Friday, November 27, 2009

Bottoms up! A few reasons to be a (moderate) booze hound!

Throughout the years there have been many reasons to drink. Beer Pong, Frat Parties, that one girl that didn't look so good ten minutes ago... Nowadays even doctors are telling people it might not be a bad idea to have a few drinks, hence the reason Bruce Campbell is the fine specimen of a man he is today. And also why so many people in AA are well, the way they are.
Your new personal trainer.

Here's a few doctors that go right ahead and tell you to finish your drink, you panzy.


So you don't want to be a drooling, mumbling, shell of a human at age 65, good for you. Here's a little something that might help you out, booze! That's right, in 2002 a study was conducted over a 6 year period, it included 5,000 people over the age of 55. In the beginning of the study none of the participants had any signs of Alzheimer's, when it ended 197 of them were forgetting to put on pants before leaving the house. You might think that's not so incredible, but look at the facts! 5.3 million people in America have Alzheimer's. Go ahead, look out the window. Do you see that guy to the left? Everyone but him has Alzheimer's. Don't worry though, in just over a minute he'll forget where he lives.
Are these my teeth?

So how does alcohol help?

Out of all 5,000 people that were fine, the ones that had 1 to 3 drinks a day, ended up being 42% more fine in the end. Even people that had 1 to 3 drinks a week ended up being 25% less likely to develop some kind of dementia. Bottoms up, before you forget to pour that next one!
He's totally going to remember that. Unfortunately, so will all of us.

A beer a day...

It's true, fuck apples, beer is where it's at!  Everyone knows the key to good health is to be happy (Just look at Bill Clinton). But when it comes to being happy, what is better than beer? Hypertension is a condition that effects most of the people in America, even hardened journalists, sometimes. Dr. Norman D. Kaplan stated "The benefits of drinking moderate amounts of alcohol is well beyond contention." We couldn't agree more, Doc!
"According to my machine, you died three months ago."

So how does beer do the trick?

In a study done by Dr. Kaplan, now known as "God Among Men", documents the plight of over 70,000 female nurses. That's right, women love beer too, suck on that fratty boy!  In the study he found that the nurses that indulged in a few beers here or there had far less stress levels than those who pounded some vodka after a shift of blood soaked sheets, proving without a doubt that beer is king!
Damn straight.


Yeah, one of the most costly ailments in America. Booze helps. Medical researchers looked into 15 studies and found that if you drink moderately, you have a significantly less risk to develop type 2 diabetes. So, make sure you have a glass of wine with that cake, fatty! People that drank up to four drinks a day were 30% less likely to get it.
Above: Heavy drinker

So how does it help? 

First of all, if you do have diabetes, you're not out of luck. Alcohol has shown to improve the effects of insulin in a "healthy" diabetic. Meaning, you too can drink your woes away, or just sit in that recliner with a sixer and a pack of cheese-puffs. It has also shown to improve fatty acid levels, which obviously are important, and stuff.  The sauce also improved HDL cholesterol. That's the stuff you want, not that damn bad cholesterol. (You know, Big Macs)
The helmet should help, right?

So there you have it. Drinking good. So, have another round on me! While you're chugging that last little bit, remember, you're doing yourself a favor!

-Ari Racz

Monday, November 23, 2009

Time for a history lesson!

Sure, We've all been there, get drunk at a party, wake up with a sharpe cock on your face. Not a new story, hell, it's all on video tape soon to debut on the front page of youtube. What about the movies you slept through in high school? Right, there was an army in Sparta, there was a Persian war machine, Hitler was a fucking robot.
Holy Fuhrer!

What about the true stories that were so amazingly engorged by hollywood, those who never knew it existed that believed it to be true?

Yes, Sparta was a great asset, to the Greeks. It was never an independent state. The movie makes it seem like they were all bred from a combination of Thor and Wonder-Woman. The reality is that there was never a second guess that they had to fight off the Persians. They had to allow Greece to be "free".  Sparta was basically a training camp for the best of the Greek soldiers, not a country that only bred soldiers. The fact that there were only 300 spartans, but as many as 7,000 other soldiers from neighboring states has nothing to do with it though, right?

