Friday, December 19, 2008

Kill it with fire!: The Survival Guide to Alien Extermination

So you want to know how to eliminate a hostile alien life form from your planet, spaceship, car or foot. How do you go about it? There are many, many ways to deal with such pesky critters and beasties! Your first instinct is most likely to go and grab your double-barrel, good thinking. Although, that isn't always the best way to take care of such a situation. I have just completed my first installment of alternative alien extermination certification course, and I'm going to pass on what I have learned to you!

Remember to stay calm! You're going to want to explore "Alternative ammo". What does that mean? It means anything you can find! I'm going to throw out a few examples for you just to wrap your head around it, and help you think "outside" the box, cocoon, pod or giant gelatinous alien blob thing, whatever you have a run-in with.

The first thing you would probably want for your arsenal of random crap that shouldn't hurt anything at all, is a gun. (Note: it is well noted that this will kill a lot of things.) You want something with enough ammo and stopping power, with a higher rate of fire. If anything else, it would buy you some time. Attempt to secure an AK-47, or more preferably a grenade launcher, failing that, go for a tactical shotgun, failing that try for a .45 cal., failing that, a crowbar would be your next best bet. Now you're strapped, awesome! What to do now? Remember: the gun won't always kill what you shoot at. Most of the time it will kill what you shoot at, then you have some sort of toxic alien blood oozing everywhere, which can be just as bad as that beastie you just executed.

So instead of going right for the bullet to the head method, try going for something a little less obvious. What do you have laying around in your bathroom? A bunch of cleaning products. Perfect! Remember "The Faculty"? Same approach here. Just go ahead and mix up a whole crapload of them, go ahead, I'll wait. When you meet a new person that you suspect is actually an alien bent on dominating mankind (Note: They can be very friendly, keep your guard up.) ask them to try this new wonder drug of yours, if they turn into a screaming melting blob, you've got yourself an alien! Just make sure to pour some bleach on it or something, those can be hell to clean up. Although, it may be a sly alien indeed. Upon refusal to try your human detection drug, you may just shoot them.

Which may lead to: "Wow, that drug is awesome! Got anymore?". Now you're in for it, the alien is onto you, he knows what you're up to. Time to try a new approach. So you're still in your bathroom, just look around! Is there anything else you can use? There sure is. What's that in the shower? Shampoo! Remember "Evolution"? Yeah, supposedly there is a chemical in some shampoo that will leave an alien mutant monster thing writing in a puddle of it's own melted flesh! So what you're going to do instead of "Shoot it in the face!" is grab that bottle of shampoo, pop off the top, and fling as much as you can right into that mean old alien's eyes. Any result? If you're lucky he'll be letting off banshee-like ear shattering screams! If not, his eyes are kinda stingy at best. Well, move on. Or try the shoot it in the face method at this point, if that doesn't work, try this.

Now, beating an alien around with a crowbar or a bat would usually get the job done, not always. Remember "Signs"? He must have cracked every bone in that alien's skull. So you're still cowering in the bathroom crying like a baby, right? Perfect. Grab some sponges, or a washcloth or whatever you have that holds water. Fill it or soak it completely, and now toss your reverse Molotov cocktail at the mean old alien. If it did the trick you should see his flesh melting like a vampire soaked in holy water! The thing is, water isn't everywhere in the universe, sure there is water in most places, what about the guys that don't know it exists? So go ahead, see if the water will be the one thing that saves you! That could only beg the question: Why would aliens come to a planet which is made up of more than 75% of the one thing that could kill them? I'm looking at you, Shamalan. You know what, just shoot it in the face, it would leave a much clearer explanation.

Here's another scenario: Most likely in the event there is an alien invasion, the power would have gone out long before you had any idea. This will most likely happen at night time, as it does in almost every movie ever made involving aliens. Take "Pitch Black" for example. They get stranded on a planet that seems like it will never get dark, and when it does, there are some crazy looking monsters that can't see the light of day, unless they like being dead. So you may be asking yourself how to get some light. Grab a candle and some matches, a flashlight, just shed some light on the situation! If all goes well, then you've got a room full of crumbling critters, congrats! Or you could shoot it in the face. You only have so many bullets though, careful with that ammo Davey Crockett.

These are but a few of the many, many ways to eliminate a hostile alien species that are impervious to bullets. Your options are potentially limitless. Let's say you're on the beach, having a 50's style clam bake with a bunch of your friends. All of a sudden, an alien comes to massacre you and all of your pals. Oh no! Not so fast, there are things near the beach you can use too! Take "Alien Beach Party Massacre" for example, the aliens get bested by sunscreen! I'm assuming the higher the SPF, the deadlier it is to them. Maybe the monster aliens from "Pitch Black" could have used some of that? If that doesn't work, hit it with an oar, or just harpoon it in the face.

-Ari Racz

Monday, December 15, 2008

Crazy plants (That will scare you to death)

If there is one thing mankind is great at, its finding the plant that will fuck you up the most! Sure, you've heard of "peyote" and "marijuana", those are childsplay compared to a few of these. I have done extensive research on the matter (research in the same way your older brother got you to try a cigarette.) Only this time it was the witch doctor shoving them down helpless victim's throats while patiently waiting behind a glass barrier, just in case their intestines exploded. They did.

Virolas - This is one of the more recently discovered hallucinogenic plants. It's a short bush with green glossy leaves. Don't go running around looking for thick glossy leaves just yet (unless you live in a tropical climate, such as Venezuala, Columbia, or Chile', that is.) This plant has been used to coat arrow tips for hunting, assuming hallucinating anything like this would be frightening enough to make a deer, or a man, or an elephant commit suicide. The Yekwana Indians of Venezuela in their preparation and use of the snuff in 1909 commented: "The hakudufha obviously has a strong stimulating effect, for immediately the witch doctor begins to sing and yell wildly, all the while pitching the upper part of his body backwards and forwards."

How is it used? They take the bark from the tree, pounded up into a paste, boil it in a small pot until all that remains is a fine powder, then it is used as a snuff... Like cocaine, but more bashittier. Mostly used by a shaman, (that's the guy that said he could heal stuff if only he had something to show him how) he blows the fine powder into the air, sniffs, and then snuffs it, as if breathing it in wasn't powerful enough. He has wild visions and convulsions, during which time he is said to be healing.

