Friday, September 26, 2008

Platypus: Nature's "WTF did I do last night?!"

Now, I know what you're problably thinking. "The Platypus? We already know about the platypus!" Do you? Do you really? Have you taken time to research it? Yeah, didn't think so! Well, I have, and here's the scoop, being kinda a cool guy, I dug up a fuckload of information, just for you!

That's a Platypus!

To start with, when those European adventurers, yeah, the same ones with the whole "Route to China" deal. When they found out about this egg-laying, duck-billed, beaver-tailed, otter-footed, and did I mention they are friggin venomous? I'll get back to that one. These Euro-plorers thought the platypus was a fraud, a hoax, a big duck-billed joke. They thought pelts and specimines were actually taxedermy by asian dudes, wow, it's an old stereotype that they are weirdos! Yet, today, the platypus is an icon in Australia, a mascot at many national events, hell! it's even on the back of thier 20 cent coin! Wait, they do use cents right? I mean, I researched an animal, not Australia.

Moving on! At this point, you may be thinking "Hey, cool! I didn't know that! Now, what did you say earlier about the things being venomous?" The platypus has a poisonous spur on its hind legs, well, only the males, but that still counts! My best guess is that they got made fun of so much, they sent out one of those ads in the back of a comic for some poison spurs...

"Now you can be like a venomous cowboy too!!"

What it is, is that the platypus is a badass. Hardcore to the max. They don't want to kill you, that's no fun, they just want you to wish you were dead. The platypus venom can cause such severe pain, that you would actually consider sawing off your own hand to make it stop.

That is the timeline of events.

Did I mention, the pain can last for months? The real reason they have a spike of enormous pain is to beat the living crap out of other platypus for a mate. Sounds a lot like your jock buddy at a frat party, huh?

On to the freakishness that is the reason the platypus is well, so freaky! First of all, there's that tail. Yeah, I'm working my way up to the best part. That beavery tail is used to store fat, I'm not sure if that's what the beavers use it for, but I'm assuming they also use it for ping pong. Oh, and there's an agreed upon plural for beavers, it's beavers, duh. Platapus on the other hand, not so much. So go ahead and use Platypus, Platypi, Platypuses, the Greek plural is Platypodes, and that sounds fun! Anywho, I'm sure you won't see a platypus pounding mud into a crack in a dam with that flat fat sack... Oh, yeah, the tail and the body are covered in really, really thick fur. that's for insulation, you know, simming around in 40degree water and all. Next up! those crazy feet! Obviously for swimming, well, the front more so. They are really, really, really good swimmers, and the back feet steer... That's about it for the feet... On to, yes, that duck-bill! It's not like a duck's bill or anything, it doesn't split in half to open the mouth, the platypi mouth is underneath it. The top is a sensory organ, and not just a nose, guys! That bill is actually for electrolocation. Yes, I said it, this thing is like a shark too.

Yeah, you know how sharks find food? Same thing here guys. Ok, so let's review real fast. The platypus is more like a Duck-beaver-snake-shark-mammal-thing. I won't get into the technical details of how it works, although I might write about it some other time, like when I run out of crazy stuff to write about.

Not Likely.
(I should totally try to interview this guy)

Back to the bill... Not only does the Platypus have electroreceptors, but they can also sense movement. Not like you, laying in bed, and your cat lunges at your toes in the dark. They sense the pressure that movement causes in the air and water. Told you, Badass.
That's totally not his gun.

You would be pretty neat if you could actually spot one. they are brown, river water is brown, they eat stuff on the bottom, you are at the top. They problably do not want to get caught by something bigger either. Oh, don't get me wrong, they wouldn't think twice about shanking you with those glorious spikes of infinite pain, by the way. They are damn fine swimmers, they aren't any Phelps or anything, but he's actually Aquaman, and no one likes that guy. They can only hold thier breath for about 30 seconds. Don't laugh, they know where you live, and have big spikes of doom. Oh yeah, they are carnivores, by the way. Bet you didn't know that little fact, huh? They eat worms, larvae, freshwater shrimp, and crayfish, you know those little lobsters. It stores its food in its cheeks so that it can eat it later. They need about 20% of thier body weight a day... That's like a pound of food man. A pound.
So I leave you with the fact that the platypus, is actually a duck-billed, beaver-tailed, web-footed, furry fuzzy, mamalian, venomous, shark like, squirrelly creature.