They're back there, somewhere

The second reality is that the Persians didn't threaten Sparta at all, Sparta didn't really give a fuck, being the soldiers they were, they did what they were told. The majority of the battle may have been fought with sword and shield, but the real war was won on the sea. By blocking the Straight of Artemisium, led by no more than 200 Greek ships, against three times as many Persian ships. Without the help of the Greek fleet, the Persians would have surrounded the Spartan and Athenian soldiers, dooming them to be Persian belly dancers for all of eternity (or until they just gave up from pure exhaustion)

I will not "Get down tonight"!

The Excorcism of Emily Rose
We all know the story, girl goes nuts, her super religious parents think it's "Da Debil" and proceed to have a priest come and "cleanse her soul". How many times has that worked? Who the hell cares, but they gave us the impression that it should have. Emily Rose was diagnosed years after the court said she had a "problem", that problem? Schizophrenia. In 1968 when Emily was just 17 she began to suffer from convulsions, the courts findings had pinpointed her first epileptic attack at age 18 in 1968. She was diagnosed with having Grand Mal Epilepsy, so what caused people to believe the was possessed?
Oh Emily, you and your "episodes"!

Well, the "unofficial" diagnosis was made by an "older woman" while Emily was on a pilgrimage, while refusing to drink from a holy spring.
That is totally fucking holy, what do you know?!

Avoiding a certain posed statue of Jesus.
For Christ's sake!

The woman then claimed that Emily smelled "Hellishly Bad", because who hasn't blamed that one on someone else? A few people were convicted of murder due to negligence, because we all know giving a "demon" food or water makes them ten times stronger! All in all, the end is basically clear, the beginning, not so much.

10,000 B.C.
Sure, cavemen existed, and woolly mammoths, and saber-toothed tigers... We can still see the pyramids, but all at once? In the movie, they depicted cavemen as being sort of suave and clean cut, you try shaving with a rock, won't get you too far. The writers of the movie decided that using wooly mammoths to build giant pyramids in the desert would be the best way to go, considering wooly mammoths love blazing sun and no water to speak of.

Perfect, that's a wrap!

Intermingling a lot of different cool ass shit from way back when is pretty captivating and all, but it teaches you about as much as the Flintstones would. That mammoth should be vacuuming right about now, and where are all the rock based puns? Overall the Egyptians weren't building anything like a pyramid until about 2,500 B.C., yet they somehow enslaved countless cavemen and started building over 7 thousand years before they could write any of this down. Feels more like the Far Side than an actual movie, maybe they should script that? Who wouldn't like to watch a chicken and a cow talk about what's the best cut of a farmer?

Shown: A more accurate depiction of prehistoric families

I'll stick to the History channel for my factual information, thank you very much. No wonder why education in America is always questioned! 

-Ari Racz

Friday, November 20, 2009

It's about time to take a vacation!

Thinking that I could use a break from reality (mine, at least). I spoke to a travel agent, she seemed to be pretty knowledgeable and cheap, too. It's just that, the places she suggested weren't really that appealing to me after I thought about them for a while. She was sort of pushy, and sort of creepy at the same time. Here's a few of the places that were suggested, and the reasons why I didn't want to go.

Romania- Vlad Dracul's castle
In order to get to the actual castle, you have to drive for hours. Then you have to walk up 1,480 fucking steps.
This, times ten. Seriously?

You want me to walk that? I barely walk to the corner store, and you want me to walk half a mile uphill? That's all well and good, even if they had an escalator I wouldn't go. the spirits of the thousands of people that were put to death there are still said to roam the ruins. That's a big no. The fact is, the place is just plain creepy.


His bedroom was purposely built directly above the torture chamber. Why? So he could hear the screams of agony coming from the dungeon as he slept. Leaping down those steps ten at a time might be the only enjoyable thing about the whole experience. Also, fuck Romania.

