Monday, January 25, 2010

Unicorns: Narwhals landlocked cousin!

Unicorns aren’t just magical creatures that fart rainbows and puke up bunnies. No, they are a mystical animal rooted deeply in mythology of almost every culture. Besides America, who thinks they can walk on clouds and make peoples teeth fall out from smiling so much! The real story is much more interesting, in fact, it’s down right magical!
Also, unicorns are Jesus.

The first appearance of a Unicorn, was in medieval times. There are references to them in everything from the bible to my little pony. They must be real if the bible says so! In the Bible they represented strength and dignity. Usually as a one horned animal… So the translation because Unicorn… Somehow. They are typically represented by a bull, or another horned animal depicted standing in such a way where you can only see one of the horns.  There are no references to unicorns in Greek mythology… They are in natural history… that’s right, the Greeks thought they actually existed. Oh, they found them in India, because why the hell not, right?
Yeah, she's a virgin.

For centuries cultures have been mistaking animals for Unicorns. That’s right, people actually thought there were like a million different kinds of them. Like the Rhinos in Africa, Narwhals in the water, single-horned goats, and pretty much anything else that was hanging around the opium den.

Unicorns were thought to have the power to neutralize poisons… So people would spend ridiculous amounts of money on goblets made out of “Unicorn Horns”. Sort of like an infomercial nowadays. Another handy thing the Unicorns could do in the dark ages, was to be able to tell if a woman was a virgin or not. It has been said that only virgins can ride them… Sort of suggestive don’t you think?

People used to hunt Unicorns. Seriously, hunt Unicorns. It was a pretty tricky hunt too, you couldn’t just go and blow a hole the size of a basketball in them. You had to lure them in, with a virgin. Once again, suggestions much? Man, those ol school people were really, really against women! Now before you go all PETA on my ass, remember, these are only based on mythology… And a lot of drugs.
Unicorns are tough bastards.

There have been bones found that seem to be something like a Unicorn.. Or maybe it was just a prehistoric Rhino? Who the hell knows, certainly not anyone that has any kind of nonsense beliefs… Like Unicorns. Besides, it was proven that if Unicorns had cloven hooves (as they were said to have) then they must have had cloven skulls. Whatever the fuck that means. And something with a cloven skull can’t grow a single horn. Well that makes perfect sense. PERFECT SENSE.

So next time you want to go find a Unicorn, go to India, find a virgin…. And then pray. Because face it, you aren’t going to have much luck unless you have radical ideas about the way the world works. Oh, and better wear some protective gear. Those horns are really fucking stabby.

Awwww, isn't it just sooo, OW MY EYE!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Scrappy is the spawn of satan (Actually his dog)

Sure, we all hate the little prick. Some of us might even want to assault him. (Add cook and eat if you live in Taiwan) But the thing is, most of us don’t know why we hate him. That’s where I step in.

Being an openly avid Scooby fan, having seen every single episode of the original run, I feel I am most qualified to lay the truth on you. Scrappy-Doo is the son of Satan’s dog. Are you really surprised? He tries to fight everything. The pup opened Pandora’s box for fuck’s sake! He literally unleashed every demon and evil spirit contained in the most evil thing ever created. Just to put it into perspective, Scooby and Shaggy always ran away from anything, even grasshoppers. Scrappy, on the other hand, would run headlong into any situation.
Something like that.

Literally, any situation. House on fire, full of zombies on fire, with mutated leeches, and Leatherface? Scrappy is there knocking on the front door.
Don't worry, Scrappy's in there.

Yes, he was even more annoying than Scooby-Dum (Who was clearly retarded).

First of all, no one likes Scrappy. Look at the movie they made, he was the villain.He transformed into a hulkish monster from hell.
More like scrappy douche.

If anyone knows the story behind Pandora’s box, which I’m sure you have some idea about the myth. Scrappy was not the one who originally opened the thing, it was Pandora. The box contained all the evils, ills, diseases, and burdens that have plagued mankind from that point on. So you see how stupid Scrappy really is, seriously, he’s a few notches below Scooby-Dum.

Because he opened the box, they had to team up with Vincent Price... That's right, Vincent Price was the only man on the planet willing to help poor Scooby out.
I still can't decide if he's creepier as a cartoon.

So you can plainly see the separation between the two. I honestly believe Scooby-Dum wouldn’t even bother to open the box, but play with a bunch of the other cooler, less evil crap laying around the place.
Like books, which he couldn't read.

At least Scooby-Dum didn’t try to get anyone into trouble. He just ended up doing it on accident, but it seemed to work out well. Scrappy on the other hand, did it all on purpose. Like he wanted to collect on Scooby’s vast fortune of Scooby Snacks.
Is it worth murder? Scrappy thinks so.

So next  time you run into Scrappy. Give him the cold shoulder. Or better yet, a kick to the solar plexus. That'll show him what "puppy power" really is!

-Ari Racz

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

What if Dinosaurs never went extinct?

Think about it. We would be the Flintstones! I’m sure we wouldn’t have dinosaurs vacuum our rugs, or wash the dishes… What would we do with them? Would they be gigantic? Or would they have shrunk to proportionate size like cats and dogs, alligators, birds, lizards…. Instead of dogs, would we have pet brontosaurs?

Just for arguments sake, I’m going to go ahead and tell you that the dinosaurs never went extinct, never ate every human in sight, and are still awesomely huge. Well, the awesomely huge ones anyhow!

Here’s a few images that I managed to snag from an alternate dimension. Yes, I can do that. Don’t believe me? Look at the pictures, damn.
"Mommy, where do babies come from?"

  I’m sure we would be using velociraptors as police dogs.

"Easy Bruno, we'll get that underage smoker!"

What about bull fights? Yeah, without bulls it would be a bit different!

"You've got him right where he wants you!"

What about ancient history? Do you think they would lead a charge of trained T-rexes? What about ancient Rome? Those gladiators would be in for it!

"I didn't sign up for that!"

Would we have had cattle and a Stegasaurus ranch? Branding would be a little tricky!

"Um, Jeb? I'm having second thoughts about the last one there."

All in all, the world would definitely be a very, very interesting place. (Albeit more dangerous!) Never again will you have to worry about squirrels! Just those pesky tiny dinosaurs that ate the guy in one of those Jurassic Park movies, I forget which one, but that's not important!

-Ari Racz