, which mind you, I'll shorten up already. "RLD". That'll do, that'll do fine. So, let's say that you're on your couch, watching TV. You are thinking about watching MacGuyver

He built that out of a popsicle stick, some pepper and a chipmunk.

and your left hand is thinking about watching Love Boat.

Seriously?

Boy, your left hand is a real jerk! It's going to watch love boat. And you are going to have to pry that remote out of your hand's cold, dead fingers.

Now on the other hand, ouch, sorry about the pun. There is "posterior" RLD, that does not mean you'll have an excuse to grab any one's ass you want, no, not even your own. Because this type, actually causes your hand to say "I'm NOT touching that" and by says, I mean actively avoids at all cost.

In a nutshell, what I'm saying is, it's a pretty messed up thing to have. Thanks again, Doc. The parts of your brain that collectively control the parts of your body, are dumb, and they get into a fight, then they never talk again, end up being estranged, and they meet on the bus one day and cry, but that's about it. I guess that's why we can never make up our minds, because our minds can't themselves!

So, my advice, and I like to believe it's rooted firmly in "common sense", is just avoid a few little things. Avoid brain damage to any mentioned part of the brain. OH! And the whole "Your brain split down the middle" thing, once again, thanks, Doc. Apparently it's OK to just saw stuff in half and hope for the best! OH!! Can't forget "The Evil Dead" That's an important one.

OOPS! Epilepsy!

-Ari Racz