What does it do you you? I'm glad you asked. It is mostly used during a yearly ceremony memorializing those who have died the year before. There must be A LOT considering what they do for fun. What makes this ritual so crazy? Well, they take the calcined bones of their dead, grind them up with this powder drug, and blow massive amounts of it into each other's nostrils. When I say massive, I mean Robert Downy Jr. on a three day binge huge. Then the boys and men start to run around all crazy-like, flailing their arms holding weapons. Then, in order to prove how batshit crazy they are, they thrust thier chests out at a friend, who then pounds on it with pretty much whatever he can come across, usually a rock. After they draw some blood, which they have no idea just fucking happened, they squat down and do a hug sort of deal, then start screaming as loud as they can in each other's ears. Then they pass out for a half an hour and dream of crazy shit. As a review, let's take a look at all the effects of Virolas Snuff. The effects are felt within minutes from the time of initial use. First there is a feeling of increasing excitability. This is followed by a numbness of the limbs, a twitching of the face, a lack of muscular coordination, nasal discharges, nausea, and, frequently, vomiting. Fun times!

Something like that, with more you.

Dhatura and Dutra - This is a particularly potent example. Dhatura has been around for ages, it is considered an old world hallucinogen, commonly used in India, China, and Africa. It's highly toxic, and many people do themselves in while trying to reinact the sacred rituals of... getting completely wasted. It is a part of the nightshade family, where do you think they got the Pokemon from?. It has ben said that the Oracle of Delphi used this plant to intoxicate people. The intoxication effects of the plant canb last for several days, garunteeing you a nice cozu spot in the padded room. Don't forget your straightjacket on your way!

This will fuck you up.

How is it used? It was commonly used as an aphrodisiacin prehistoric and the "Ole Times", even today the seeds are mixed with food or tobacco for illicit use. Theives and criminals use it to "spice up" a vitcim, leaving them a heaping pile of human idiot. You can make tea out of the leaves and seeds, or you can eat the shit right out of the plant. Note: eating it right out of the [lant is a sure fire bet that you'll have to sit ina tree for three days staight. There was a time when they extracted the main chemical responsible for all evil known to man, and roll it up in cigarettes. The concoction relived the muscles around the brachial cavity, thus providing a great method of asthma control, ta-da! Either that or you rip your eyes out and face them into the back of your skull hoping you can catch the demons sneaking up on you.

What does it do to you? You really want to know? Alright then. Regarding Datura, among the Navajo is the folk admonition, "Eat a little, and go to sleep. Eat some more, and have a dream. Eat some more, and don't wake up." That sounds great and all, but what happens in between that whole "Have a dream" part and "Don't wake up" parts? The actual effects are reported to be extreme dilation of the pupil, flushed, warm and dry skin, dry mouth, urinary retention and ileus (slowing or stopping of intestinal movement), rapid heart beat, hypertension or hypotension, and choreoathetosis/jerky movements. Wow, ouch, sounds horrible, right? In case of overdose the effects are hyperthermia, coma, respiratory arrest, and seizures. Wow, it gets worse? The vast majority of atropine-poisoning, is followed by delirium, along with visual and auditory hallucinations. Sounds like a party, if you're a complete raving lunatic. If you survive it, you'll have one hell of a time explaining what the fuck is wrong with you! If you can speak, that is.

Simulated Datura effects.

Ayahausca and Caapi - Just two of the many local named for a giant South American vine that only grows in the jungles of Brazil, Colombia, Peru, Equador and Boliva. Fuck. So watch out when you're taking a trip around those areas, a giant pink flowered plant might just grab you. Or if anyone offers you a strange liquid called "Dopa", "Natema", "Pinde" or "Yaje", then run like your sanity depends on it.

How is it used? It's made into a drink. A bitter, nauseating, horrible, randcid consensed form of insanity. Some tribes, being more than completely batshit insane on any scale, alter the mix by adding other plants to increase the potency. It makes you so batshit insane, in fact, you would honestly believe you have "telepatic abilities", although we all know, there is no scientific basis for that. Source- CIA. It's used during the Ayahausca ceremony, which entails dancing around, and acting like a raving madman for hours on end.

What does it do to you? Well, if "Nightmarish visions" isn't floating your boat, try "violent reactions with sickening after effects" (read: intense vomiting and violent evacuation of everything you have eaten, ever.) Usually you get some visual hallucinations, in vibrant color. The drug brings on a sense of reckless abandon, creating a monster on par with the hulk, except you wouldn't be hurting anyone but yourself. No one can truly describe the effects of it, it varies from person to person. Some tribes mix up such crazy combonations, it's hard to tell exactly what is effecting you. There's one thing for sure, you'd have to be completely batshit off the wall insane to even try it.

Phil? You look....Different.

ARBOL DE LOS BRUJOS (Sorcerer's Tree) - That sounds scary already! It's used by the Mapuche Indian medicine men of Valdivia (Note: avoid Valdivia.). It's know to cause delirium, hallucinations, as well as permanant batshit insanity. This is intense stuff, and only the medicine man has the complete control of it! It is a closely guarded secret how they measure the correct dosage, our best guess was after a night full of insanity and sex, he used what was left over to poison his victim. I can only assume...

-Ari Racz

Monday, November 24, 2008

The worst tv shows, that were once great movies

There have been many great movies that have become great t.v. series, and some that have crashed harder than the economy. These are the ones that didn't make it to a second season, or for that matter, some of them through the first. The shows that tried to squeeze every drop of money out of a movie (kinda like our Friday nights, but without the money part) These are the shows made from movies that time forgot, the ones that were either so crappy no one cared. The ones that had so much bullshit crammed into the script, the only resemblance of the actual movie, was the title itself.

Case number one - Logan's Run
Pretty awesome movie! The show was a pile of, you know.
It aired fourteen episodes, September 16, 1977 through February 6, 1978.

Is that a tattoo gun? Maybe Logan's Run was more hardcore than we thought.

