Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Man is attacked by a bear, and wolves.

Wolf attacks don't happen very often, in fact, in the last 50 years only 17 fatalities have been reported worldwide, when they do it is usually a wolf that has seen one too many people. Bear attacks don't happen very often, either, you‘re 12 times more likely to die from a bee sting. This is the story of one unfortunate man, who had to face both at once. However unlikely the odds are, the truth about it is much more unusual.

It was early in the evening one late winter day. Darnell Watson was hiking along some previously unexplored trails in near the Methow River in northern Washington. All of a sudden he was surprised by a bear as he rested on a log eating some beef jerky. During this encounter, he just stopped and stared at the monstrous grizzly bear. The bear gazed straight back at him, seemingly eyeing his soul. As the man started to slowly back away, he heard a low growl coming from behind him, and then a second. He thought he was trapped in the middle of a family of bears, right in between a mother and her cubs. His horrible situation may have just gotten worse.

As he slowly turned around, he noticed three wolves on an embankment a few feet in front of him. He swallowed hard, turned to the bear and gazed right into it's eyes with a solid resolve saved only for the most hardened men, and Janet Reno. The first thing that went through his head, was which one would be faster, which one would end his suffering first. Then he thought, "No." He stared the bear square in the eyes, as fiercely as possible. That's when he noticed the bear, looking just as fiercely at him, almost gazing straight through him. That's when he knew, it was him and the bear, in it for the long haul.

He turned his back to the bear and slowly began to back towards it. Standing side by side, they prepared for the most difficult fight of their lives. By this time, five more wolves appeared through the brush. Darnell swallowed hard, trying to process what was undoubtedly about to happen. He and the bear gave each other a knowing look. The bear lunged and swung one of its massive paws, taking out the three wolves on the embankment. Another wolf clamped onto the bear's shoulder and help on tight. That's when Darnell made a leaping roll, picking up a large hefty log, and smashed the attacking wolf in the head. The wolf fell with a whimper, and he continued to pound at the wolf's skull with all the rage he has ever known. The bear went after another wolf, taking it into his strong jaws and instantly snapping it's spine.

Darnell swung the log wildly, hitting two of the remaining wolves, keeping them at bay. The bear tore into one of the wolves, ripping it apart almost instantly. That is when one of the remaining wolves let out a howl that would strike fear into any man. And pounced towards the Darnell, gripping tight onto his left arm. As the man struggled with the wolf, he could feel his shoulder separating, further and further. Finally, the wolf took his arm clean off. Stunned, and still in shock, the man grabbed his own arm from the wolf. The wolf was confused, almost in awe over this feat of strength. The man started thrashing at the wolf, wildly and without regard. He pummeled the wolf with his own severed arm. The remaining wolf fled, the bear followed, although not before looking back at the man with one final glance of appreciation, and understanding.

The man amazingly survived, walking 8 miles to the ranger station he had passed hours before. He held his arm under his remaining appendage, soaked in the blood of bear, wolf, and man. They were able to reattach his severed limb, and he has since regained full functionality of it. The rangers called him lucky. He only said he was lucky the bear was there. If it wouldn’t have been for his partner, he would surely have been taken by the wolves.

To this day Darnell still hikes along the forgotten trails and streams of northern Washington. The only thing that has changed is he now carries a full-auto AR-15, everywhere.

-Ari Racz

Saturday, February 20, 2010

New medical phenomenon reported

Tuesday February 4th, 2010

In a small town on the outskirts of Gretna, Virginia doctors are at a loss for words. A new post-modem  condition has been named. No, it isn't zombies, although that would be awesome. A man, who has declined to be named, was pronounced dead on arrival at the Gretna Medical Center. His original diagnosis was a sudden and massive coronary heart attack. Doctors further explained the heart attack may have been brought on due to his two and a half pack a day cigarette habit.

This death was nothing out of the ordinary, unexpected, but on par with the average heart attack. The medical phenomenon took place approximately 28 minutes after he was pronounced dead. A nurse came in to begin preparation for transport of the body to the morgue. It was at this time witnesses stated they saw the nurse run out of the room in a panic.

Doctors entered the room immediately after. Finding the patient halfway inside of a hospital body bag in preparation for transport. Puzzled, the doctors questioned the nurse, she told them the patient sat up and asked for a cigarette. At that point she fled the room. The doctors returned  and checked the patients vital signs, which were stable and nearly perfect. The patient promptly sat up and once again asked for a cigarette. The bewildered doctors had to act quickly to come to a unanimous conclusion. This conclusion has lead to one of the most profound physiological conditions to ever arise form the world of substance addiction.

"Reincarnative Addiction Reactivity". Yes, it sounds absurd. As close as the team of experts that have been constantly reviewing the case can tell, it has to do with the addiction center of the brain. The neurotransmitters that have been identified as the addiction center of the brain, had concentrated and amplified what little energy was left in the patient's brain. The remaining brainwaves, which can be detected more than three months after death, have "jump-started" the basic motor functions of the body. Restarting the heart, and breathing actions, essentially bringing the man back from beyond death.

The patient is fine today, the team of specialists are currently subjecting the man to a battery of tests. As of yet the findings have been inconclusive, the team will publish their research in every major scientific journal upon completion of the study. The man is still a heavy smoker, ironically, he contributes his entire new life to his addiction to nicotine. He even credits his life to the Marlboro company. The entire tobacco industry has inquired in regard with making a documentary based on the man's life, and death, and life again. They are still awaiting a response form the man's attorney. I expect the tobacco industry to attempt to use this man's re-life as a way to advocate smoking. We shall see what comes of it.

