Saturday, December 26, 2009

The most useless USB devices created in the history of the universe, ever

If there is one thing I know, it is that there is no other reason to have a computer besides porn, and reading my blog. So it is no stretch of the imagination that people would inexplicably combine their "hardware" for a more interesting "software" experience. The age of computers has brought the likes of absurdity into the limelight. We've all seen strange computer attachments, like a coffee mug warmer, which actually comes in handy when you have coffee, but the "Humping Dog" usb drive that literally sold-out on is just mind boggling.
Here's a look at some other peripherals, that would completely blind-side the unseasoned “pornnet” (that’s the new name for the interwebs) user.

The "22-7"

It is a 22 inch monitor. No big deal, right? When you need a "little bit of extra" workspace, that's when you attach a 7" monitor to it. Some people think it's a great idea, exactly 2 people in fact. The rest of the world doesn’t really want to have to do office work on a gameboy screen. Sure the price tag is low compared to, well, anything you'd actually think is handy, yet those two people actually believe it is worth it!

Here is an excerpt from one of the reviews on the site I found it on.

"Actually it makes a lot of sense, if you use graphical tools or photo tools they have a lot of toolbars that get in the way of your work, having those toolbars on another screen helps a lot." - Broken Bird

Well, when you put it that way...

The USB powered Ass Cooler

Where would this article be without Japan? The world loves Japan, more so in the way that we just can't look away. 90% of the articles you will read on the entire internet are fueled by Japanese rage, and by rage, I mean horrid perversity. Those crazy Japanese have decided that the only thing better than sitting in your underwear at the computer for 64 hours straight(link to guy dying at computer in internet café), is to do the same with a nice chilled rump. So they have brought to you, the USB powered butt cooler. It is exactly what it sounds like. You plug it in, sit on it (Ayyyy) and let the cooling feeling creep up your cheeks. Perhaps it would be a bit better to just, you know, stand up every now and then.
"Ayyy, my ass is the coolest!"

The Rocket

I can picture it now. You sitting in your little cubicle, swearing to God and anyone else within earshot about that TPS report you have to finish. Why not blow off some steam? Here’s your ticket. The USB powered, computer aimed rocket launcher. No, it doesn’t explode. No, it isn’t impressive. But you can be damned sure to garnish absolutely  no respect from anyone that you shoot it at, if you still have a job after all the “assault” charges that will be filed against you. Just remember to aim for the eyes, it’s the only chance you’ll have at a clean getaway.
Careful there, Saddam!

The USB Necktie

Are you an on-the-go business man? A eccentric philanthropist? A complete loser? Then this is the tie for you! I don’t really have too much to say about it. Other than, why the hell would anyone wear this, I mean, who’s going to be so busy that they don’t have time to actually just pull a USB out of their pocket? Seriously, get a life whomever is wearing this. Yes, you, the one guy in the universe that actually bought this. Douche.
He owns 27 of them.
-Ari Racz

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Santa is really a zombie (Seriously)

Actually, Saint Nick isn’t a fat guy at all. Also, he never gave out presents, unless you count the massive dowry he put up so a few chicks didn’t have to be prostitutes. Wait, what? It’s true! He gave three impoverished daughters of a pious Christian enough cash so they wouldn’t have to whore it out all over the place. Now that's the spirit!
Santa at his best.

Santa doesn’t live in the North Pole, not year-round at least. Among his many homes, the zip codes include H0H0 H0, and 99705, from Canada and Alaska, respectively. He is also said to live in Finland, Denmark, Greenland, Norway, Sweden, and Jersey Gardens (The shopping mall). Basically, Santa is an international playboy. I would have to assume his wife isn’t old and ugly, but rather a former Bond girl that dresses up like an elf every now and then.

Because he lives in Canada, you’d probably not want to get your hopes up too high, just expect a sweater and some reindeer socks. The Canadian Minister of Immigration actually proclaimed Santa a full-fledged citizen of Canada, so that’s one thing they have on everyone else.
And whatever the hell this is all about.