African Safari -
Pretty animals and animals eating other animals. The downside is Hippos, Crocs, Cheetas, Lions, Elephants, Snakes, Spiders....
Instant death.

Just about anything with legs, and everything that doesn't have any. No one really counts on them being the most dangerous animal in Africa.  Pretty much anything with eyes, and hey, even some plants want to kill you. Yes, they want to kill you.
Plotting against mankind.

Over half a million people visit African countries every year on Safari. For every one person that goes on vacation there, three tourists die. That is a fact. Don't worry about the cannibals, oh wait, maybe you should!

Peru- Machu Picchu
7,710 ft above sea level, and you have to walk, with no guards in place. So when you tumble down the side of a mountain, you're not going to be thinking "Wow, this is a fucking awesome way to get down from that giant mountain!"
Peruvian elevator.

What's really going through your head  is more like the longest and most vile string of profanity that has ever occurred, anywhere. And you might get kidnapped, or shot by militants, or eaten by something, or robbed at a stoplight. There are border conflicts daily, cocaine and other drug runners. A third of the world's kidnappings actually happen in Columbia, sounds fun right? Until you have your life in the hands of Russel Crowe. That's never fun. Then there is the Peruvian Fat Cartel. That's right, they kill people for their fat!

Australia- The Great Barrier Reef
dangah dangah dangah! Great white sharks, blue ring squid are fucking seriously poisonous, then there is the box jellyfish, like the size of a grape, and will fucking kill you. Don't forget about the stingrays, the hitman of the wild. The most deadly animals in the world live there. And if they don't get you. kangaroos will.
"Just as soon as I'm done with this beer... You, me, outside."

- Ankor Wat
Pol Pot, landmines, mean rebels with rocket launchers, and monkies. That about sums it up.

I think I'll stay at home, thanks.
-Ari Racz

Thursday, November 19, 2009

America! Land of the Free... Permitted

I was pondering to myself the other day, "Now that there is a slight turn-around in the economy, I bet people are going to want to expand a bit." And that lead me to thinking about Nikolai Sutyagin.  In turn, that brought me to another thought, and how in America you would need so many permits to do anything to your own house that it would make your head spin. I mean, twelve stories of random wood and sheet metal? That's a friggin skyscraper made out of wood! It could never happen, here anyway. America, Land of the Free Permitted.

Totally worth 17 years of your life. 

Being the voice of the masses, well at least 7 people, I decided to find out exactly what you'd have to do to build an addition to your home. I didn't get very far, although, I did make headway in some aspects...

Here is a transcript of my recent conversation with the state department of zoning. I will refer to the department. as "ZD" (zoning department) and myself, as always will be "A.R."

ZD - "Thank you for contacting the State Department of Zoning, for English please press one. Spanish, numero dos.


ZD - Thank you, an operator will be with you shortly. Estimated wait time: sixty-four minutes.

A.R. - Shit.

(After a seventy-nine minute wait)

ZD -Thank you for calling the Department of Zoning. All of our operators are busy right now, please try again later.

A.R. - Shit.

After that failed attempt at getting any information, I decided to take a more direct approach. Once again armed with sandwiches and an unrelenting determination I went to the branch in New York City to get the scoop. This time, with honey roasted turkey, swiss, deli mustard, and a pickle. (I ate the cookie that came with it) I ended up with Larry, although he wouldn't give me his last name, because I ate the cookie. Here's what I found out.

A.R.- Hello Larry, thanks for interviewing with me today.

Larry- This is an interview? You told me you wanted to talk about birds.

A.R.- Yeah, I want build an aviary and a second story addition on my house.

Larry- Why do you want an aviary?

A.R.- I like birds.

Larry- That much?

A.R.- Hey, who's doing the interview here? You keep asking me questions and I'll eat the sandwich.

Larry- Where is that sandwich anyway?

A.R.- (Under my breath) What is the deal with these people and sandwiches?

Larry- What was that?

A.R.- That was another question!

Larry- Whoa, relax. What did you want to know again?