In the movie, it was awesome. There was a big ass central computer buried under some mountain, and you couldn't live past the age of thirty. They had crystals embedded in their palms that changed color to tell how old you are. After it turns black, you have to go in for "willing termination", if not you're called "a runner". Pretty neat huh? They had awesome guns, it was set in 2274 (that's the future), and it had a bunch of techno-awesomeness you'd expect from 2274.

The show... Well, it took place in 2319, first of all. That is a crappy year for me, so I already hate it. In the show, no one has the crystals embedded in their palms, so they must have had a damn good census bureau or something. The guns didn't just "kill people", they had a "stun", "blast" and "kill" setting, we kind of figure "blasting" would pretty much kill things, but it's the future, so what the fuck do we know? Logan runs (haha get it, "Logan's Run") away from some city where they want to kill him, meets some android named Rem, hops in a hovercraft, and has all sorts of fun adventures with horny future chicks and robots.

Case number two - Ferris Bueller's Day Off
The movie made millions, the show made us cry.
It only aired 13 episodes. It aired for only 353 days, August 23, 1990 through August 11, 1991, that's not a good ratio, I think. I'm not a rocket scientists or anything.

Who the fuck is that guy?

Great movie! A whole lot of twists and turns, suprises and a happy ending (not for the principal, though). What made it a great movie? It was the fact that all those things that Ferris and his group of renegade teenagers did, were a one time deal. How many times can you skip school, steal a car (and then total it), sing in a parade on national t.v., steal a three hundred dollar meal and get away with it all? We're betting about once.

That is why the show failed, how many times could he have stolen a car and skipped school? He would have flunked out, fast. His depressed buddy would have hung himself under the bleachers in the auditorium after the fifth episode. Ferris' girlfriend would have left him for the proverbial jock character. All these events would lead to a strung-out Ferris Bueller sleeping in gutters and whoring himself out for a few quick bucks to get his fix.

The bottom line is, "Bueller.... Bueller.... Bueller..." We would have to hear that for 13 episodes? Seriously, that's too much, even for Ben Stein.

-Ari Racz

Enjoy! And COMMENT!!!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

That was a War?!

Throughout human history, we as a race have become skilled in many different abilities. Perhaps the one we excel the most, would have to be all out war. So after a spirited game of Risk in the Cracked staff room (all in all it lasted one hour and twenty eight minutes, a flipped board, and dozens of little plastic wartime heros strewn across the floor, and one really pissed off intern) We decided to research the most laughable excuses for war that have ever happened. So short, one sided, and flat out idiotic, they aren't even in any textbooks. Sure, you may have heard of The Bay Of Pigs, a little conflict we have come to know as "Vietnam", and then there's Operation Desert Storm, which was more like "Operation practice kicking ass for a few years in Iraq" (which isn't going as well as we planned).

So here they are, for you to ponder, laugh at, and just think long and hard about the question, "Why the fuck did they even bother?"

The Falklands War
How long did it last? 42 days.
Who was fighting? Argentina vs. The British Empire
Who won? The British Empire
So why were they fighting?

Argentina got tired of the British occupying their land, and invaded South Georgia on March 19th, 1982. The names and the ownership of the territories had been much disputed beforehand, we're going to go out on a limb and say that "The South Sandwich Islands" was the main on that ticked them off here.

So Argentina invaded and moved onto the Falkland islands, and then the British Royal Air Force stepped up, assuming Argentina had no clue what they were getting themselves into, there was a big fight. All in all, Argentina surrendered on July 14th. Of course, neither country claimed that it was an actual war, this was the point in time where the British Empire was very polite and dignified, and didn't want to rub it in any further, and Argentine was most likely too ashamed that they tried to pull a stunt like that.

Outcome? The British Empire took everything back, and kept all the stuff the Argentinians ran away from.

The Polish-Lithuanian War
How long did it last? A whole 37 days.
Who was fighting? Pretty obvious - Poland vs. Lithuania
Who won? Believe it or not, Poland
Why did they fight?

The war started not long after these two pseudo-superpowers gained their independence. It all began over the disputed cities of Vilhius, Suwalki, and Augustow. Poland claimed they had won, and with their fingers crossed, signed an agreement to stop hostilities. They promptly sent Lithuania a message along the lines of, "Hey, Lithuania, it's Poland... Fuck you." Poland then setup the puppet state of "The Republic of Central Lithuania", in a blatant attempt to confuse the Lithuanians. It was centered around the historic capitol of Lithuania, "Grand Duchy", we swear we didn't make that up. The muppet state was short lived, gained no international recognition, due to the fact that everyone isn't completely idiotic and all. Both Poland and Lithuania claimed the area to be their own, yet it was annexed to Poland after Poland's general elections. Lithuania was pissed, here at Cracked, we'd like to think the elections went something like this:

"Hey, Poland."
"Yeah, Poland?"
"What's up with that Second Republic of Lithuania?"
"Why don't we just call it Poland"
"Sweet, Poland. Sweet."
The elections were not officially recognized by Lithuania... No, shit?

The Second Balkan War
How long did it last? 32 days.
Who was fighting? Bulgaria vs. Greece, Serbia, Montenegro, Romania, and The entire fucking Ottoman Empire
Who won? Everyone, except Bulgaria
So why did they try in the first place?

It all started in 1913, Bulgaria in one corner, with most of the world in the other. When the bell rang Romania and the Ottoman Empire had stuffed a few anvils into the gloves that we have come to know as "Greece" and "Serbia". The whole conflict made Serbia a pretty badass fighter, like one of those UFC guys with no teeth, and scared the shit out of Austro-Hungary, which also helped kick off WWII. Way to go, Bulgaria. (WWII was much, much longer.) Romania invaded Bulgaria on June 27th, and again on July 10th. Romania took control over the undefended Southern Dobruja, and promptly hauled ass through to Northern Bulgaria, making a few stops on the way to Sofia. At this point, the Ottoman Empire snuck up and claimed some of Bulgaria's former possessions. Bulgaria pissed itself on July 23rd, and ran away from Andrianople, without firing a single damned shot. Much of the territory that wa won to Bulgarian in the first Balkan war, was lost again, and 10 months later, WWII started up. The Second Balkan War was just practice.?

