Monday, November 24, 2008

The worst tv shows, that were once great movies

There have been many great movies that have become great t.v. series, and some that have crashed harder than the economy. These are the ones that didn't make it to a second season, or for that matter, some of them through the first. The shows that tried to squeeze every drop of money out of a movie (kinda like our Friday nights, but without the money part) These are the shows made from movies that time forgot, the ones that were either so crappy no one cared. The ones that had so much bullshit crammed into the script, the only resemblance of the actual movie, was the title itself.

Case number one - Logan's Run
Pretty awesome movie! The show was a pile of, you know.
It aired fourteen episodes, September 16, 1977 through February 6, 1978.

Is that a tattoo gun? Maybe Logan's Run was more hardcore than we thought.

In the movie, it was awesome. There was a big ass central computer buried under some mountain, and you couldn't live past the age of thirty. They had crystals embedded in their palms that changed color to tell how old you are. After it turns black, you have to go in for "willing termination", if not you're called "a runner". Pretty neat huh? They had awesome guns, it was set in 2274 (that's the future), and it had a bunch of techno-awesomeness you'd expect from 2274.

The show... Well, it took place in 2319, first of all. That is a crappy year for me, so I already hate it. In the show, no one has the crystals embedded in their palms, so they must have had a damn good census bureau or something. The guns didn't just "kill people", they had a "stun", "blast" and "kill" setting, we kind of figure "blasting" would pretty much kill things, but it's the future, so what the fuck do we know? Logan runs (haha get it, "Logan's Run") away from some city where they want to kill him, meets some android named Rem, hops in a hovercraft, and has all sorts of fun adventures with horny future chicks and robots.

Case number two - Ferris Bueller's Day Off
The movie made millions, the show made us cry.
It only aired 13 episodes. It aired for only 353 days, August 23, 1990 through August 11, 1991, that's not a good ratio, I think. I'm not a rocket scientists or anything.

Who the fuck is that guy?

Great movie! A whole lot of twists and turns, suprises and a happy ending (not for the principal, though). What made it a great movie? It was the fact that all those things that Ferris and his group of renegade teenagers did, were a one time deal. How many times can you skip school, steal a car (and then total it), sing in a parade on national t.v., steal a three hundred dollar meal and get away with it all? We're betting about once.

That is why the show failed, how many times could he have stolen a car and skipped school? He would have flunked out, fast. His depressed buddy would have hung himself under the bleachers in the auditorium after the fifth episode. Ferris' girlfriend would have left him for the proverbial jock character. All these events would lead to a strung-out Ferris Bueller sleeping in gutters and whoring himself out for a few quick bucks to get his fix.

The bottom line is, "Bueller.... Bueller.... Bueller..." We would have to hear that for 13 episodes? Seriously, that's too much, even for Ben Stein.

-Ari Racz

Enjoy! And COMMENT!!!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

That was a War?!

Throughout human history, we as a race have become skilled in many different abilities. Perhaps the one we excel the most, would have to be all out war. So after a spirited game of Risk in the Cracked staff room (all in all it lasted one hour and twenty eight minutes, a flipped board, and dozens of little plastic wartime heros strewn across the floor, and one really pissed off intern) We decided to research the most laughable excuses for war that have ever happened. So short, one sided, and flat out idiotic, they aren't even in any textbooks. Sure, you may have heard of The Bay Of Pigs, a little conflict we have come to know as "Vietnam", and then there's Operation Desert Storm, which was more like "Operation practice kicking ass for a few years in Iraq" (which isn't going as well as we planned).

So here they are, for you to ponder, laugh at, and just think long and hard about the question, "Why the fuck did they even bother?"

The Falklands War
How long did it last? 42 days.
Who was fighting? Argentina vs. The British Empire
Who won? The British Empire
So why were they fighting?

Argentina got tired of the British occupying their land, and invaded South Georgia on March 19th, 1982. The names and the ownership of the territories had been much disputed beforehand, we're going to go out on a limb and say that "The South Sandwich Islands" was the main on that ticked them off here.