Santa does have a magical workshop in the North Pole, it’s magic, and yes it’s there. He owns many sweatshops across the globe, where he “employs” magical elves…
"Magical" "Workshop"

After they have worked themselves into malnutrition and bloody fingers, he feeds them to his reindeer. How else do you think they fly? Duh. Oh, and those reindeer socks you’re getting, also dyed with elf blood. Just saying.

Kids have been writing letters to Santa for like, ever. They get answered by volunteers from the post office. More than 13,000 a year since 1982, actually. That just leaves one question in the minds of the youth of today. “Daddy, why does my letter from Santa smell like the study on poker night?”

The truth about Santa, is that his modern image was created by a few poets and story tellers over the past few centuries. It seems that companies can sell an image that looks like this:

Compared to this:
"I present you, children. Don't ask."

Yeah, that’s what he would have really looked like, not too interesting, right? Much better as a fat guy that breaks into your house and steals your milk and cookies every year. It’s only natural that a few people would want to make the whole story and enigma of Santa just that much less tangible to the imagination. Because in reality, he wasn’t that great, in fact, he was just really, really religious. “Saint Nicholas of Myra was just a Greek Christian Bishop, and he was typically portrayed wearing your basic monkish robe and gear". (Think the friar from Robin Hood)
Santa is actually very dead. Originally his remains were laid to rest in Turkey. Turkey also claims the title of “Final resting place of the Virgin Mary”, suck on that every other country, ever. Even though he’s a bag of bones now, he still likes to travel. He made it all the way to Italy (with help, of course). He still manages to get up and around the world once a year. Because he’s a zombie. Zombie fucking Santa. How awesome would that movie be?! Next time you’re leaving out milk and cookies, think twice. If you were a zombie, wouldn’t you really want some brains and elf blood? Maybe if you do that, he’ll give you a little something extra under the tree next year!
Makes perfect sense.

So Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you have a great time with your friends and families! And remember, keep the fire lit, zombies hate fire.

-Ari Racz

Sunday, December 13, 2009

The higgs Boson Particle... Is a jerk.

So we all know what the Higgs Boson particle does, right? Really? You have no clue what any of that means? Where have you been, under a rock? Seriously, everyone knows about that! It is the particle that supposedly gives everything mass. And also, is a jerk. It can travel through time just to make you look like you have no idea what you’re doing, just to point and laugh at you.  Here’s a pie chart I stole from the Cornell physics department to prove to you how much of a jerk this thing is.

Clearly a jerk.

Mr. Boson (aka jerk) has been said to have traveled from the future to stop itself from being discovered. There is still no word if Sarah Connor is safe. It seems like the particle is a terminator designed to terminate itself before it exists. Self aware particles can’t be good for anything at all. Which begs the question, how the hell does a particle go back in time on it’s own accord, and stop itself from being found? No, I do not have an answer to that question, and neither does anyone else.

Cern’s newest LHC mechanic.

 So far the particle has traveled back in time over 80 times, then again that is a conservative estimate. Stopping experiments around the world just so that we won’t know it is there. Even though if it is in fact stopping attempts to find it, doesn’t that prove that it exists? Seems like the whole religion debate… No wonder why they call it the “God Particle”.

Higgs Boson at work.

So why on Earth would scientists want to find such a douche. Well, it would solve many of the issues that scientists have with holes in equations and whatnot. First of all it would allow us to figure out how things obtain the mass that they have, also how jerks react to anything ever. Solving the super symmetry theory would be a great step ahead in physics. The particle could answer many of the riddles that have plagued physicists since Newton got pissed at an apple.
“God I hate apples.”

The best tool for the search for the jerk, is the Large Hadron Collider. It is massive, 26,659 meters, that’s over 16 miles in circumference. The scientists have to cool the giant electromagnets by using over 60 tons of liquid helium, couldn’t they just freeze the Higgs Boson like T-1000? This thing is so powerful, it accelerates particles to 99.99% of light. The only problem is that the LHC will only last around 15 years. So the Higgs Boson wins once more! All it has to do is keep messing with shit from the future…

Yeah, something like that.