A.R.- Sorry, I get... Passionate during interviews. Again? No, I didn't know it in the first place.

Larry- I can't believe you ate my cookie.

A.R.- Technically, it was my cookie, since it was in my possession at the time. And you don't even know me Larry. Are you implying that I'm a bad person?

Larry- Well, I enjoy cookies, thank you very much.

A.R.- You're very welcome, Larry.

Larry- So you want to build an aviary and a second story on your house?

A.R.- No, I want to build an aviary as part of my second story expansion.

(I glare at him for a few seconds with a look of intensity encompassed only by that of an angry girlfriend, partially trying to instill the alpha male dominance I learned is a necessity during an interview, also due to the fact he has a distracting mole about his right eye.)

Larry- Oh, well you need to fill out some forms. And then have a building inspector come by, and show the plans.

A.R.- I refuse to fill out anymore forms.

(Uncomfortable silence ensues)

A.R.- I do have the have the plans right here!

(I pull out a crumpled napkin with a rough draft of the expansion plans)

A.R.- Here you go!

Larry- (Stares blankly at the scribbled sketch)

(This is a digital mock-up of my plans)

A.R.- Sorry about the coffee stain. I believe everything is in order.

Larry- Did you draw this at the deli?

A.R.- Again with the questions!

Larry- I'm a bit confused as to what I'm looking at here.

A.R.- Isn't it obvious? On the left is my house now, on the right is the house with the second story and the aviary. Notice the bird? I did point it out for you.

Larry- Yes, I noticed the bird.

A.R.- Good. Then can we start with the paperwork?

Larry- Here is a few brochures for you to look over about expanding.

A.R.- Are you saying that I'm getting fat?!

Larry- What?

A.R.- OH, expanding. Gotcha. (wink)

Larry- (stares blankly at me for several seconds) Is that my sandwich?

A.R.- Technically, it's my sandwich.

Larry- I believe this interview is over.

A.R.- Not until I finish the sandwich it isn't.
Larry- You're sort of rude, aren't you.

A.R.- I call it "Journalistic Integrity". It keeps me on my game.

Larry- It seems like rudeness to me.

A.R.- Alright, I'm done with the sandwich. Thanks for the soda, Larry!

Larry- I bought that from the vending machine. By the way, I will personally refuse any permits that you file. (Gets up and leaves the room, leaving my empty hand outstretched in an attempt to shake hands)

A.R.- Now that, Larry, is rude.

That's as far as I got. These guys are really, really demanding! So I decided to send an email to them and get some real answers. I also ate another turkey sandwich. It turns out, that all you need to build anything you want, is a set of brass balls, a contractor, and a few bucks. And I set out to do just that. I got a call from the director of code enforcement the day after I completed the structure.

My "structure" (fucking perfect.)

After I built it, and spoke with the director of code enforcement. They sent a few goons to tear it down. It took them all day long. (I used 3,856 nails, 209 screws, and 18 gallons of glue) here is what was left...
Not much of anything anymore.

Frankly, I was a bit upset, it took me three hours to build that. Three. All in all, I think I found out a lot about the whole building code thing. Most importantly, people fucking love sandwiches.

-Ari Racz

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Invasion!! Well, not entirely...

The need to control others be primal, part of our primate ancestry and hierarchy. Human domination over all life, is an extension of this behavior. And I am no exception. Besides the fact that I am slowly but surely overtaking the population.

Lets assume a nervous system is all about control. The human brain is the greatest and arguably the most advanced emergent component of all nervous systems. The most complex. Like parasites we become more mobile, and conversely more stationary. Here are a few that well, dont want to sit around and wait that long.

The Ant Parasite: Mind control at it's finest!

The Ant Parasite has a pretty interesting life. First, well there is no first it just goes around and around, I'll just start with the snail part of it. Yeah, snail, not ant. When a snail eats some cow poo (yes they do), it ingests little fluke eggs. When these eggs hatch, they burrow through the intestinal wall of the snail, lodging in a gland and producing a second generation of flukes. Then they piss off the snail by acting like chunks of slime balls. As if snails weren't slimy enough already.  Yadd yadda, it spits them out leaving them everywhere!