So Argentina invaded and moved onto the Falkland islands, and then the British Royal Air Force stepped up, assuming Argentina had no clue what they were getting themselves into, there was a big fight. All in all, Argentina surrendered on July 14th. Of course, neither country claimed that it was an actual war, this was the point in time where the British Empire was very polite and dignified, and didn't want to rub it in any further, and Argentine was most likely too ashamed that they tried to pull a stunt like that.

Outcome? The British Empire took everything back, and kept all the stuff the Argentinians ran away from.

The Polish-Lithuanian War
How long did it last? A whole 37 days.
Who was fighting? Pretty obvious - Poland vs. Lithuania
Who won? Believe it or not, Poland
Why did they fight?

The war started not long after these two pseudo-superpowers gained their independence. It all began over the disputed cities of Vilhius, Suwalki, and Augustow. Poland claimed they had won, and with their fingers crossed, signed an agreement to stop hostilities. They promptly sent Lithuania a message along the lines of, "Hey, Lithuania, it's Poland... Fuck you." Poland then setup the puppet state of "The Republic of Central Lithuania", in a blatant attempt to confuse the Lithuanians. It was centered around the historic capitol of Lithuania, "Grand Duchy", we swear we didn't make that up. The muppet state was short lived, gained no international recognition, due to the fact that everyone isn't completely idiotic and all. Both Poland and Lithuania claimed the area to be their own, yet it was annexed to Poland after Poland's general elections. Lithuania was pissed, here at Cracked, we'd like to think the elections went something like this:

"Hey, Poland."
"Yeah, Poland?"
"What's up with that Second Republic of Lithuania?"
"Why don't we just call it Poland"
"Sweet, Poland. Sweet."
The elections were not officially recognized by Lithuania... No, shit?

The Second Balkan War
How long did it last? 32 days.
Who was fighting? Bulgaria vs. Greece, Serbia, Montenegro, Romania, and The entire fucking Ottoman Empire
Who won? Everyone, except Bulgaria
So why did they try in the first place?

It all started in 1913, Bulgaria in one corner, with most of the world in the other. When the bell rang Romania and the Ottoman Empire had stuffed a few anvils into the gloves that we have come to know as "Greece" and "Serbia". The whole conflict made Serbia a pretty badass fighter, like one of those UFC guys with no teeth, and scared the shit out of Austro-Hungary, which also helped kick off WWII. Way to go, Bulgaria. (WWII was much, much longer.) Romania invaded Bulgaria on June 27th, and again on July 10th. Romania took control over the undefended Southern Dobruja, and promptly hauled ass through to Northern Bulgaria, making a few stops on the way to Sofia. At this point, the Ottoman Empire snuck up and claimed some of Bulgaria's former possessions. Bulgaria pissed itself on July 23rd, and ran away from Andrianople, without firing a single damned shot. Much of the territory that wa won to Bulgarian in the first Balkan war, was lost again, and 10 months later, WWII started up. The Second Balkan War was just practice.?

The Greco-Turkish War
How long did it last? 30 days.
Who was fighting? Greece vs. The Ottoman Empire
Who won? The Ottoman Empire
Why were they fighting?

It was Greece, all the way. Greece was "concerned" about their citizens living in Crete, as they were still playing by the Ottoman's rules there. the War took place in 1897, on January 21st the Greeks, feeling all cocky, and we're assuming greasy and sexy, landed on Crete. It only took a few weeks for the Ottoman Empire to stomp the living hell out of the Greek invaders. Look at the size difference, that's like Hawaii rebelling in an attempt to secede from the rest of the U.S. The Greek action really pissed off most of Europe, who gave the Ottoman Empire the green light to dominate the Greeks. It was mostly the whole goat cheese thing, but partly because they invaded, or whatever. In the end of it all, Greece had lost every inch of land they gained, and had to pay a fuckload of fines to the Ottoman Empire. The moral? Do not fuck with the Ottoman Empire.