It would be greatly exciting to find the particle, and well, might help us understand how to do some things more efficiently. From pretty much anywhere you can look, cars use gas, understanding the mass of things could allow us to unleash a great deal of energy from what we already have. Space travel would most definitely advance a few leaps. Even shoes, Tvs, pretty much anything you could ever imagine would be better. Only if that particle wasn’t such a douche.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

My trip to the Bronx Zoo (Rejected by the New York Times)

It has been years since I've visited my friends at the Bronx Zoo. I decided to take a field trip there and give you the scoop on all the new stuff they have! Eco bathrooms, Astor court, the Congo Gorilla Forest, and of course, the Wild Asia monorail! So exciting!!! It took about two hours to get there, so I left a bit early. I took the 5 train all the way to Southern Blvd. and had to hoof the rest. I came in the south gate entrance, and had to plan my round in the zoo based on that.

The first place I decided to hit because I wanted to have an even flow around the place, was the pheasant aviary... It was horridly boring. I moved on to the Gorillas. They were awesome, hooting and hollering, and throwing stuff at the hopefully bulletproof glass.. Maybe that last one was because I kept acting like I was going to poach their pelts, or that's what I kept telling them. From there I went to the wild African dogs, and the giraffe building. Those dudes are tall, like, really really tall. Somehow I ended up in the middle of the African Plains part, and when I say in the middle, I mean right in the middle of the exhibit. I don't think I was supposed to be there, the zoo staff was positive I wasn't supposed to be in there. After a lengthy explanation, they played right into my plan to make them think I was just an idiot. Damn, I love being an investigative reporter.

As I left the administration building at the Asia gate, somehow I had managed to maintain my original path around the park! I went to jungle world, and saw the tigers, one of my favorite! I saw the monkeys (yes, flinging poo) and I saw some fishies, it seemed odd, to house all of the tigers favorite foods right next door, but it is not my place to say so. I did anyway. The staff didn't seem too happy about my suggestion to separate them for fear of the monkeys being tiger food. A six year old started to cry due to my observation, I decided it was time to go. I left the monkey death house in favor of the "Wild Asia Monorail", which begged the question... "How lazy are these animals?" I found no animals on the monorail, my guess was because they didn't have jobs. I left the monorail area and took a right, and followed the left fork in the road... I got to the lions, they seemed very unimpressed when I flashed my press pass, which I had made on the train out of a permanent marker and the back of my monorail ticket. Without having a single piece of usable interview from the lions, I kept moving. I saw the baboons, not too impressive though. I decided to go into the "World of Darkness" exhibit, where I promptly fell down three flights of stairs. When I awoke from my stupor, I found myself inside of one of the displays... Unfortunately for me it was the man-eating snake display. Luckily, I had my stun gun with me, because elephants never forget. After my brief (yet exhausting) battle with the giant behemoth of an animal, I stood victorious! They immediately threw me out of the "World of Darkness".

That's when I hit the highlight of my trip. I was heading in the direction of the Big Bears exhibit. I was pleased to see the grizzly, he was a big mofo! When I arrived at the polar bear exhibit, it was all roped off with coverings around it. I poked around and asked a worker bee what the hell was going on, because I wanted to see the fucking polar bear. He told e some fancy scientist from the arctic circle was conducting an experiment with robots interacting with them. So I punched him in the throat and flashed my press pass. I may have punched him much harder than intended, he hit the floor and waved his arm in one wild unconscious motion. I took this as a sign that my credentials were valid, and proceeded into the tent like structure blocking my inquisitive view. What I saw there, was just spectacular! I saw the experiment they were conducting, a polar bear knife fighting a robot. Fucking brilliant. I snapped a few shots before the security guard chased me two feet and slipped on a banana peel. Thanks monkeys!