The Greco-Turkish War
How long did it last? 30 days.
Who was fighting? Greece vs. The Ottoman Empire
Who won? The Ottoman Empire
Why were they fighting?

It was Greece, all the way. Greece was "concerned" about their citizens living in Crete, as they were still playing by the Ottoman's rules there. the War took place in 1897, on January 21st the Greeks, feeling all cocky, and we're assuming greasy and sexy, landed on Crete. It only took a few weeks for the Ottoman Empire to stomp the living hell out of the Greek invaders. Look at the size difference, that's like Hawaii rebelling in an attempt to secede from the rest of the U.S. The Greek action really pissed off most of Europe, who gave the Ottoman Empire the green light to dominate the Greeks. It was mostly the whole goat cheese thing, but partly because they invaded, or whatever. In the end of it all, Greece had lost every inch of land they gained, and had to pay a fuckload of fines to the Ottoman Empire. The moral? Do not fuck with the Ottoman Empire.

The Sino-Vietnamese War
How long did it last? 27 Days.
Who was fighting? China vs. Vietnam
Who won? They both said they won(Is it us, or is Vietnam a sore loser?)
Why were they fighting?

Vietnam had its eye on that sexy, sexy track of land called Cambodia, so they decided to take that junk. They invaded, occupied it, and promptly mooned China. This really, really pissed China off. On February 15, 1979 The People's Republic of China decided to throw on some gloves and go toe-to-toe with Vietnam. So what happened then, you ask? China marched right up in there, and marched right back out after marching all over Vietnamese soldiers. Then they enacted a scorched earth policy, and burned or bombed anything and everything that might have been of any kind of use to the Vietnamese. Oh, then they left Pol Pot in charge of Cambodia. Real fucking nice, Vietnam.

The Georgian-Armenian War
How long did it last? 24 days.
Who was fighting? Georgia vs. Armenia
Who won? Neither, they just had better shit to do.
So why were they fighting?

Both countries wanted the same territories. Seeing a pattern here? The areas they were fighting over had traditionally been bicultural, so they swing both ways, but don't like to share. It was mostly full of Armenians in the early 19th century, and Georgia wasn't havin' that. After WWI some of the territories were controlled by the Ottoman Empire, and when they got bored of them the real fighting started. On December 7th, 1918 Georgia and Armenia went from name calling and leaving bags of flaming poo on each other's front porch, to what we're assuming was the equivalent to a modern day slap fight. It went back and forth for a week or two at a time, then the British Empire (yeah, those guys again) being the nosey, er, "civil minded" nation that they were, stepped in. Then even the British Empire got bored, so they made both sides sign a cease-fire on December 31st. While Britian had a nice firm hold on their ears, they forced them to form the Georgian-Armenian Joint Administration. G.A.J.A. Really? Rolls right off the tongue, right? That administration lasted until 1920, when Russia bought a timeshare somewhere in Armenia, everyone else sort of backed away very slowly.

The Serbo-Bulgarian War
How long did it last? 14 Days.
Who was fighting? The Kingdom of Serbia vs. The Kingdom of Bulgaria
Who won? Bulgaria
So why were they fighting?

They just didn't like each other that much. On November 14th, 1885 Serbia and Bulgaria went at it like a pack of rabid wolves in heat. As a result of the war, the European powers that be recognized the Act of Unification of Bulgaria, which happened on September 6th, 1885. On November 28th, the Viennese ambassador in Belgrade, Count Kevenhueller-Metsch (yeah, we stopped trying to pronounce that a long time ago) visited the headquarters of the Bulgarian Army, and demanded the ceasing of all military action. How did he accomplish such a brass balls move? Easy, he had the entire Austro-Hungarian army standing behind him. The war however, did make everyone piss their pants if anyone mentioned fighting Bulgaria. So that's a good thing, We guess.

The Indo-Pakistani War
How long did it last? 13 Days.
Who was fighting? India vs. Pakistan
Who won? Uh, Bangladesh.... So, India?
Why were they fighting?

It all started out as a major dispute between the East Pakistanis and the West pakistanis. The Eastern Pakistani's had the majority of people, where as the Western Pakistani's must have had some wonder-twin rings, or some shit, so they were more powerful. The war started after the 1970 Pakistani election, it was because the voted to not have Bangladesh Liberated. For some reason, which our 21st century war-mongering selves cannot even fully comprehend, India got ticked off too, and aided in the fighting. The war started on December 16th, 1971, and raged until the 16th (we're assuming they played a hardcore game of monopoly or some shit during that time)

The 6 Day War
How long did it last? ... 6 fucking days, obviously.
Who was fighting? Israel vs. Egypt, Syria, Jordan, and Iraq
Who won? Israel... No shit? Really? Nice.
Why were they fighting?

It's Israel, they don't even need a fucking reason. It all started when Israel talked some shit to Syria, then Egypt got all pissy about it. So Egypt went ahead and amassed 1,000 tanks and 100,000 troops on the border of the Sinai Peninsula, not that we know where that is, or care to. Egypt went ahead and closed the waterways to anything that was flying the Israeli flag. Naturally this pissed off Israel, who concurrently place a jihad on anyone who got in their way. On June 5, 1967 Israel proceeded to deliver the largest bitch slap in the history of mankind. And in only 6 days they increased their total land by nearly three times, and gained more then a million citizens. Of course, these citizens were just pissed off arabs, but they still kinda count... They didn't even bother with "Negotiations" they just wanted to take that shit.

And that brings us to
The Anglo-Zanzibar War
Now, I bet you're thinking to yourself "How short does a war have to be to make it to number fucking one?"
less than 45 minutes, to be exact.
Who was fighting? Zanzibar vs. The British Empire
Who won? Not Zanzibar
Why were they fighting?

It wasn't so much a fight, as a complete destruction of morality, more like you beating a one eye llama in a game of pong. In 1896 the current sultan of Zanzibar, which whom the British were pleased to do business with, died. His successor? His nephew, Khalid Bin Bargash. The British Empire was not pleased. This new sultan loved slaves! Couldn't get enough of them! The British Empire was attempting to stop slave trade in the area. So what happened next? In the morning of August 27th, 1896, the British Empire issued an ultimatum to the sultan "Get the fuck out, or we will make you." The sultan wasn't having it, and replied with a highly formal "Suck my balls, Britain." And then fortified a palace. The British Empire shrugged, and set up shop in the bay right in front of the palace. Then the sultan backed off, but it was too late. And The British Empire started to shell the palace, for about 45 minutes. At this point, the sultan shat himself a few times, and ran away. Then in a balls out awesome move, the British Empire charged Zanzibar for every shot they fired. Oh, The British empire also landed some troops on the shore, just to play volleyball though.