The Sino-Vietnamese War
How long did it last? 27 Days.
Who was fighting? China vs. Vietnam
Who won? They both said they won(Is it us, or is Vietnam a sore loser?)
Why were they fighting?

Vietnam had its eye on that sexy, sexy track of land called Cambodia, so they decided to take that junk. They invaded, occupied it, and promptly mooned China. This really, really pissed China off. On February 15, 1979 The People's Republic of China decided to throw on some gloves and go toe-to-toe with Vietnam. So what happened then, you ask? China marched right up in there, and marched right back out after marching all over Vietnamese soldiers. Then they enacted a scorched earth policy, and burned or bombed anything and everything that might have been of any kind of use to the Vietnamese. Oh, then they left Pol Pot in charge of Cambodia. Real fucking nice, Vietnam.

The Georgian-Armenian War
How long did it last? 24 days.
Who was fighting? Georgia vs. Armenia
Who won? Neither, they just had better shit to do.
So why were they fighting?

Both countries wanted the same territories. Seeing a pattern here? The areas they were fighting over had traditionally been bicultural, so they swing both ways, but don't like to share. It was mostly full of Armenians in the early 19th century, and Georgia wasn't havin' that. After WWI some of the territories were controlled by the Ottoman Empire, and when they got bored of them the real fighting started. On December 7th, 1918 Georgia and Armenia went from name calling and leaving bags of flaming poo on each other's front porch, to what we're assuming was the equivalent to a modern day slap fight. It went back and forth for a week or two at a time, then the British Empire (yeah, those guys again) being the nosey, er, "civil minded" nation that they were, stepped in. Then even the British Empire got bored, so they made both sides sign a cease-fire on December 31st. While Britian had a nice firm hold on their ears, they forced them to form the Georgian-Armenian Joint Administration. G.A.J.A. Really? Rolls right off the tongue, right? That administration lasted until 1920, when Russia bought a timeshare somewhere in Armenia, everyone else sort of backed away very slowly.

The Serbo-Bulgarian War
How long did it last? 14 Days.
Who was fighting? The Kingdom of Serbia vs. The Kingdom of Bulgaria
Who won? Bulgaria
So why were they fighting?

They just didn't like each other that much. On November 14th, 1885 Serbia and Bulgaria went at it like a pack of rabid wolves in heat. As a result of the war, the European powers that be recognized the Act of Unification of Bulgaria, which happened on September 6th, 1885. On November 28th, the Viennese ambassador in Belgrade, Count Kevenhueller-Metsch (yeah, we stopped trying to pronounce that a long time ago) visited the headquarters of the Bulgarian Army, and demanded the ceasing of all military action. How did he accomplish such a brass balls move? Easy, he had the entire Austro-Hungarian army standing behind him. The war however, did make everyone piss their pants if anyone mentioned fighting Bulgaria. So that's a good thing, We guess.

The Indo-Pakistani War
How long did it last? 13 Days.
Who was fighting? India vs. Pakistan
Who won? Uh, Bangladesh.... So, India?
Why were they fighting?

It all started out as a major dispute between the East Pakistanis and the West pakistanis. The Eastern Pakistani's had the majority of people, where as the Western Pakistani's must have had some wonder-twin rings, or some shit, so they were more powerful. The war started after the 1970 Pakistani election, it was because the voted to not have Bangladesh Liberated. For some reason, which our 21st century war-mongering selves cannot even fully comprehend, India got ticked off too, and aided in the fighting. The war started on December 16th, 1971, and raged until the 16th (we're assuming they played a hardcore game of monopoly or some shit during that time)

The 6 Day War
How long did it last? ... 6 fucking days, obviously.
Who was fighting? Israel vs. Egypt, Syria, Jordan, and Iraq
Who won? Israel... No shit? Really? Nice.
Why were they fighting?