I didn't think anything could top that, I mean, come on! So I decided to just breeze through the rest of the park, reminiscing about my extraordinary luck to be at the zoo the very same day that they were conducting such a bad-ass experiment. I went to the Himalayan highlands area, saw a snow leopard, and a bird... Once again these people are so comfortable putting predators right next to their natural prey. I continued on my way, taking a left along a very very long path. It had one squirrel on it, one. I didn't think the zoo would just forget about an entire nearly mile-long stretch of land, but they put a squirrel in it, so that works I suppose. This path lead me to the new Eco restroom. It was pretty impressive, I'd have to say. Not much more than a bathroom though. On my way back to where I originally came from I had a few nifty exhibits to look at, so I continued on my way happily. I passed up the world of birds, however. having striking visions of Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds". Moving instead to the bison area... Which made me crave for a bison burger. I went to the concession stand and asked if they had any. They said no, of course. I thought to myself, "How could a place that actually has bison, not have a bison burger?" Flabbergasted, I stomped towards the zoo center to complain about that. Once again, my credentials were not recognized for the hard-hitting journalistic appeal I usually muster. Being waved off, I decided to leave for the day. Having a satisfying trip (Just because of the polar bear robot knife fight) I may end up taking another trip sometime in the near future.

It was on the way home that the most intense thing of the day happened. I was waiting for the 5 train around 4:45 PM, and that's when it happened. I was simply sitting there, giggling like a pansie about the polar bear robot knife fight pictures I managed to obtain, when a group of ninjas popped out of nowhere. Everyone fled. Me, being the die-hard giver of facts that I am, decided to stay and cover the event for future pubication. I wasn't sure why they were there in full fighting attire, but I was sure as hell going to find out. After a few moments, a couple samurai tromped down the stairs in full battle armor. Now this was getting good. The ninjas spared no time in attacking, they launched a furry of suruiken and stars at the samurai, they seemed unphased, and charged with a full battle cry that nearly made me shit mysef. There was a battle that lasted a whole three minutes and 47 seconds. One samurai remained, and two ninjas. I was impressed with the samurai, the ninjas just flipped off, most likely because they had to get some shoes.

I was pleased with my day at the zoo. I saw a lot of cool animals, some not so cool animals. A polar bear knife fighting a robot, which I didn't think I will ever see again in my entire life. Unless that experiment pans out, I guess. I got thrown out of a few places, almost eaten by a snake, nearly pummeled by a gorilla. Pretty good story all around, I presented it to my editor. He sneezed and used it as a tissue, even though he was holding a tissue in his left hand. Asshole. So here it is, not in the news, but on my blog. And that was my trip to the zoo. Maybe next time you could come with, you know, just to watch my back!n The pics will come soon! Not having a card reader is a bitch... Damn monkeys.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Bottoms up! A few reasons to be a (moderate) booze hound!

Throughout the years there have been many reasons to drink. Beer Pong, Frat Parties, that one girl that didn't look so good ten minutes ago... Nowadays even doctors are telling people it might not be a bad idea to have a few drinks, hence the reason Bruce Campbell is the fine specimen of a man he is today. And also why so many people in AA are well, the way they are.
Your new personal trainer.

Here's a few doctors that go right ahead and tell you to finish your drink, you panzy.


So you don't want to be a drooling, mumbling, shell of a human at age 65, good for you. Here's a little something that might help you out, booze! That's right, in 2002 a study was conducted over a 6 year period, it included 5,000 people over the age of 55. In the beginning of the study none of the participants had any signs of Alzheimer's, when it ended 197 of them were forgetting to put on pants before leaving the house. You might think that's not so incredible, but look at the facts! 5.3 million people in America have Alzheimer's. Go ahead, look out the window. Do you see that guy to the left? Everyone but him has Alzheimer's. Don't worry though, in just over a minute he'll forget where he lives.
Are these my teeth?

So how does alcohol help?

Out of all 5,000 people that were fine, the ones that had 1 to 3 drinks a day, ended up being 42% more fine in the end. Even people that had 1 to 3 drinks a week ended up being 25% less likely to develop some kind of dementia. Bottoms up, before you forget to pour that next one!
He's totally going to remember that. Unfortunately, so will all of us.

A beer a day...

It's true, fuck apples, beer is where it's at!  Everyone knows the key to good health is to be happy (Just look at Bill Clinton). But when it comes to being happy, what is better than beer? Hypertension is a condition that effects most of the people in America, even hardened journalists, sometimes. Dr. Norman D. Kaplan stated "The benefits of drinking moderate amounts of alcohol is well beyond contention." We couldn't agree more, Doc!
"According to my machine, you died three months ago."

So how does beer do the trick?