But guess what, the Mr. Ant loves snail slime balls. They're kinda like cheese puffs if you want to think of them that way, although you problably don't. This is when it gets interesting, the fluke burrows it's way around the ant. Assuming they are either really good with direction, or they have a map, they find the brain! Then the ant feels compelled to hang out on a blade of grass all night long, waiting for, that's right, a cow to eat it. See how that works? I knew that already, but did you? Yeah I didn't think so. If the ant does not get eaten by a cow, then it goes on about it's day. But during the night, like some kind of righteously backwards fucking super hero, it goes back to wanting to be eaten.

Then there is Toxoplasma gondii: The "Cool" parasite

Above: A total zombie.

Ok so it's pretty much harmless to humans. If you could consider skydiving, bungee jumping, or shooting yourself in the face completely harmless. It's from cats, and most of us  have it. So we're self destructive and arrogant, got a problem with that? Anyways, this thing comes from cats, effects around 3 billion people, and makes you more outgoing and prone to "reckless behavior" as those stuffy lab guys call it. They studied it in rats, and the rats wanted to hang out near cat piss. I'm sure that's a common trait with a lot of people in New York too, but they're not admitting to anything.

Who could forget about The Bodyguard Parasite!

These guys aren't really bodyguards, but they make their victim into one! The parasite in question here is a wasp, I know what you're thinking, "Why would a wasp want protection?" It's for the babies! The wasp lays eggs in a caterpillar (yeah, dick move) and then the eggs hatch and all that jazz. Then they crawl out of the caterpillar, going right next to it on a branch or leaf or whatever. The caterpillar just hangs around waiting for bad bugs to try and eat the cocoons. When a bad bug does come around, the caterpillar just swings its head wildly around trying to knock the bad bug off the leaf. Technically the wasp isn't an actual parasite, because it only spends part of its life cycle in the caterpillar, but it's still a pretty big dick. After the panzy wasps hatch, the caterpillar just dies. I'm assuming it's because he has no more purpose in life, and decides it isn't worth it anymore, and hangs himself or something like that.
Tough as nails.

Any way you cut it, parasites are just assholes, big ones. It's not a far stretch to think that humans one day could be deceived and "hijacked" by some crazy parasite. So a little bit of advice... Don't drink the water in Mexico, or have ice, or go to Mexico in general.

-Ari Racz

Friday, November 13, 2009

It's Friday the 13th! Holy Crap!

Crucifix, check. Four-leaf clover, check. Horse shoe, check. Garlic, check. It's Friday the 13th, and some shit's goin' down today! Well, not really, although everyone seems to think so. I'm not too worried about it, and neither should you be!
Just in case.

That new move 2012 is coming out today, on Friday the 13th. Wouldn't it have been better to release it on December 22nd? Anyway...

Oh, there's your problem!

The truth about Friday the 13th is that there is none! Some seem to think it all started way back when the Christians converted the Vikings to their religion. The tale goes something like this...

  "Friday is named for Frigga, the free spirited goddess of love and fertility. When they converted Frigga was Banished to some mountaintop and labeled as a witch. And that every Friday the witch communed with 11 other witches and the Devil. Another theory about it, is that in paganism the number 13 was considered lucky, and Christianity (yeah, those guys, again) in a twisting of religion, made it seem to be the opposite in attempts to convert people from being pagans."

That doesn't really explain where they got the 13th from, but hey, makes for a good story so that your kids don't go climbing mountains or anything. The 13th is said to have been invented in a way during the 19th century, when Gioachino Rossini had died on Friday the 13th in November in 1868. In numerology it's said that twelve is the number of "completeness" and thirteen transgresses this. Also having thirteen people sitting at a table for dinner will result in one of them dying (just like Jesus).
It all makes perfect sense.

There was also a battle on Friday the 13th in October of 1066 where King Harold the Second decided to march his troops right into battle without resting after a long march. What a dick move, he lost, and died.