-Ari Racz

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I was reading the other day about someone suing Oprah for extortion...

So I decided I'd go and look up a few "tricky" people and see what I can find!

In 1991, Richard Overton sued Anheuser-Busch for false and misleading advertising under Michigan State law. The complaint specifically referenced ads involving, among other things, fantasies of beautiful women in tropical settings that came to life for two men driving a Bud Light truck. He also included one claim that appears to allege that he personally suffered injuries as a result of the false advertisements. I think he just ran after the beer truck for a mile and scraped his knee or something. A number of publications and websites parodied this lawsuit by focusing only on the third claim for relief and ignoring Mr. Overton's civic minded efforts to prevent Bud Light from making false or misleading claims in its advertisements. That happens to me all the time, I just don't sue over it. I just thought it happened to everyone. While it does appear that the third claim for relief is based on alleged injuries (including "personal injury to his health both physical and mental, emotional distress, and financial loss in excess of $10,000") that guy can really drink a lot, suffered by Mr. Overton in as a result of Anheuser-Busch's alleged false advertising, that is only one of three claims made in the complaint. That's a bit over the top, even for a drunkard with a horrible idea.

We all know that when you open a beer, you do not attract supermodels. That happens when you open your bank account.

In 1995, Robert Lee Brock sued himself for $5 million. He claimed that he had violated his own civil rights and religious beliefs by allowing himself to get drunk and commit crimes which landed him in the Indian Creek Correctional Center in Virginia, serving a 23 year sentence for grand larceny and breaking and entering. What could he possibly have to gain by suing himself? Since being in prison prevented him from having an income, he expected the state to pay. This case was thrown out.

Well, now that plan is out the window, We should aim for this one...

On a $5 dare from friends, 13-year-old Justin Porter climbed 35 feet up an electric transmission tower. Who was to know such an adventure might prove dangerous? 19,700 volts later, his mother, Anna Thebeau, is suing the electric utility, Ameren, saying it should have fenced off the tower against trespassers, should have posted a big warning sign on it, should have designed it so that it could not be climbed up, and should have insulated the wires far overhead. Because it's unlikely that anyone, anyone, would be so stupid as to not see a "Danger High Voltage" sign no matter what the size...

At least he made $5 off the whole deal.

-Ari Racz

Saturday, November 1, 2008

The most disgusting jobs, ever

Sewer Diver

Swimming in sewers. Yeah, fucking swimming in a nasty sewer. But someone has to do it right? So you're bobbing around in a nice thick pool of everything that comes out of a human body, and sometimes, a human body itself. There's bacteria, poo, some dead things floating around, most likely some kind of toxic waste. Oh, did I mention it smells like a rotting corpse taking a dump in a toxic waste depository? Yeah, that's nasty, and those guys do that, every day.

Would you swim in that just to remove the neighbor's cat from the drainpipe? Yeah, doubtful.

Crime Scene Cleaner

Basically, these guys clean up after murders and suicides. Have you ever heard the expression "I would hate to be the guy that has to clean that up." These are the guys. And they are tough as nails, that clean stuff. I knew a guy that did this for a living once, he was crazy, and enjoyed it. Now I'm not saying he's a messed up guy, but that's pretty gross. In order for you to actually get it clean, you'd have to pick up pieces of bone, tissue, blood, whatever the guy left for you to "clean up". If you flinch at any of the horror movies involving blood, this is not for you, as a warning, I respectfully ask you, forget about being a crime scene cleaner. Post traumatic stress disorder, and many other mental impairments can arise from doing this kind of work. It's dangerous too, so they have to wear Hazmat suits and gear, you know, all the infectious diseases, meth, and what have you.

Depending on the crime, (or punishment) the cleanup can take an hour or two, to a few days. They charge by the hour though, so it's alright, and they easily scale the $75,000 mark. Point me to the room of gore, please.

Organic Coffee-Farmer 

Yeah I know "How the hell is farming coffee dirty, also, we fucking love coffee."

So these coffee-farmers, as we'll call them, use something along the lines of compost. It's kelp, donkey crap, and a bunch of other stuff you really don't want to touch. Sure they can use a shovel, but they like it dirty, and use their hands. Now, you see, this stuff smells so bad it literally has stink lines coming off it, literally.  So they just build sandcastles out of shit, then maybe have a poo ball fight, and grow some coffee, yes, Starbucks coffee is organic. So, how about that latte?

Hospital Cleanup Crew  

When you go to the E.R. it's all nice and clean, and nothing like that show about the E.R. (you know the one. Hospitals are supposed to be clean and sterile, so sterilized that you can practically eat off the floor. I really urge against eating off any floor, my lawyers told me I had to say that.)  Open up one of those garbage cans. Inside those bags are hypodermic needles, brain matter, blood, contaminated feces, pus-soaked cotton balls, amputated limbs (yes, they just throw those out) and a good deal of tissue and fat from the plastic surgery department. These guy's job is to clean all that up, and put it away where nobody can see them.

Aside from the fact it's fucking horridly disgusting, you're dealing with germs, not "the cold", I'm talking Ebola, AIDS, Herpes, and of course, the clap. The reason people went to the hospital in the first place is to not die from whatever they have. While most clean up crews can more or less assume that the yellow mush is left over mashed potatoes, what they're
actually looking at it s a blob of lipids from a liposuction.

Worm taster 

Yeah, "What the fuck?!" is right.