In a study done by Dr. Kaplan, now known as "God Among Men", documents the plight of over 70,000 female nurses. That's right, women love beer too, suck on that fratty boy!  In the study he found that the nurses that indulged in a few beers here or there had far less stress levels than those who pounded some vodka after a shift of blood soaked sheets, proving without a doubt that beer is king!
Damn straight.


Yeah, one of the most costly ailments in America. Booze helps. Medical researchers looked into 15 studies and found that if you drink moderately, you have a significantly less risk to develop type 2 diabetes. So, make sure you have a glass of wine with that cake, fatty! People that drank up to four drinks a day were 30% less likely to get it.
Above: Heavy drinker

So how does it help? 

First of all, if you do have diabetes, you're not out of luck. Alcohol has shown to improve the effects of insulin in a "healthy" diabetic. Meaning, you too can drink your woes away, or just sit in that recliner with a sixer and a pack of cheese-puffs. It has also shown to improve fatty acid levels, which obviously are important, and stuff.  The sauce also improved HDL cholesterol. That's the stuff you want, not that damn bad cholesterol. (You know, Big Macs)
The helmet should help, right?

So there you have it. Drinking good. So, have another round on me! While you're chugging that last little bit, remember, you're doing yourself a favor!

-Ari Racz

Monday, November 23, 2009

Time for a history lesson!

Sure, We've all been there, get drunk at a party, wake up with a sharpe cock on your face. Not a new story, hell, it's all on video tape soon to debut on the front page of youtube. What about the movies you slept through in high school? Right, there was an army in Sparta, there was a Persian war machine, Hitler was a fucking robot.
Holy Fuhrer!

What about the true stories that were so amazingly engorged by hollywood, those who never knew it existed that believed it to be true?

Yes, Sparta was a great asset, to the Greeks. It was never an independent state. The movie makes it seem like they were all bred from a combination of Thor and Wonder-Woman. The reality is that there was never a second guess that they had to fight off the Persians. They had to allow Greece to be "free".  Sparta was basically a training camp for the best of the Greek soldiers, not a country that only bred soldiers. The fact that there were only 300 spartans, but as many as 7,000 other soldiers from neighboring states has nothing to do with it though, right?

They're back there, somewhere

The second reality is that the Persians didn't threaten Sparta at all, Sparta didn't really give a fuck, being the soldiers they were, they did what they were told. The majority of the battle may have been fought with sword and shield, but the real war was won on the sea. By blocking the Straight of Artemisium, led by no more than 200 Greek ships, against three times as many Persian ships. Without the help of the Greek fleet, the Persians would have surrounded the Spartan and Athenian soldiers, dooming them to be Persian belly dancers for all of eternity (or until they just gave up from pure exhaustion)

I will not "Get down tonight"!

The Excorcism of Emily Rose
We all know the story, girl goes nuts, her super religious parents think it's "Da Debil" and proceed to have a priest come and "cleanse her soul". How many times has that worked? Who the hell cares, but they gave us the impression that it should have. Emily Rose was diagnosed years after the court said she had a "problem", that problem? Schizophrenia. In 1968 when Emily was just 17 she began to suffer from convulsions, the courts findings had pinpointed her first epileptic attack at age 18 in 1968. She was diagnosed with having Grand Mal Epilepsy, so what caused people to believe the was possessed?
Oh Emily, you and your "episodes"!

Well, the "unofficial" diagnosis was made by an "older woman" while Emily was on a pilgrimage, while refusing to drink from a holy spring.
That is totally fucking holy, what do you know?!

Avoiding a certain posed statue of Jesus.
For Christ's sake!

The woman then claimed that Emily smelled "Hellishly Bad", because who hasn't blamed that one on someone else? A few people were convicted of murder due to negligence, because we all know giving a "demon" food or water makes them ten times stronger! All in all, the end is basically clear, the beginning, not so much.

10,000 B.C.
Sure, cavemen existed, and woolly mammoths, and saber-toothed tigers... We can still see the pyramids, but all at once? In the movie, they depicted cavemen as being sort of suave and clean cut, you try shaving with a rock, won't get you too far. The writers of the movie decided that using wooly mammoths to build giant pyramids in the desert would be the best way to go, considering wooly mammoths love blazing sun and no water to speak of.