The social impact of the superstition is insane. People actually avoid doing anything on Friday the 13th. Literally, they are afraid to get out of bed. Even though it seems like less shit goes down on a Friday the 13th than any other random day. Take that Friday the 13th! It's most likely because all the bad guys are afraid of the day (yeah right). There are fewer car accidents, fewer break-ins, fewer violent crimes, fewer pies thrown... So I made that last one up, when was the last time you actually saw a pie being thrown? About the only thing that causes more accidents on Friday the 13th, is drunk people, just like any other Friday.
That is pretty unlucky.

So that's where the whole Friday the 13th thing comes from, basically nowhere. It is pretty much one of those silly superstitions that people got into their heads from word of mouth, folklore, and religious condemnations. In some countries, Tuesday the 13th is considered unlucky! Why, you ask? Well, the fall of Constantinople occurred on Tuesday the 29th in May of 1453. Yeah, not even the 13th...

So hang in there, folks! It's not so bad, right?

-Ari Racz

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

We're Overdue for a Spacewar!

So I was watching Star Wars the other day, ok, it was Starship Troopers.... FINE, it was Jason X.

 That has to be the best plan, ever.

That isn't the point, it's not important, shut up. The point is that it got me thinking to myself, "Damn! We need to have a badass space war!". I know what you're thinking, "Shut the fuck up Ari, you're crazy, why would we want more war?". Am I right? I'll tell you why, think of the advancements we have had as a direct result of war? Necessity breeds invention! There are many things that have been created as a direct result of war, advancements in medical and science industries that revolutionized the world. That is why we need to take the fighting into outer space! Lasers! Air-injected gatling guns! Proton missiles! We NEED it all! (Maybe not "need", per se, but it would be sweet!)
Sweet. (kinda, well it's a start)

Weapons are not the only thing we could take away from this whole "Star Wars" type encounter. No, there would be medical advancements that could literally extend our lives indefinitely. The field of robotics would certainly make a jump. I could use an R2-D2 myself, fuck C3PO, he's a bitch. Who wouldn't want a moon base to launch fighter ships from? We could also use it to boost tourism, while not blasting each other into deep space, or whatever.

Take robotics, for example. Since they have been introduced, modern robotics have done nothing more than just push through boundaries and wow the entire world. Now we have the technology to replace limbs, create bridges between our brains and a computer, even go places no human would dare to go, vicariously through a machine that is. The drive to make more and more advanced robots has only been fueled by wartime strategic opportunity. In the last four years we've had advancements during wartime that would dumbfound the latter generations. There are robots that can identify a friend or foe, carry a fallen comrade to safety, and even fly deep into enemy territory without a conscious ability to feel the fear that is with any human to do the same. Look at the Predator drones the army uses, they fuck shit up on a daily basis, all from something that looks like a flight simulator in a trailer.

 What could possibly go wrong?!

Space travel would be especially revolutionized. Once again, the need overpowers the means. For decades culture has wanted nothing more than to be able to ask one another, "So, Bill, what are you going to do this weekend", "I dunno, Chuck, maybe go to the moon for some awesome moongolf?" They would surely make hotels and resorts on every planet and moon discovered. "Have a weekend on mars, on us!" Overpopulation and religious control would certainly have a large impact on galactic expansion. Imagine entire planets ruled by a singular religion, inevitably starting a holy crusade, thus perpetuating the spacewar further into oblivion. Imagine countries trying to take over entire planets before anyone else (I claim Io!), remember the space race? Yeah, that was pretty exciting!
He totally sliced that.

As for weapons, it wouldn't be that hard to get something working in space. Air-injection guns, compressed gas cannons firing chunks of whatever... You'd literally never run out of ammo! Without all that gravity and absolute zero temps up there, lasers would rock! There would be railguns, and whatever that big fucking gun from Doom was, wait, it was a Big Fucking Gun... I hope there would be like, pancake guns too, that would just be too tasty to pass up...
Take THAT!

