Saturday, December 26, 2009

The most useless USB devices created in the history of the universe, ever

If there is one thing I know, it is that there is no other reason to have a computer besides porn, and reading my blog. So it is no stretch of the imagination that people would inexplicably combine their "hardware" for a more interesting "software" experience. The age of computers has brought the likes of absurdity into the limelight. We've all seen strange computer attachments, like a coffee mug warmer, which actually comes in handy when you have coffee, but the "Humping Dog" usb drive that literally sold-out on is just mind boggling.
Here's a look at some other peripherals, that would completely blind-side the unseasoned “pornnet” (that’s the new name for the interwebs) user.

The "22-7"

It is a 22 inch monitor. No big deal, right? When you need a "little bit of extra" workspace, that's when you attach a 7" monitor to it. Some people think it's a great idea, exactly 2 people in fact. The rest of the world doesn’t really want to have to do office work on a gameboy screen. Sure the price tag is low compared to, well, anything you'd actually think is handy, yet those two people actually believe it is worth it!

Here is an excerpt from one of the reviews on the site I found it on.

"Actually it makes a lot of sense, if you use graphical tools or photo tools they have a lot of toolbars that get in the way of your work, having those toolbars on another screen helps a lot." - Broken Bird

Well, when you put it that way...

The USB powered Ass Cooler

Where would this article be without Japan? The world loves Japan, more so in the way that we just can't look away. 90% of the articles you will read on the entire internet are fueled by Japanese rage, and by rage, I mean horrid perversity. Those crazy Japanese have decided that the only thing better than sitting in your underwear at the computer for 64 hours straight(link to guy dying at computer in internet café), is to do the same with a nice chilled rump. So they have brought to you, the USB powered butt cooler. It is exactly what it sounds like. You plug it in, sit on it (Ayyyy) and let the cooling feeling creep up your cheeks. Perhaps it would be a bit better to just, you know, stand up every now and then.
"Ayyy, my ass is the coolest!"

The Rocket

I can picture it now. You sitting in your little cubicle, swearing to God and anyone else within earshot about that TPS report you have to finish. Why not blow off some steam? Here’s your ticket. The USB powered, computer aimed rocket launcher. No, it doesn’t explode. No, it isn’t impressive. But you can be damned sure to garnish absolutely  no respect from anyone that you shoot it at, if you still have a job after all the “assault” charges that will be filed against you. Just remember to aim for the eyes, it’s the only chance you’ll have at a clean getaway.
Careful there, Saddam!

The USB Necktie

Are you an on-the-go business man? A eccentric philanthropist? A complete loser? Then this is the tie for you! I don’t really have too much to say about it. Other than, why the hell would anyone wear this, I mean, who’s going to be so busy that they don’t have time to actually just pull a USB out of their pocket? Seriously, get a life whomever is wearing this. Yes, you, the one guy in the universe that actually bought this. Douche.
He owns 27 of them.
-Ari Racz

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Santa is really a zombie (Seriously)

Actually, Saint Nick isn’t a fat guy at all. Also, he never gave out presents, unless you count the massive dowry he put up so a few chicks didn’t have to be prostitutes. Wait, what? It’s true! He gave three impoverished daughters of a pious Christian enough cash so they wouldn’t have to whore it out all over the place. Now that's the spirit!
Santa at his best.

Santa doesn’t live in the North Pole, not year-round at least. Among his many homes, the zip codes include H0H0 H0, and 99705, from Canada and Alaska, respectively. He is also said to live in Finland, Denmark, Greenland, Norway, Sweden, and Jersey Gardens (The shopping mall). Basically, Santa is an international playboy. I would have to assume his wife isn’t old and ugly, but rather a former Bond girl that dresses up like an elf every now and then.

Because he lives in Canada, you’d probably not want to get your hopes up too high, just expect a sweater and some reindeer socks. The Canadian Minister of Immigration actually proclaimed Santa a full-fledged citizen of Canada, so that’s one thing they have on everyone else.
And whatever the hell this is all about.

Santa does have a magical workshop in the North Pole, it’s magic, and yes it’s there. He owns many sweatshops across the globe, where he “employs” magical elves…
"Magical" "Workshop"

After they have worked themselves into malnutrition and bloody fingers, he feeds them to his reindeer. How else do you think they fly? Duh. Oh, and those reindeer socks you’re getting, also dyed with elf blood. Just saying.

Kids have been writing letters to Santa for like, ever. They get answered by volunteers from the post office. More than 13,000 a year since 1982, actually. That just leaves one question in the minds of the youth of today. “Daddy, why does my letter from Santa smell like the study on poker night?”

The truth about Santa, is that his modern image was created by a few poets and story tellers over the past few centuries. It seems that companies can sell an image that looks like this:

Compared to this:
"I present you, children. Don't ask."