Perfect, that's a wrap!

Intermingling a lot of different cool ass shit from way back when is pretty captivating and all, but it teaches you about as much as the Flintstones would. That mammoth should be vacuuming right about now, and where are all the rock based puns? Overall the Egyptians weren't building anything like a pyramid until about 2,500 B.C., yet they somehow enslaved countless cavemen and started building over 7 thousand years before they could write any of this down. Feels more like the Far Side than an actual movie, maybe they should script that? Who wouldn't like to watch a chicken and a cow talk about what's the best cut of a farmer?

Shown: A more accurate depiction of prehistoric families

I'll stick to the History channel for my factual information, thank you very much. No wonder why education in America is always questioned! 

-Ari Racz

Friday, November 20, 2009

It's about time to take a vacation!

Thinking that I could use a break from reality (mine, at least). I spoke to a travel agent, she seemed to be pretty knowledgeable and cheap, too. It's just that, the places she suggested weren't really that appealing to me after I thought about them for a while. She was sort of pushy, and sort of creepy at the same time. Here's a few of the places that were suggested, and the reasons why I didn't want to go.

Romania- Vlad Dracul's castle
In order to get to the actual castle, you have to drive for hours. Then you have to walk up 1,480 fucking steps.
This, times ten. Seriously?

You want me to walk that? I barely walk to the corner store, and you want me to walk half a mile uphill? That's all well and good, even if they had an escalator I wouldn't go. the spirits of the thousands of people that were put to death there are still said to roam the ruins. That's a big no. The fact is, the place is just plain creepy.


His bedroom was purposely built directly above the torture chamber. Why? So he could hear the screams of agony coming from the dungeon as he slept. Leaping down those steps ten at a time might be the only enjoyable thing about the whole experience. Also, fuck Romania.

African Safari -
Pretty animals and animals eating other animals. The downside is Hippos, Crocs, Cheetas, Lions, Elephants, Snakes, Spiders....
Instant death.

Just about anything with legs, and everything that doesn't have any. No one really counts on them being the most dangerous animal in Africa.  Pretty much anything with eyes, and hey, even some plants want to kill you. Yes, they want to kill you.
Plotting against mankind.

Over half a million people visit African countries every year on Safari. For every one person that goes on vacation there, three tourists die. That is a fact. Don't worry about the cannibals, oh wait, maybe you should!

Peru- Machu Picchu
7,710 ft above sea level, and you have to walk, with no guards in place. So when you tumble down the side of a mountain, you're not going to be thinking "Wow, this is a fucking awesome way to get down from that giant mountain!"
Peruvian elevator.

What's really going through your head  is more like the longest and most vile string of profanity that has ever occurred, anywhere. And you might get kidnapped, or shot by militants, or eaten by something, or robbed at a stoplight. There are border conflicts daily, cocaine and other drug runners. A third of the world's kidnappings actually happen in Columbia, sounds fun right? Until you have your life in the hands of Russel Crowe. That's never fun. Then there is the Peruvian Fat Cartel. That's right, they kill people for their fat!

Australia- The Great Barrier Reef
dangah dangah dangah! Great white sharks, blue ring squid are fucking seriously poisonous, then there is the box jellyfish, like the size of a grape, and will fucking kill you. Don't forget about the stingrays, the hitman of the wild. The most deadly animals in the world live there. And if they don't get you. kangaroos will.
"Just as soon as I'm done with this beer... You, me, outside."

- Ankor Wat
Pol Pot, landmines, mean rebels with rocket launchers, and monkies. That about sums it up.

I think I'll stay at home, thanks.
-Ari Racz

Thursday, November 19, 2009

America! Land of the Free... Permitted

I was pondering to myself the other day, "Now that there is a slight turn-around in the economy, I bet people are going to want to expand a bit." And that lead me to thinking about Nikolai Sutyagin.  In turn, that brought me to another thought, and how in America you would need so many permits to do anything to your own house that it would make your head spin. I mean, twelve stories of random wood and sheet metal? That's a friggin skyscraper made out of wood! It could never happen, here anyway. America, Land of the Free Permitted.