There are a number of Worm Breeders, they sell worms to the fishing tackle shops who then sell them to
people who go fishing. Worms come in a number of breeds, some are more attractive to fish than others – breeders
are always searching for the perfect worm, one that the fish can’t resist. Yet, that begs the question "Why can't we just give these fish a worm and see if they freak out over it?" That’s where these unlucky bastards come in, they spend each and every day sniffing, feeling and, of course, eating raw worms in an effort to find those new breeds that the fish will like.  Because there are people that know what fish like, assuming you're Aquaman, this is pretty much the only thing you could actually do as a living. On top of that the pay is minimum wages, and you're Aquaman.

"So, how was work today?"

"Pretty shitty."

"It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it."

-Ari Racz

Monday, October 20, 2008

So I got bored and decided to email L. Ron Hubbard. (Yeah, THAT L. Ron Hubbard...)

I know, he's not alive. I just wanted to poke fun at their institution, if that's what you want to call it. I never expected the outcome. You might want to sit down for this one.

Date: Oct 17, 2008 2:34 PM
Subject: Hello, May I ask a few questions, Mr. Hubbard?

Dear Mr. Hubbard,

I know you died in 1986, and there’s that whole "I’m alive and you aren’t" thing. I am deeply curious about this religion you call “Scientology”. It sounds great! I am partial to earth sciences myself, biology, astronomy, physics, chemistry, which of these does Scientology incorporate? Is Scientology based on the worship of science? Is there a defined Deity, like Einstein or Tesla, for example? I do not want to take up too much of your time, so I will leave you with one last question. What is the basis, the background, and the belief system of Scientology?


Ari Racz

And then He actually responded. (Warning, those of you prone to having a brain crippling aneurism due to confusion, turn your head now.)

Date: Oct 18, 2008 5:48 PM
Subject: RE: Hello, May I ask a few questions, Mr. Hubbard?

Dear Ari,

Thank you so much for writing me! I am actually extremely delighted that you wrote, Xenu just never shuts up about hydrogen bombs and volcanoes! Now, to answer your questions, yes, Scientology is great. It is the study and handling of the spirit in relationship to itself, others, and all of life. Pretty spiffy isn’t it? Scientology encompasses all aspects of life from the point of view of the spirit! I won’t get into too much detail, partly because I want you to understand the basics of it before I dive right in. Mostly, because Xenu charges for “Clicky time” as He calls it.

We base our religion on a few core beliefs, mainly “That which is true for you is what you have observed to be true”. Pretty deep, isn’t it? Also, we believe that people are an immortal spiritual being (the proper term is ‘Thetan’) who possesses a mind and a body. We teach that Psychiatry and Psychology are abusive and destructive practices. I know, some of our members might seem like they need it, but I assure you, that’s just the negative spirits.

We use a technique called “Dianetics”, I am particularly proud of this practice, as I am the one that created it. It works like this, you sit down with someone which we call an "auditor", they basically allow you to hypnotize yourself and direct your spirit on its journey. It’s just a look at your mind, and all the experiences you have ever had as a Thetan.

Our symbol is quite nice as well, it consists of an S, for Scientology, obviously. As well as two triangles, the ARC and the KRC (I’m not sure what those mean, but Xenu was pretty adamant about having them on there). Here’s a picture of it. Pretty, right?

The history and the belief system of our great religion, are really quite simple. Here’s the story, I mean, the true history of our perfect religion, and it makes perfect sense, trust me. 75 million years ago Xenu, the Alien Lord of the Galactic Confederacy, brought billions of people to earth in a spaceship that looks kinda like a Douglas DC-8 airplane, but it was millions of years ago, so that Douglas guy copied him… Anyways, he packed these billions of people around a giant volcano, and dropped a bunch of Hydrogen Bombs into it. I know what you’re thinking “Why would he do that, that’s kinda mean”, right? Well, he did this to free the spirits of those people, causing them to be attached to the people that still have their bodies intact, as they still do to this very day! See, makes perfect sense!

Some of our more advanced members focus primarily on isolating these alien souls and neutralizing their ill effects. Scientology truly is a great religion! We have over 3.1 million members on Earth alone! (So my contacts back on Earth tell me!). Well, I should be going now, Xenu has been wanting to download Season 1 of Hannah Montana. Whoever that is.

Thank you again for writing to me, I seem to have been forgotten after all this time. Oh, by the way, how did you get my email address?

Best regards,

L. Ron Hubbard
Sci-Fi author and founder of The Church Of Scientology

Ok, Wow, this guy is crazy even from beyond the grave. Damn.

-Ari Racz

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Narwhals: They totally need a good dentist

(Thanks for the Narwhal Liz! It's Perfect!!*)

And that isn't a horn. It's a Tooth.

In Inuit legends, the Narwhal was created when a woman holding onto a harpoon was pulled into the ocean. Then it gets odd... She was wrapped around the harpoon, then the submerged woman got wrapped around a beluga whale on the other end of the harpoon. Thus proving that anything is possible if you are drunk enough. Some medieval Europeans believed that the Narwhal tusks were the horns of unicorns.I can see the resemblance.

The tusks were said to have magical powers. My guess, is that they had the "magical ability" to make people believe complete B.S. That would explain why so many people would buy these things, shape them into cups and whatnot, thinking they'd be protected from poison, if someone should poison them, in that cup...

(Queen Elizabeth- She paid the equivalent of 2 million dollars for one!)

And I guess the poison added to the drinks, was the Narwhals trying to defend themselves...

I'll get back to those tusks in a bit, OK? Hold your horses!

The name "Narwhal" is based on the old Norse word, "Nar" meaning corpse. RUN!!! ZOMBIE NARWHAL! Oh, wait, it's because of their coloration, dur. Some people refer to them as "Moon Whales", and the Inuit, yeah those crazy guys! They call them " Qilalugaq", once again, with enough booze, you can make up anything. While the Inuit are allowed to hunt them, because they live in an ice house and all, and I guess they are still mad about that whole harpoon/ woman / beluga whale thing. Now, how the Inuit knew they were in the same family is a mystery, because they were always too drunk, I suppose. Don't tell Ahab, but they are both white whales!

You can spot them mostly in the north Atlantic, around the arctic. Sometimes you can get a glimpse of them alone in the North Hudson Bay area, the Hudson Straight, and the Baffin Bay area. I totally have no idea where any of those places are, but they sound cold. There are about 25,000 to 50,000, but what do I know, I left a giant margin for error. PETA isn't too happy about that, but c'mon, is there anything they're really happy about?