Any way you slice it (with a a laser!)we'd have some pretty nifty crap come out of a spacewar... Think Star Wars, but not a long long time ago somewhere that no one really knows where it is. We would definitely have stories to tell our grandkids about how we actually had to walk to the fridge, and the only robot we had was in the movies. Oh, and that we actually had to change the channel on the tv instead of just thinking about it.... Then again, we would actually know how to read, instead of downloading everything into our brains, so that's a plus... Right?
Whoa. I know tai chi.

Monday, November 9, 2009

That Damned Dr. Klutschiev

Over the past weekend I was just meandering around Washington Square in Manhattan with my wife as we tend to some days. For those of you who aren't familiar with the Big Apple, Washington Sq. is basically an epicenter on the weekends for street vendors and people that sell stuff... And crap, they sell a lot of crap. You can certainly find a whole lot of great stuff out there if you look hard enough. Personally, I always happen to migrate towards the books and literature, just to see if there's anything that they are selling for practically nothing.

This day was nothing less than unexpected. I approached one street vendor with a big table full of books. Everything from "new" books, to worn-out paperbacks that had seen better days. After thumbing around for a bit through the stacks, my wife brought one to my attention. It was a leather-bound personal looking book. It had the words "Dr. Klutschiev - 1897" embroidered on the spine. Intrigued, I bought the book, for a whole $1.50. As i found my way to a nice chunk of concrete near the fountain at Washington Square, I flipped through the old journal and one entry really screamed out at me... It even had a newspaper clipping glued in it. The clipping read; "Giant Mechanical Bear attacks the Flatiron Building!". It was dated for August 30th, 1926...

Now, I'm no history major, but I sure as hell don't remember hearing about that, ever. The clipping was pretty official, seeing as it must have been almost 80 years old and very faded, but still legible. It detailed how no one was sure where this bear had come from, or what it wanted. There were accusations, sure, most of which were directed at Tesla, but we all know he was crazy, not mad. Then it hit me, I had stumbled upon the journal of a real life mad scientist... I said to myself "That damned Dr. Klutschiev!"
It looks like he even got a picture of the monster

That lead me to really get interested in this guy, turns out he used to run his operations out of a now abandoned warehouse in the hell's kitchen area, complete with a workshop and underground lab. So I read more and more, and I couldn't get enough. It seems he basically wrote a manual for his nephew (age 5 at that time). Maybe his nephew never got the journal, or just wrote it off as nonsense stories his crazy uncle Klutschiev wrote, he must have sold it. Whatever the case is, here I am, reading what I have come to call "The Chronicle of that Damned Dr. Klutschiev".

Language barriers

Sure we all know English, what are you reading right now? As Americans, we pride ourselves on being able to write, read, speak, and also describe boobs in the language. I decided to look around and expand my audience base. Sadly, I hit a few roadblocks. Chinese and German translators are easy to come by, the roadblocks were some of the other languages. How am I to reach out to over 6 billion people at once? (Nowadays everyone has a computer)

Warlpiri - What? First of all, only about 3,000 people in the world can actually understand it. To give you a little idea of what that's like, there are over 6,000,000,000 people on the planet, that's around one person for every two million on the planet. And 99% of those people live in Australia. No one is sure how long the language has been around, the Warlpiri people were only discovered during the late 19th century, so it's anyone's guess. The craziest part of it all, is the actual language, not the amount of people who speak it, but the amount of people who can.

So what makes it so difficult?

First of all, there are no separate words for "He", "She", "It", so basically everyone has to know what you are talking about all the fucking time. There are also only 15 letters in the alphabet. That's right, we couldn't even finish this sentence in the tongue. To give you an idea why, here is a list of extremely commonly used letters not in the Warlpiri alphabet;

B, C, E, F, H, O, Q, S, V, X, Z

That's right, Sesame Street cringes at the thought of this strange tongue.