It's Israel, they don't even need a fucking reason. It all started when Israel talked some shit to Syria, then Egypt got all pissy about it. So Egypt went ahead and amassed 1,000 tanks and 100,000 troops on the border of the Sinai Peninsula, not that we know where that is, or care to. Egypt went ahead and closed the waterways to anything that was flying the Israeli flag. Naturally this pissed off Israel, who concurrently place a jihad on anyone who got in their way. On June 5, 1967 Israel proceeded to deliver the largest bitch slap in the history of mankind. And in only 6 days they increased their total land by nearly three times, and gained more then a million citizens. Of course, these citizens were just pissed off arabs, but they still kinda count... They didn't even bother with "Negotiations" they just wanted to take that shit.

And that brings us to
The Anglo-Zanzibar War
Now, I bet you're thinking to yourself "How short does a war have to be to make it to number fucking one?"
less than 45 minutes, to be exact.
Who was fighting? Zanzibar vs. The British Empire
Who won? Not Zanzibar
Why were they fighting?

It wasn't so much a fight, as a complete destruction of morality, more like you beating a one eye llama in a game of pong. In 1896 the current sultan of Zanzibar, which whom the British were pleased to do business with, died. His successor? His nephew, Khalid Bin Bargash. The British Empire was not pleased. This new sultan loved slaves! Couldn't get enough of them! The British Empire was attempting to stop slave trade in the area. So what happened next? In the morning of August 27th, 1896, the British Empire issued an ultimatum to the sultan "Get the fuck out, or we will make you." The sultan wasn't having it, and replied with a highly formal "Suck my balls, Britain." And then fortified a palace. The British Empire shrugged, and set up shop in the bay right in front of the palace. Then the sultan backed off, but it was too late. And The British Empire started to shell the palace, for about 45 minutes. At this point, the sultan shat himself a few times, and ran away. Then in a balls out awesome move, the British Empire charged Zanzibar for every shot they fired. Oh, The British empire also landed some troops on the shore, just to play volleyball though.

-Ari Racz

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I was reading the other day about someone suing Oprah for extortion...

So I decided I'd go and look up a few "tricky" people and see what I can find!

In 1991, Richard Overton sued Anheuser-Busch for false and misleading advertising under Michigan State law. The complaint specifically referenced ads involving, among other things, fantasies of beautiful women in tropical settings that came to life for two men driving a Bud Light truck. He also included one claim that appears to allege that he personally suffered injuries as a result of the false advertisements. I think he just ran after the beer truck for a mile and scraped his knee or something. A number of publications and websites parodied this lawsuit by focusing only on the third claim for relief and ignoring Mr. Overton's civic minded efforts to prevent Bud Light from making false or misleading claims in its advertisements. That happens to me all the time, I just don't sue over it. I just thought it happened to everyone. While it does appear that the third claim for relief is based on alleged injuries (including "personal injury to his health both physical and mental, emotional distress, and financial loss in excess of $10,000") that guy can really drink a lot, suffered by Mr. Overton in as a result of Anheuser-Busch's alleged false advertising, that is only one of three claims made in the complaint. That's a bit over the top, even for a drunkard with a horrible idea.

We all know that when you open a beer, you do not attract supermodels. That happens when you open your bank account.

In 1995, Robert Lee Brock sued himself for $5 million. He claimed that he had violated his own civil rights and religious beliefs by allowing himself to get drunk and commit crimes which landed him in the Indian Creek Correctional Center in Virginia, serving a 23 year sentence for grand larceny and breaking and entering. What could he possibly have to gain by suing himself? Since being in prison prevented him from having an income, he expected the state to pay. This case was thrown out.

Well, now that plan is out the window, We should aim for this one...

On a $5 dare from friends, 13-year-old Justin Porter climbed 35 feet up an electric transmission tower. Who was to know such an adventure might prove dangerous? 19,700 volts later, his mother, Anna Thebeau, is suing the electric utility, Ameren, saying it should have fenced off the tower against trespassers, should have posted a big warning sign on it, should have designed it so that it could not be climbed up, and should have insulated the wires far overhead. Because it's unlikely that anyone, anyone, would be so stupid as to not see a "Danger High Voltage" sign no matter what the size...