Yeah, that’s what he would have really looked like, not too interesting, right? Much better as a fat guy that breaks into your house and steals your milk and cookies every year. It’s only natural that a few people would want to make the whole story and enigma of Santa just that much less tangible to the imagination. Because in reality, he wasn’t that great, in fact, he was just really, really religious. “Saint Nicholas of Myra was just a Greek Christian Bishop, and he was typically portrayed wearing your basic monkish robe and gear". (Think the friar from Robin Hood)
Santa is actually very dead. Originally his remains were laid to rest in Turkey. Turkey also claims the title of “Final resting place of the Virgin Mary”, suck on that every other country, ever. Even though he’s a bag of bones now, he still likes to travel. He made it all the way to Italy (with help, of course). He still manages to get up and around the world once a year. Because he’s a zombie. Zombie fucking Santa. How awesome would that movie be?! Next time you’re leaving out milk and cookies, think twice. If you were a zombie, wouldn’t you really want some brains and elf blood? Maybe if you do that, he’ll give you a little something extra under the tree next year!
Makes perfect sense.

So Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you have a great time with your friends and families! And remember, keep the fire lit, zombies hate fire.

-Ari Racz

Sunday, December 13, 2009

The higgs Boson Particle... Is a jerk.

So we all know what the Higgs Boson particle does, right? Really? You have no clue what any of that means? Where have you been, under a rock? Seriously, everyone knows about that! It is the particle that supposedly gives everything mass. And also, is a jerk. It can travel through time just to make you look like you have no idea what you’re doing, just to point and laugh at you.  Here’s a pie chart I stole from the Cornell physics department to prove to you how much of a jerk this thing is.

Clearly a jerk.

Mr. Boson (aka jerk) has been said to have traveled from the future to stop itself from being discovered. There is still no word if Sarah Connor is safe. It seems like the particle is a terminator designed to terminate itself before it exists. Self aware particles can’t be good for anything at all. Which begs the question, how the hell does a particle go back in time on it’s own accord, and stop itself from being found? No, I do not have an answer to that question, and neither does anyone else.

Cern’s newest LHC mechanic.

 So far the particle has traveled back in time over 80 times, then again that is a conservative estimate. Stopping experiments around the world just so that we won’t know it is there. Even though if it is in fact stopping attempts to find it, doesn’t that prove that it exists? Seems like the whole religion debate… No wonder why they call it the “God Particle”.

Higgs Boson at work.

So why on Earth would scientists want to find such a douche. Well, it would solve many of the issues that scientists have with holes in equations and whatnot. First of all it would allow us to figure out how things obtain the mass that they have, also how jerks react to anything ever. Solving the super symmetry theory would be a great step ahead in physics. The particle could answer many of the riddles that have plagued physicists since Newton got pissed at an apple.
“God I hate apples.”

The best tool for the search for the jerk, is the Large Hadron Collider. It is massive, 26,659 meters, that’s over 16 miles in circumference. The scientists have to cool the giant electromagnets by using over 60 tons of liquid helium, couldn’t they just freeze the Higgs Boson like T-1000? This thing is so powerful, it accelerates particles to 99.99% of light. The only problem is that the LHC will only last around 15 years. So the Higgs Boson wins once more! All it has to do is keep messing with shit from the future…

Yeah, something like that.

It would be greatly exciting to find the particle, and well, might help us understand how to do some things more efficiently. From pretty much anywhere you can look, cars use gas, understanding the mass of things could allow us to unleash a great deal of energy from what we already have. Space travel would most definitely advance a few leaps. Even shoes, Tvs, pretty much anything you could ever imagine would be better. Only if that particle wasn’t such a douche.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

My trip to the Bronx Zoo (Rejected by the New York Times)

It has been years since I've visited my friends at the Bronx Zoo. I decided to take a field trip there and give you the scoop on all the new stuff they have! Eco bathrooms, Astor court, the Congo Gorilla Forest, and of course, the Wild Asia monorail! So exciting!!! It took about two hours to get there, so I left a bit early. I took the 5 train all the way to Southern Blvd. and had to hoof the rest. I came in the south gate entrance, and had to plan my round in the zoo based on that.

The first place I decided to hit because I wanted to have an even flow around the place, was the pheasant aviary... It was horridly boring. I moved on to the Gorillas. They were awesome, hooting and hollering, and throwing stuff at the hopefully bulletproof glass.. Maybe that last one was because I kept acting like I was going to poach their pelts, or that's what I kept telling them. From there I went to the wild African dogs, and the giraffe building. Those dudes are tall, like, really really tall. Somehow I ended up in the middle of the African Plains part, and when I say in the middle, I mean right in the middle of the exhibit. I don't think I was supposed to be there, the zoo staff was positive I wasn't supposed to be in there. After a lengthy explanation, they played right into my plan to make them think I was just an idiot. Damn, I love being an investigative reporter.