-Ari Racz

"Alien Hand Syndrome"

It's otherwise known as "Dr. Strangelove Syndrome". My guess, is because it would be really strange, well, you know. It's a type of neurological disorder, one of the hands of the sufferer "has a mind of its own". Sometimes the sufferer will have no clue what the hell that pesky self aware hand is up to, until someone says "Excuse me sir, could you kindly remove your hand from my wife's purse?" The hand can also do some pretty complex stuff, like unbutton clothing, remove clothing, use tools, pick someone else's nose, etc... What the hell is that all about?

"Sorry I tore off your shirt, I have alien hand syndrome"

"It wasn't me, it was my hand!"

(I smell a career in soap opera writing ahead for me!!!)
Sometimes people believe it is possessed by some intelligent or alien force. Sometimes they seem to think the hand is simply "misbehaving". Really? Do you think so? I mean, what was your first clue? That handgun? I'm sure you'd have to be crazy in the first place to think it was actually possessed, or Catholic.

One of the reasons it happens at all, is that you have some crazy epilepsy, and can't stop having seizures. So your brilliant fucking doctor says to you one day "Hey, I know, let's slice your brain in half right down the middle and see if that does the trick"
GREAT! Thanks Doc! Now I'm lighting fires all over my apartment without knowing it until my neighbor starts screaming about her cats! There are many ways to get it, all of which involve brain injury. Let me go through a few for you quickly. There's damage to the "Corpus Callosum", the part of the brain that connects both halves. That kind of injury can give you "purposeful" Alien hand Syndrome. That's when your hands are like you and your bitchy little sister trying everything you can to spite the other. So it basically boils down to this- Our brain doesn't know what the hell it's doing, and neither do we.

When you have "Alien Hand Syndrome", for fucks sake, I'm going to start calling.... "Retarded Limb Disease". You could literally put a cigarette in your mouth with your right hand (yes I know, talent!) and as soon as you are going to grab your lighter, your douche of a left hand snatches it right out of your mouth, and throws it into a garbage disposal. I think that's a very rude misbehaving hand!

Think about having a doctor's note for that. I mean seriously, the possibilities! You could smack a random person on the subway, flash a note, and say "Sorry, dude, I have Alien hand syndrome", so which they would reply "Oh, hey, that's Retarded Limb Disease, right?". That's right, now you too can have your very own personal, portable, always ready to take the fall, scapegoat!

Let me talk a bit about the humor of this disease, which mind you, I'll shorten up already. "RLD". That'll do, that'll do fine. So, let's say that you're on your couch, watching TV. You are thinking about watching MacGuyver

He built that out of a popsicle stick, some pepper and a chipmunk.

and your left hand is thinking about watching Love Boat.


Boy, your left hand is a real jerk! It's going to watch love boat. And you are going to have to pry that remote out of your hand's cold, dead fingers.

Now on the other hand, ouch, sorry about the pun. There is "posterior" RLD, that does not mean you'll have an excuse to grab any one's ass you want, no, not even your own. Because this type, actually causes your hand to say "I'm NOT touching that" and by says, I mean actively avoids at all cost.

In a nutshell, what I'm saying is, it's a pretty messed up thing to have. Thanks again, Doc. The parts of your brain that collectively control the parts of your body, are dumb, and they get into a fight, then they never talk again, end up being estranged, and they meet on the bus one day and cry, but that's about it. I guess that's why we can never make up our minds, because our minds can't themselves!

So, my advice, and I like to believe it's rooted firmly in "common sense", is just avoid a few little things. Avoid brain damage to any mentioned part of the brain. OH! And the whole "Your brain split down the middle" thing, once again, thanks, Doc. Apparently it's OK to just saw stuff in half and hope for the best! OH!! Can't forget "The Evil Dead" That's an important one.

OOPS! Epilepsy!

-Ari Racz