Monday, October 20, 2008

So I got bored and decided to email L. Ron Hubbard. (Yeah, THAT L. Ron Hubbard...)

I know, he's not alive. I just wanted to poke fun at their institution, if that's what you want to call it. I never expected the outcome. You might want to sit down for this one.

Date: Oct 17, 2008 2:34 PM
Subject: Hello, May I ask a few questions, Mr. Hubbard?

Dear Mr. Hubbard,

I know you died in 1986, and there’s that whole "I’m alive and you aren’t" thing. I am deeply curious about this religion you call “Scientology”. It sounds great! I am partial to earth sciences myself, biology, astronomy, physics, chemistry, which of these does Scientology incorporate? Is Scientology based on the worship of science? Is there a defined Deity, like Einstein or Tesla, for example? I do not want to take up too much of your time, so I will leave you with one last question. What is the basis, the background, and the belief system of Scientology?


Ari Racz

And then He actually responded. (Warning, those of you prone to having a brain crippling aneurism due to confusion, turn your head now.)

Date: Oct 18, 2008 5:48 PM
Subject: RE: Hello, May I ask a few questions, Mr. Hubbard?

Dear Ari,

Thank you so much for writing me! I am actually extremely delighted that you wrote, Xenu just never shuts up about hydrogen bombs and volcanoes! Now, to answer your questions, yes, Scientology is great. It is the study and handling of the spirit in relationship to itself, others, and all of life. Pretty spiffy isn’t it? Scientology encompasses all aspects of life from the point of view of the spirit! I won’t get into too much detail, partly because I want you to understand the basics of it before I dive right in. Mostly, because Xenu charges for “Clicky time” as He calls it.

We base our religion on a few core beliefs, mainly “That which is true for you is what you have observed to be true”. Pretty deep, isn’t it? Also, we believe that people are an immortal spiritual being (the proper term is ‘Thetan’) who possesses a mind and a body. We teach that Psychiatry and Psychology are abusive and destructive practices. I know, some of our members might seem like they need it, but I assure you, that’s just the negative spirits.

We use a technique called “Dianetics”, I am particularly proud of this practice, as I am the one that created it. It works like this, you sit down with someone which we call an "auditor", they basically allow you to hypnotize yourself and direct your spirit on its journey. It’s just a look at your mind, and all the experiences you have ever had as a Thetan.

Our symbol is quite nice as well, it consists of an S, for Scientology, obviously. As well as two triangles, the ARC and the KRC (I’m not sure what those mean, but Xenu was pretty adamant about having them on there). Here’s a picture of it. Pretty, right?

The history and the belief system of our great religion, are really quite simple. Here’s the story, I mean, the true history of our perfect religion, and it makes perfect sense, trust me. 75 million years ago Xenu, the Alien Lord of the Galactic Confederacy, brought billions of people to earth in a spaceship that looks kinda like a Douglas DC-8 airplane, but it was millions of years ago, so that Douglas guy copied him… Anyways, he packed these billions of people around a giant volcano, and dropped a bunch of Hydrogen Bombs into it. I know what you’re thinking “Why would he do that, that’s kinda mean”, right? Well, he did this to free the spirits of those people, causing them to be attached to the people that still have their bodies intact, as they still do to this very day! See, makes perfect sense!

Some of our more advanced members focus primarily on isolating these alien souls and neutralizing their ill effects. Scientology truly is a great religion! We have over 3.1 million members on Earth alone! (So my contacts back on Earth tell me!). Well, I should be going now, Xenu has been wanting to download Season 1 of Hannah Montana. Whoever that is.

Thank you again for writing to me, I seem to have been forgotten after all this time. Oh, by the way, how did you get my email address?

Best regards,

L. Ron Hubbard
Sci-Fi author and founder of The Church Of Scientology

Ok, Wow, this guy is crazy even from beyond the grave. Damn.

-Ari Racz

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Narwhals: They totally need a good dentist

(Thanks for the Narwhal Liz! It's Perfect!!*)

And that isn't a horn. It's a Tooth.

In Inuit legends, the Narwhal was created when a woman holding onto a harpoon was pulled into the ocean. Then it gets odd... She was wrapped around the harpoon, then the submerged woman got wrapped around a beluga whale on the other end of the harpoon. Thus proving that anything is possible if you are drunk enough. Some medieval Europeans believed that the Narwhal tusks were the horns of unicorns.I can see the resemblance.

The tusks were said to have magical powers. My guess, is that they had the "magical ability" to make people believe complete B.S. That would explain why so many people would buy these things, shape them into cups and whatnot, thinking they'd be protected from poison, if someone should poison them, in that cup...

(Queen Elizabeth- She paid the equivalent of 2 million dollars for one!)

And I guess the poison added to the drinks, was the Narwhals trying to defend themselves...

I'll get back to those tusks in a bit, OK? Hold your horses!