Totally worth 17 years of your life. 

Being the voice of the masses, well at least 7 people, I decided to find out exactly what you'd have to do to build an addition to your home. I didn't get very far, although, I did make headway in some aspects...

Here is a transcript of my recent conversation with the state department of zoning. I will refer to the department. as "ZD" (zoning department) and myself, as always will be "A.R."

ZD - "Thank you for contacting the State Department of Zoning, for English please press one. Spanish, numero dos.


ZD - Thank you, an operator will be with you shortly. Estimated wait time: sixty-four minutes.

A.R. - Shit.

(After a seventy-nine minute wait)

ZD -Thank you for calling the Department of Zoning. All of our operators are busy right now, please try again later.

A.R. - Shit.

After that failed attempt at getting any information, I decided to take a more direct approach. Once again armed with sandwiches and an unrelenting determination I went to the branch in New York City to get the scoop. This time, with honey roasted turkey, swiss, deli mustard, and a pickle. (I ate the cookie that came with it) I ended up with Larry, although he wouldn't give me his last name, because I ate the cookie. Here's what I found out.

A.R.- Hello Larry, thanks for interviewing with me today.

Larry- This is an interview? You told me you wanted to talk about birds.

A.R.- Yeah, I want build an aviary and a second story addition on my house.

Larry- Why do you want an aviary?

A.R.- I like birds.

Larry- That much?

A.R.- Hey, who's doing the interview here? You keep asking me questions and I'll eat the sandwich.

Larry- Where is that sandwich anyway?

A.R.- (Under my breath) What is the deal with these people and sandwiches?

Larry- What was that?

A.R.- That was another question!

Larry- Whoa, relax. What did you want to know again?

A.R.- Sorry, I get... Passionate during interviews. Again? No, I didn't know it in the first place.

Larry- I can't believe you ate my cookie.

A.R.- Technically, it was my cookie, since it was in my possession at the time. And you don't even know me Larry. Are you implying that I'm a bad person?

Larry- Well, I enjoy cookies, thank you very much.

A.R.- You're very welcome, Larry.

Larry- So you want to build an aviary and a second story on your house?

A.R.- No, I want to build an aviary as part of my second story expansion.

(I glare at him for a few seconds with a look of intensity encompassed only by that of an angry girlfriend, partially trying to instill the alpha male dominance I learned is a necessity during an interview, also due to the fact he has a distracting mole about his right eye.)

Larry- Oh, well you need to fill out some forms. And then have a building inspector come by, and show the plans.

A.R.- I refuse to fill out anymore forms.

(Uncomfortable silence ensues)

A.R.- I do have the have the plans right here!

(I pull out a crumpled napkin with a rough draft of the expansion plans)

A.R.- Here you go!

Larry- (Stares blankly at the scribbled sketch)

(This is a digital mock-up of my plans)

A.R.- Sorry about the coffee stain. I believe everything is in order.

Larry- Did you draw this at the deli?

A.R.- Again with the questions!

Larry- I'm a bit confused as to what I'm looking at here.

A.R.- Isn't it obvious? On the left is my house now, on the right is the house with the second story and the aviary. Notice the bird? I did point it out for you.

Larry- Yes, I noticed the bird.

A.R.- Good. Then can we start with the paperwork?

Larry- Here is a few brochures for you to look over about expanding.

A.R.- Are you saying that I'm getting fat?!

Larry- What?

A.R.- OH, expanding. Gotcha. (wink)

Larry- (stares blankly at me for several seconds) Is that my sandwich?

A.R.- Technically, it's my sandwich.

Larry- I believe this interview is over.

A.R.- Not until I finish the sandwich it isn't.
Larry- You're sort of rude, aren't you.

A.R.- I call it "Journalistic Integrity". It keeps me on my game.

Larry- It seems like rudeness to me.

A.R.- Alright, I'm done with the sandwich. Thanks for the soda, Larry!

Larry- I bought that from the vending machine. By the way, I will personally refuse any permits that you file. (Gets up and leaves the room, leaving my empty hand outstretched in an attempt to shake hands)

A.R.- Now that, Larry, is rude.