At least he made $5 off the whole deal.

-Ari Racz

Saturday, November 1, 2008

The most disgusting jobs, ever

Sewer Diver

Swimming in sewers. Yeah, fucking swimming in a nasty sewer. But someone has to do it right? So you're bobbing around in a nice thick pool of everything that comes out of a human body, and sometimes, a human body itself. There's bacteria, poo, some dead things floating around, most likely some kind of toxic waste. Oh, did I mention it smells like a rotting corpse taking a dump in a toxic waste depository? Yeah, that's nasty, and those guys do that, every day.

Would you swim in that just to remove the neighbor's cat from the drainpipe? Yeah, doubtful.

Crime Scene Cleaner

Basically, these guys clean up after murders and suicides. Have you ever heard the expression "I would hate to be the guy that has to clean that up." These are the guys. And they are tough as nails, that clean stuff. I knew a guy that did this for a living once, he was crazy, and enjoyed it. Now I'm not saying he's a messed up guy, but that's pretty gross. In order for you to actually get it clean, you'd have to pick up pieces of bone, tissue, blood, whatever the guy left for you to "clean up". If you flinch at any of the horror movies involving blood, this is not for you, as a warning, I respectfully ask you, forget about being a crime scene cleaner. Post traumatic stress disorder, and many other mental impairments can arise from doing this kind of work. It's dangerous too, so they have to wear Hazmat suits and gear, you know, all the infectious diseases, meth, and what have you.

Depending on the crime, (or punishment) the cleanup can take an hour or two, to a few days. They charge by the hour though, so it's alright, and they easily scale the $75,000 mark. Point me to the room of gore, please.

Organic Coffee-Farmer 

Yeah I know "How the hell is farming coffee dirty, also, we fucking love coffee."

So these coffee-farmers, as we'll call them, use something along the lines of compost. It's kelp, donkey crap, and a bunch of other stuff you really don't want to touch. Sure they can use a shovel, but they like it dirty, and use their hands. Now, you see, this stuff smells so bad it literally has stink lines coming off it, literally.  So they just build sandcastles out of shit, then maybe have a poo ball fight, and grow some coffee, yes, Starbucks coffee is organic. So, how about that latte?

Hospital Cleanup Crew  

When you go to the E.R. it's all nice and clean, and nothing like that show about the E.R. (you know the one. Hospitals are supposed to be clean and sterile, so sterilized that you can practically eat off the floor. I really urge against eating off any floor, my lawyers told me I had to say that.)  Open up one of those garbage cans. Inside those bags are hypodermic needles, brain matter, blood, contaminated feces, pus-soaked cotton balls, amputated limbs (yes, they just throw those out) and a good deal of tissue and fat from the plastic surgery department. These guy's job is to clean all that up, and put it away where nobody can see them.

Aside from the fact it's fucking horridly disgusting, you're dealing with germs, not "the cold", I'm talking Ebola, AIDS, Herpes, and of course, the clap. The reason people went to the hospital in the first place is to not die from whatever they have. While most clean up crews can more or less assume that the yellow mush is left over mashed potatoes, what they're
actually looking at it s a blob of lipids from a liposuction.

Worm taster 

Yeah, "What the fuck?!" is right.

There are a number of Worm Breeders, they sell worms to the fishing tackle shops who then sell them to
people who go fishing. Worms come in a number of breeds, some are more attractive to fish than others – breeders
are always searching for the perfect worm, one that the fish can’t resist. Yet, that begs the question "Why can't we just give these fish a worm and see if they freak out over it?" That’s where these unlucky bastards come in, they spend each and every day sniffing, feeling and, of course, eating raw worms in an effort to find those new breeds that the fish will like.  Because there are people that know what fish like, assuming you're Aquaman, this is pretty much the only thing you could actually do as a living. On top of that the pay is minimum wages, and you're Aquaman.

"So, how was work today?"

"Pretty shitty."

"It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it."

-Ari Racz