The truth of the tusks origin gradually came out of the dark during the age of exploration. i guess they got fed up drinking out of "unicorn cups" and wanted to see what all the fuss was about. So explorers and naturalists started to go check them out for themselves.

And in 1555 some guy named Olaus Mangus published a drawing of a fish-like creature with a horn on its head. I guess he couldn't tell the difference between a whale and a fish, maybe it was the giant horn that threw him off?

OK! Back to the horn! Or tusk, or tooth, whatever! The males usually have only one horn, about one in 500 could have two, they are the lucky guys! One female has been recorded with two tusks, ever. Anyways, it's a tooth that grows usually out of the left side of the upper jaw and forms a left handed helix. the tusks can get around 10ft. long, the whale itself is about 13-16 ft. They still haven't figured out why these guys have tusks, probably to stab stuff, but what do I know right? Research has shown it to be a sensory organ, but they aren't sure what it senses. I know, great research right? The males can weigh up to about 3,500 lbs. and the females around 2,200 lbs. The guys really let themselves go!

They are pale, with brown speckles, their heads, necks, and edges of the flippers can be nearly black. The older they get, the brighter they get. They can eat pretty much whatever they want, but they prefer Long John Silver's. They love the fish and shrimp platter. And they even have the occasional baby seal... Why does PETA like these guys again?

So In my style of writing about interesting and crazy stuff, I think these guys fit right in!

Thanks for the topic Lizzie and Vicky!

-Ari Racz

* That Belongs to Liz!
Image © Elizabeth Savenella.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

We Are Doomed. (It's robots, this time)

Honda has a robot called "ASIMO" I'm not sure what it stands for, but I'm sure it's something along the lines of "We're screwed". I'm sure you're most likely heard about it, it's been around for almost a decade now.
Above : The Evolution of Evil.

The current version, shown on the far right, stands an astonishing 4'-3" tall, and weighs 119 KG. I know what you're thinking, that's not that impressive. But c'mon, it's a friggin robot. So what's so special about it, then, you ask? That's what I'm about to tell you, keep your shirt on over there.

This thing is completely autonomous. You know, doesn't need you or any of your human friends to tell it what to do. They gave it prediction technology, to tell it either to step back and let you pass, or stick out its foot and laugh at you as you tumble down that giant flight of stairs in your office. They can carry around trays, I'm assuming full of vile upon vile of highly corrosive materials.

"Oh ASIMO, thanks for the AAAAARRRRGHHH"

They also know when they need to recharge. And here you thought you could hide until the battery wore out, thus avoiding being a human slave in the silicone mines.

Oh, shit. They networked them, can you say SkyNet? Basically, when one needs to charge, or has a craving for some delicious human blood to lubricate all those intricate parts, the others can still cull the heard when the needy one is charging up. Since 05' Honda has been trying to progress these guys and make them smarter. Really? Wow, Now it can count all the severed heads of our fallen brothers! And they are also trying to make them more agile and sturdy. Great, there goes out ability to outrun them, why don't they just give them jet packs or something?

Great, Now I'm just handing them ideas.

So, they can now fly, and run, and predict where you will be so they can "get out of your way" I guess that really means "Destroy you".

Honda isn't going to stop. The robots have continuously improved, Honda says "We will continue to our efforts to further advance intelligence technologies with the goal to develop a robot which can be truly useful in a real world environment where coexisting with people is required" (and I swear I heard someone say "find Sarah Connor" under their breath) And what about the robot apocalypse?! They brought one of these things to Moscow for a car show, and I guess the Russians thought it was a transformer or something, and promptly attacked Georgia, upon entering the country, Russia and "ASIMO Military Command Unit 1", as their leader has come to be known formed an alliance. Ok, so I made that last part up, but don't you see how easy it is to make one of these all evil?


So these guys have been around for a long while, no doubt sent from some evil robot planet to spy on us and learn what our weaknesses are. Guess what? We are pretty weak against Robots. So I'd say we're out of luck. Let's just hope that they don't force us to live underground in tunnels, and have oatmeal for every meal. That would get really old, really fast.
So next time you say "Man, that would be so awesome to have a robot!"
Think twice.

-Ari Racz

Friday, September 26, 2008

Platypus: Nature's "WTF did I do last night?!"

Now, I know what you're problably thinking. "The Platypus? We already know about the platypus!" Do you? Do you really? Have you taken time to research it? Yeah, didn't think so! Well, I have, and here's the scoop, being kinda a cool guy, I dug up a fuckload of information, just for you!

That's a Platypus!

To start with, when those European adventurers, yeah, the same ones with the whole "Route to China" deal. When they found out about this egg-laying, duck-billed, beaver-tailed, otter-footed, and did I mention they are friggin venomous? I'll get back to that one. These Euro-plorers thought the platypus was a fraud, a hoax, a big duck-billed joke. They thought pelts and specimines were actually taxedermy by asian dudes, wow, it's an old stereotype that they are weirdos! Yet, today, the platypus is an icon in Australia, a mascot at many national events, hell! it's even on the back of thier 20 cent coin! Wait, they do use cents right? I mean, I researched an animal, not Australia.

Moving on! At this point, you may be thinking "Hey, cool! I didn't know that! Now, what did you say earlier about the things being venomous?" The platypus has a poisonous spur on its hind legs, well, only the males, but that still counts! My best guess is that they got made fun of so much, they sent out one of those ads in the back of a comic for some poison spurs...

"Now you can be like a venomous cowboy too!!"

What it is, is that the platypus is a badass. Hardcore to the max. They don't want to kill you, that's no fun, they just want you to wish you were dead. The platypus venom can cause such severe pain, that you would actually consider sawing off your own hand to make it stop.

That is the timeline of events.

Did I mention, the pain can last for months? The real reason they have a spike of enormous pain is to beat the living crap out of other platypus for a mate. Sounds a lot like your jock buddy at a frat party, huh?