Here's an example of a sentence that you would say on a daily basis, in Australia anyway;

Ngarrkangku ka wawirri pantirni - 'The/A man is spearing the/a kangaroo"

Ngurru karnangkurla ngarni - "My mouth is just watering over what you are eating." (That would get you smacked here in the states)

It may seem confusing to read, only because it is nearly impossible to say. Picture you as Charlie Brown sitting in class, and your teacher is talking, that's how it feels to listen to it by any regular person. They do have basic punctuation, although a hyphen joining two words can completely change the meaning. Simply put, half the time you are having a conversation with someone you have to guess what they are talking about is doing what, to what, with what. And all without any O's.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

They did what?! The Most misleading national campaigns

Swine-Flu Egypt pig slaughter

In 2009 the Swine flu panic gripped the world, nowhere was the anxiety greater than in Egypt. Egypt's President, Hosni Mubarak ordered the slaughter of every hog in the country, all 300,000 of them. You may be thinking that it isn't so bad, they're just pigs! After the initial slaughter more than 70,000 families found themselves with no way to provide for their families, as well as countless millions who relied on them. The mass slaughter caused the build-up of organic waste, once used to feed the thousands of hogs, collected by the swine caretakers. Before the swine holocaust, the caretakers would come everyday and pick up all the refuse left, now all that filth is piled so high in some places, you can't even move your car, and if the flies aren't enough, they have to deal with rats and snakes that are swarming all over it.

The biggest twist of the entire fiasco, was that not one Egyptian came down with the virus prior to the slaughter. Since the slaughter there have been 891 cases reported, including two deaths.

Welcome to the new and improved Cairo - Swine-Flu Free

PETA "Rocks"!

We all know pPETA does some awesome campaigning for animal rights, $32 million a year in fact! They garner so much attention that celebs even get in on the act. PETA is responsible for saving thousands of lab tested animals and mistreated creatures over many years. You may be asking yourself, "So, Ari, why are you writing about them being misleading?"

Here's the scoop...

Finding homes for 1 out of 300 animals they rescue. The good old people over at PETA feel it is more cost effective to make people aware of animals being killed than actually saving their lives! In the entire year of 2008, PETA found homes for a record breaking 7 animals. SEVEN. Have these people heard of the Internet?

As a comparison, the PETA headquarters has put down 95% of all animals under their watchful eye, the SPCA a few miles away has found homes for nearly 95% of all animals, all done with a fraction of the budget that PETA has.

Intelligent Design

For years the followers of "Intelligent Design" have been trying to get is accepted as a viable theory opposing evolution. We've all heard of it, some may even believe in it. While they have been hiding in the dark for many years, recently the following has been working it's way out of the woodwork with a few films made to "debunk" the theory of evolution... Using such gems as "Why do giraffe's brains not rupture when they bend down to drink water" their reasoning behind it is that when the specialized blood vessels trap blood to pressurize it in order not to flow all to its head, it should go there afterwards? It is really absurd stuff, like how only one bee in the world can pollinate the vanilla flower... Then again there is only one species of bee that drink human tears! 

Here is a little sample of what they're talkin' bout
Just because bees are small, doesn't mean that they didn't figure it out millions of years ago...

The Church's war on condoms!

We all remember that whole "Pope talk's smack about the condom" episode, hinting that it actually increases the transmission of STDs. His press guys explained that he meant that it encourages people to have sex. Because hormones have absolutely nothing at all to do with sex, or puberty, or well, awkwardness. There have been a few of these condophobes (I think I'll use that again somewhere) Bishop Joseph Shipandeni Shikongo recently said that "Condoms lead to promiscuity". This guy also said that the media is promoting condom use more and more heavily to cover up the fact that the prophylactics have failed miserably. Other than the statistics that condoms have reduced the rate of STDs and pregnancy drastically since the mass introduction of them in the 70's. Go ahead and look up some stats, I'll hang around waiting..... Ok, done? Great! Did I mention that the bishop that is against the things live in Africa? Yeah, the highest rate of AIDS anywhere shouldn't use condoms.

Yeah, i know this isn't as light-hearted as some of my other posts... But hey, just needed to be there, more munching for the masses brains.