So kids, remember not to smoke. Unless you want to miraculously come back to life, kinda like Jesus, just without all the crucifixion nonsense.

-Ari Racz 

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Pass the salt, please!

For centuries salt has been really important. Yes, it makes food taste good. It makes roads safer to drive on during the winter months. It even can make energy! I’m sure you are wondering why I am writing about salt. Doesn’t really seem that important, does it? Well, I’ll lay out a few facts for you. There are over 14,000 uses for salt. Everything from making windows and plastics, to sensitive experiments involving physics and astrophysics. That’s right, even space thinks salt is important, just ask the astronauts who would die if there wasn’t any salt for their space suits!
There is salt somewhere in there.

First of all, I’ll get to the history of salt. It goes way back. And by “way back” I mean over 4 thousand years ago, and it’s been recorded much further back than that. The Great Wall of China was literally funded by salt! The Emperor of China (Still the leading country in salt production) actually made enough money from trading salt to Europeans to keep the Mongols out of his back yard. Without salt, China would be riding horses and shooting arrows at everything and anything in sight. The Chinese aren’t the only ones that built stuff because of salt. The Eerie Canal, one of the most important trading routes in North America was built partially because of salt!
"Salt?! Are you kidding me... SALT?!"

It doesn’t stop at building stuff either. Roman soldiers were given a salary of salt, they called it "salarium argentums”, which has become the word Salary.
A whole month's worth of war.

We all know that one! During the 13th-16th centuries, salt was of major importance in West Africa. So important, it was actually traded ounce-for-ounce for gold. That’s right, the Saharan salt trade caravans are still cameling around Africa, but they don’t trade it for gold anymore, probly just children…
One child for every block of salt.

Ghandi even marched to the sea at one point, he wanted to make salt tax free from the British Empire. Oh that Ghandi.
All he is eating, is salt.

Today China is the leader in salt production of the world. That and cheap toys painted with lead… They produced over 59 million metric tons of salt in 2007... Million metric tons. That is a whole shitload of salt. There are many different ways to produce salt. Ranging from mining salt using blasting and pulling it out of the ground, to chemically treating brine, a liquid comprised of water and salt. Evaporating sea water is an up and coming way to produce it, although the energy required could top over 10 million dollars per facility… One way to combat that, would be using molten salt to produce energy… That’s right, they can actually use salt to make energy. And it won’t run out like oil. Suck on that you oil execs!
"You're trying to tell me, salt is more important than us?"

Salt can be pretty pricey. There is one type of salt, called Viking Salt, that sells for over 150 dollars… per pound.
 "They did what for salt? Blew up a subway?!"

There are over 40 different types of salt, each with it’s own distinctive flavor, texture, and use. Some of it is even used in explosives. Imagine if we were still to consider salt in such a high regard? It is probably the most important mineral ever discovered, and the most abundant. It’s a reusable natural resource, that’s right, you can reuse it with certain applications. Next time you’re reaching for the salt, don’t forget how important it really is. There are over 14,000 uses for salt. Basically everything in your house has had salt involved with it at one point or another.
Imagine that.

-Ari Racz

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Anti-Gravity event reported

Friday, February 12th.

An unexplained geological event has rocked the small, isolated region of New Jersey. Scientists are still baffled as to what could cause the phenomenon. Eyewitnesses from the site said, "It seemed like the ground just threw them up!". Some physicists have stated it could only have been an anti-gravity field. Others have dismissed these claims as "Hogwash", and "Poppycock". The residents within the effected area noticed plates lifting off tables, lamps turning on their side, among many other strange occurrences. During the event, a local store owner witnessed the snow fall literally reverse, and begin to rise up from the streets. One policeman found a discarded Pepsi can on the side of the road, it has yet to be determined as a cause of the incident.

Many theories have been purported, although no exact cause has been established. The leading theory is that an unknown scientist has created and tested an anti-gravity weapon. Although, the claim is unsupported as of this time. More information will be released upon further investigation. The second leading theory is one of magnetic disturbances in the Earth’s magnetosphere. Once again, an unsupported, yet valid claim. A more interesting, yet highly disregarded theory, is the phenomenon is that it was caused by the Russians. This theory has been put forth by a cold war operative, it has not been given high credibility.

Particle Physicist Edward Riley, of Cornell University, spoke at the new conference from the Mayor’s office in Jersey City. He stated “There is no reason to alarm, or to panic the public. We believe this was an isolated incident, with no further repercussions.” He said while gingerly floating about three feet from the podium, and gripping tightly to his toupee. He went on to say “Further ‘aftershocks’ were not to be expected.” He gave no solid information leading to a conclusion to the event, as none have yet been found.

The national weather service offered a simple statement by request of the Governor. “We have no *#^@*ing clue.”  To which the National Geological Society added, “Yeah, we’re pretty much shooting blanks in the dark at this one, too.”

Will there ever be a reasonable explanation to these events? After further review of the facts and statements from the scene, I have come up with a simple answer to this question. “No.” So stop worrying about it, and if it does happen again, enjoy it, but try to stay grounded or else you’ll end up with your head in the clouds.

-Ari Racz