On to the freakishness that is the reason the platypus is well, so freaky! First of all, there's that tail. Yeah, I'm working my way up to the best part. That beavery tail is used to store fat, I'm not sure if that's what the beavers use it for, but I'm assuming they also use it for ping pong. Oh, and there's an agreed upon plural for beavers, it's beavers, duh. Platapus on the other hand, not so much. So go ahead and use Platypus, Platypi, Platypuses, the Greek plural is Platypodes, and that sounds fun! Anywho, I'm sure you won't see a platypus pounding mud into a crack in a dam with that flat fat sack... Oh, yeah, the tail and the body are covered in really, really thick fur. that's for insulation, you know, simming around in 40degree water and all. Next up! those crazy feet! Obviously for swimming, well, the front more so. They are really, really, really good swimmers, and the back feet steer... That's about it for the feet... On to, yes, that duck-bill! It's not like a duck's bill or anything, it doesn't split in half to open the mouth, the platypi mouth is underneath it. The top is a sensory organ, and not just a nose, guys! That bill is actually for electrolocation. Yes, I said it, this thing is like a shark too.

Yeah, you know how sharks find food? Same thing here guys. Ok, so let's review real fast. The platypus is more like a Duck-beaver-snake-shark-mammal-thing. I won't get into the technical details of how it works, although I might write about it some other time, like when I run out of crazy stuff to write about.

Not Likely.
(I should totally try to interview this guy)

Back to the bill... Not only does the Platypus have electroreceptors, but they can also sense movement. Not like you, laying in bed, and your cat lunges at your toes in the dark. They sense the pressure that movement causes in the air and water. Told you, Badass.
That's totally not his gun.

You would be pretty neat if you could actually spot one. they are brown, river water is brown, they eat stuff on the bottom, you are at the top. They problably do not want to get caught by something bigger either. Oh, don't get me wrong, they wouldn't think twice about shanking you with those glorious spikes of infinite pain, by the way. They are damn fine swimmers, they aren't any Phelps or anything, but he's actually Aquaman, and no one likes that guy. They can only hold thier breath for about 30 seconds. Don't laugh, they know where you live, and have big spikes of doom. Oh yeah, they are carnivores, by the way. Bet you didn't know that little fact, huh? They eat worms, larvae, freshwater shrimp, and crayfish, you know those little lobsters. It stores its food in its cheeks so that it can eat it later. They need about 20% of thier body weight a day... That's like a pound of food man. A pound.
So I leave you with the fact that the platypus, is actually a duck-billed, beaver-tailed, web-footed, furry fuzzy, mamalian, venomous, shark like, squirrelly creature.

-Ari Racz

"Alien Hand Syndrome"

It's otherwise known as "Dr. Strangelove Syndrome". My guess, is because it would be really strange, well, you know. It's a type of neurological disorder, one of the hands of the sufferer "has a mind of its own". Sometimes the sufferer will have no clue what the hell that pesky self aware hand is up to, until someone says "Excuse me sir, could you kindly remove your hand from my wife's purse?" The hand can also do some pretty complex stuff, like unbutton clothing, remove clothing, use tools, pick someone else's nose, etc... What the hell is that all about?

"Sorry I tore off your shirt, I have alien hand syndrome"

"It wasn't me, it was my hand!"

(I smell a career in soap opera writing ahead for me!!!)
Sometimes people believe it is possessed by some intelligent or alien force. Sometimes they seem to think the hand is simply "misbehaving". Really? Do you think so? I mean, what was your first clue? That handgun? I'm sure you'd have to be crazy in the first place to think it was actually possessed, or Catholic.

One of the reasons it happens at all, is that you have some crazy epilepsy, and can't stop having seizures. So your brilliant fucking doctor says to you one day "Hey, I know, let's slice your brain in half right down the middle and see if that does the trick"
GREAT! Thanks Doc! Now I'm lighting fires all over my apartment without knowing it until my neighbor starts screaming about her cats! There are many ways to get it, all of which involve brain injury. Let me go through a few for you quickly. There's damage to the "Corpus Callosum", the part of the brain that connects both halves. That kind of injury can give you "purposeful" Alien hand Syndrome. That's when your hands are like you and your bitchy little sister trying everything you can to spite the other. So it basically boils down to this- Our brain doesn't know what the hell it's doing, and neither do we.

When you have "Alien Hand Syndrome", for fucks sake, I'm going to start calling.... "Retarded Limb Disease". You could literally put a cigarette in your mouth with your right hand (yes I know, talent!) and as soon as you are going to grab your lighter, your douche of a left hand snatches it right out of your mouth, and throws it into a garbage disposal. I think that's a very rude misbehaving hand!

Think about having a doctor's note for that. I mean seriously, the possibilities! You could smack a random person on the subway, flash a note, and say "Sorry, dude, I have Alien hand syndrome", so which they would reply "Oh, hey, that's Retarded Limb Disease, right?". That's right, now you too can have your very own personal, portable, always ready to take the fall, scapegoat!

Let me talk a bit about the humor of this disease, which mind you, I'll shorten up already. "RLD". That'll do, that'll do fine. So, let's say that you're on your couch, watching TV. You are thinking about watching MacGuyver

He built that out of a popsicle stick, some pepper and a chipmunk.

and your left hand is thinking about watching Love Boat.


Boy, your left hand is a real jerk! It's going to watch love boat. And you are going to have to pry that remote out of your hand's cold, dead fingers.

Now on the other hand, ouch, sorry about the pun. There is "posterior" RLD, that does not mean you'll have an excuse to grab any one's ass you want, no, not even your own. Because this type, actually causes your hand to say "I'm NOT touching that" and by says, I mean actively avoids at all cost.

In a nutshell, what I'm saying is, it's a pretty messed up thing to have. Thanks again, Doc. The parts of your brain that collectively control the parts of your body, are dumb, and they get into a fight, then they never talk again, end up being estranged, and they meet on the bus one day and cry, but that's about it. I guess that's why we can never make up our minds, because our minds can't themselves!

So, my advice, and I like to believe it's rooted firmly in "common sense", is just avoid a few little things. Avoid brain damage to any mentioned part of the brain. OH! And the whole "Your brain split down the middle" thing, once again, thanks, Doc. Apparently it's OK to just saw stuff in half and hope for the best! OH!! Can't forget "The Evil Dead" That's an important one.

OOPS! Epilepsy!

-Ari Racz