That's as far as I got. These guys are really, really demanding! So I decided to send an email to them and get some real answers. I also ate another turkey sandwich. It turns out, that all you need to build anything you want, is a set of brass balls, a contractor, and a few bucks. And I set out to do just that. I got a call from the director of code enforcement the day after I completed the structure.

My "structure" (fucking perfect.)

After I built it, and spoke with the director of code enforcement. They sent a few goons to tear it down. It took them all day long. (I used 3,856 nails, 209 screws, and 18 gallons of glue) here is what was left...
Not much of anything anymore.

Frankly, I was a bit upset, it took me three hours to build that. Three. All in all, I think I found out a lot about the whole building code thing. Most importantly, people fucking love sandwiches.

-Ari Racz

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Invasion!! Well, not entirely...

The need to control others be primal, part of our primate ancestry and hierarchy. Human domination over all life, is an extension of this behavior. And I am no exception. Besides the fact that I am slowly but surely overtaking the population.

Lets assume a nervous system is all about control. The human brain is the greatest and arguably the most advanced emergent component of all nervous systems. The most complex. Like parasites we become more mobile, and conversely more stationary. Here are a few that well, dont want to sit around and wait that long.

The Ant Parasite: Mind control at it's finest!

The Ant Parasite has a pretty interesting life. First, well there is no first it just goes around and around, I'll just start with the snail part of it. Yeah, snail, not ant. When a snail eats some cow poo (yes they do), it ingests little fluke eggs. When these eggs hatch, they burrow through the intestinal wall of the snail, lodging in a gland and producing a second generation of flukes. Then they piss off the snail by acting like chunks of slime balls. As if snails weren't slimy enough already.  Yadd yadda, it spits them out leaving them everywhere!

But guess what, the Mr. Ant loves snail slime balls. They're kinda like cheese puffs if you want to think of them that way, although you problably don't. This is when it gets interesting, the fluke burrows it's way around the ant. Assuming they are either really good with direction, or they have a map, they find the brain! Then the ant feels compelled to hang out on a blade of grass all night long, waiting for, that's right, a cow to eat it. See how that works? I knew that already, but did you? Yeah I didn't think so. If the ant does not get eaten by a cow, then it goes on about it's day. But during the night, like some kind of righteously backwards fucking super hero, it goes back to wanting to be eaten.

Then there is Toxoplasma gondii: The "Cool" parasite

Above: A total zombie.

Ok so it's pretty much harmless to humans. If you could consider skydiving, bungee jumping, or shooting yourself in the face completely harmless. It's from cats, and most of us  have it. So we're self destructive and arrogant, got a problem with that? Anyways, this thing comes from cats, effects around 3 billion people, and makes you more outgoing and prone to "reckless behavior" as those stuffy lab guys call it. They studied it in rats, and the rats wanted to hang out near cat piss. I'm sure that's a common trait with a lot of people in New York too, but they're not admitting to anything.

Who could forget about The Bodyguard Parasite!

These guys aren't really bodyguards, but they make their victim into one! The parasite in question here is a wasp, I know what you're thinking, "Why would a wasp want protection?" It's for the babies! The wasp lays eggs in a caterpillar (yeah, dick move) and then the eggs hatch and all that jazz. Then they crawl out of the caterpillar, going right next to it on a branch or leaf or whatever. The caterpillar just hangs around waiting for bad bugs to try and eat the cocoons. When a bad bug does come around, the caterpillar just swings its head wildly around trying to knock the bad bug off the leaf. Technically the wasp isn't an actual parasite, because it only spends part of its life cycle in the caterpillar, but it's still a pretty big dick. After the panzy wasps hatch, the caterpillar just dies. I'm assuming it's because he has no more purpose in life, and decides it isn't worth it anymore, and hangs himself or something like that.
Tough as nails.

Any way you cut it, parasites are just assholes, big ones. It's not a far stretch to think that humans one day could be deceived and "hijacked" by some crazy parasite. So a little bit of advice... Don't drink the water in Mexico, or have ice, or go to Mexico in general.

-Ari Racz