As I left the administration building at the Asia gate, somehow I had managed to maintain my original path around the park! I went to jungle world, and saw the tigers, one of my favorite! I saw the monkeys (yes, flinging poo) and I saw some fishies, it seemed odd, to house all of the tigers favorite foods right next door, but it is not my place to say so. I did anyway. The staff didn't seem too happy about my suggestion to separate them for fear of the monkeys being tiger food. A six year old started to cry due to my observation, I decided it was time to go. I left the monkey death house in favor of the "Wild Asia Monorail", which begged the question... "How lazy are these animals?" I found no animals on the monorail, my guess was because they didn't have jobs. I left the monorail area and took a right, and followed the left fork in the road... I got to the lions, they seemed very unimpressed when I flashed my press pass, which I had made on the train out of a permanent marker and the back of my monorail ticket. Without having a single piece of usable interview from the lions, I kept moving. I saw the baboons, not too impressive though. I decided to go into the "World of Darkness" exhibit, where I promptly fell down three flights of stairs. When I awoke from my stupor, I found myself inside of one of the displays... Unfortunately for me it was the man-eating snake display. Luckily, I had my stun gun with me, because elephants never forget. After my brief (yet exhausting) battle with the giant behemoth of an animal, I stood victorious! They immediately threw me out of the "World of Darkness".

That's when I hit the highlight of my trip. I was heading in the direction of the Big Bears exhibit. I was pleased to see the grizzly, he was a big mofo! When I arrived at the polar bear exhibit, it was all roped off with coverings around it. I poked around and asked a worker bee what the hell was going on, because I wanted to see the fucking polar bear. He told e some fancy scientist from the arctic circle was conducting an experiment with robots interacting with them. So I punched him in the throat and flashed my press pass. I may have punched him much harder than intended, he hit the floor and waved his arm in one wild unconscious motion. I took this as a sign that my credentials were valid, and proceeded into the tent like structure blocking my inquisitive view. What I saw there, was just spectacular! I saw the experiment they were conducting, a polar bear knife fighting a robot. Fucking brilliant. I snapped a few shots before the security guard chased me two feet and slipped on a banana peel. Thanks monkeys!

I didn't think anything could top that, I mean, come on! So I decided to just breeze through the rest of the park, reminiscing about my extraordinary luck to be at the zoo the very same day that they were conducting such a bad-ass experiment. I went to the Himalayan highlands area, saw a snow leopard, and a bird... Once again these people are so comfortable putting predators right next to their natural prey. I continued on my way, taking a left along a very very long path. It had one squirrel on it, one. I didn't think the zoo would just forget about an entire nearly mile-long stretch of land, but they put a squirrel in it, so that works I suppose. This path lead me to the new Eco restroom. It was pretty impressive, I'd have to say. Not much more than a bathroom though. On my way back to where I originally came from I had a few nifty exhibits to look at, so I continued on my way happily. I passed up the world of birds, however. having striking visions of Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds". Moving instead to the bison area... Which made me crave for a bison burger. I went to the concession stand and asked if they had any. They said no, of course. I thought to myself, "How could a place that actually has bison, not have a bison burger?" Flabbergasted, I stomped towards the zoo center to complain about that. Once again, my credentials were not recognized for the hard-hitting journalistic appeal I usually muster. Being waved off, I decided to leave for the day. Having a satisfying trip (Just because of the polar bear robot knife fight) I may end up taking another trip sometime in the near future.

It was on the way home that the most intense thing of the day happened. I was waiting for the 5 train around 4:45 PM, and that's when it happened. I was simply sitting there, giggling like a pansie about the polar bear robot knife fight pictures I managed to obtain, when a group of ninjas popped out of nowhere. Everyone fled. Me, being the die-hard giver of facts that I am, decided to stay and cover the event for future pubication. I wasn't sure why they were there in full fighting attire, but I was sure as hell going to find out. After a few moments, a couple samurai tromped down the stairs in full battle armor. Now this was getting good. The ninjas spared no time in attacking, they launched a furry of suruiken and stars at the samurai, they seemed unphased, and charged with a full battle cry that nearly made me shit mysef. There was a battle that lasted a whole three minutes and 47 seconds. One samurai remained, and two ninjas. I was impressed with the samurai, the ninjas just flipped off, most likely because they had to get some shoes.

I was pleased with my day at the zoo. I saw a lot of cool animals, some not so cool animals. A polar bear knife fighting a robot, which I didn't think I will ever see again in my entire life. Unless that experiment pans out, I guess. I got thrown out of a few places, almost eaten by a snake, nearly pummeled by a gorilla. Pretty good story all around, I presented it to my editor. He sneezed and used it as a tissue, even though he was holding a tissue in his left hand. Asshole. So here it is, not in the news, but on my blog. And that was my trip to the zoo. Maybe next time you could come with, you know, just to watch my back!n The pics will come soon! Not having a card reader is a bitch... Damn monkeys.