The name "Narwhal" is based on the old Norse word, "Nar" meaning corpse. RUN!!! ZOMBIE NARWHAL! Oh, wait, it's because of their coloration, dur. Some people refer to them as "Moon Whales", and the Inuit, yeah those crazy guys! They call them " Qilalugaq", once again, with enough booze, you can make up anything. While the Inuit are allowed to hunt them, because they live in an ice house and all, and I guess they are still mad about that whole harpoon/ woman / beluga whale thing. Now, how the Inuit knew they were in the same family is a mystery, because they were always too drunk, I suppose. Don't tell Ahab, but they are both white whales!

You can spot them mostly in the north Atlantic, around the arctic. Sometimes you can get a glimpse of them alone in the North Hudson Bay area, the Hudson Straight, and the Baffin Bay area. I totally have no idea where any of those places are, but they sound cold. There are about 25,000 to 50,000, but what do I know, I left a giant margin for error. PETA isn't too happy about that, but c'mon, is there anything they're really happy about?

The truth of the tusks origin gradually came out of the dark during the age of exploration. i guess they got fed up drinking out of "unicorn cups" and wanted to see what all the fuss was about. So explorers and naturalists started to go check them out for themselves.

And in 1555 some guy named Olaus Mangus published a drawing of a fish-like creature with a horn on its head. I guess he couldn't tell the difference between a whale and a fish, maybe it was the giant horn that threw him off?

OK! Back to the horn! Or tusk, or tooth, whatever! The males usually have only one horn, about one in 500 could have two, they are the lucky guys! One female has been recorded with two tusks, ever. Anyways, it's a tooth that grows usually out of the left side of the upper jaw and forms a left handed helix. the tusks can get around 10ft. long, the whale itself is about 13-16 ft. They still haven't figured out why these guys have tusks, probably to stab stuff, but what do I know right? Research has shown it to be a sensory organ, but they aren't sure what it senses. I know, great research right? The males can weigh up to about 3,500 lbs. and the females around 2,200 lbs. The guys really let themselves go!

They are pale, with brown speckles, their heads, necks, and edges of the flippers can be nearly black. The older they get, the brighter they get. They can eat pretty much whatever they want, but they prefer Long John Silver's. They love the fish and shrimp platter. And they even have the occasional baby seal... Why does PETA like these guys again?

So In my style of writing about interesting and crazy stuff, I think these guys fit right in!

Thanks for the topic Lizzie and Vicky!

-Ari Racz

* That Belongs to Liz!
Image © Elizabeth Savenella.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

We Are Doomed. (It's robots, this time)

Honda has a robot called "ASIMO" I'm not sure what it stands for, but I'm sure it's something along the lines of "We're screwed". I'm sure you're most likely heard about it, it's been around for almost a decade now.
Above : The Evolution of Evil.

The current version, shown on the far right, stands an astonishing 4'-3" tall, and weighs 119 KG. I know what you're thinking, that's not that impressive. But c'mon, it's a friggin robot. So what's so special about it, then, you ask? That's what I'm about to tell you, keep your shirt on over there.

This thing is completely autonomous. You know, doesn't need you or any of your human friends to tell it what to do. They gave it prediction technology, to tell it either to step back and let you pass, or stick out its foot and laugh at you as you tumble down that giant flight of stairs in your office. They can carry around trays, I'm assuming full of vile upon vile of highly corrosive materials.

"Oh ASIMO, thanks for the AAAAARRRRGHHH"

They also know when they need to recharge. And here you thought you could hide until the battery wore out, thus avoiding being a human slave in the silicone mines.

Oh, shit. They networked them, can you say SkyNet? Basically, when one needs to charge, or has a craving for some delicious human blood to lubricate all those intricate parts, the others can still cull the heard when the needy one is charging up. Since 05' Honda has been trying to progress these guys and make them smarter. Really? Wow, Now it can count all the severed heads of our fallen brothers! And they are also trying to make them more agile and sturdy. Great, there goes out ability to outrun them, why don't they just give them jet packs or something?

Great, Now I'm just handing them ideas.

So, they can now fly, and run, and predict where you will be so they can "get out of your way" I guess that really means "Destroy you".

Honda isn't going to stop. The robots have continuously improved, Honda says "We will continue to our efforts to further advance intelligence technologies with the goal to develop a robot which can be truly useful in a real world environment where coexisting with people is required" (and I swear I heard someone say "find Sarah Connor" under their breath) And what about the robot apocalypse?! They brought one of these things to Moscow for a car show, and I guess the Russians thought it was a transformer or something, and promptly attacked Georgia, upon entering the country, Russia and "ASIMO Military Command Unit 1", as their leader has come to be known formed an alliance. Ok, so I made that last part up, but don't you see how easy it is to make one of these all evil?


So these guys have been around for a long while, no doubt sent from some evil robot planet to spy on us and learn what our weaknesses are. Guess what? We are pretty weak against Robots. So I'd say we're out of luck. Let's just hope that they don't force us to live underground in tunnels, and have oatmeal for every meal. That would get really old, really fast.
So next time you say "Man, that would be so awesome to have a robot!"
Think twice.

-Ari Racz