Friday, September 26, 2008

"Alien Hand Syndrome"

It's otherwise known as "Dr. Strangelove Syndrome". My guess, is because it would be really strange, well, you know. It's a type of neurological disorder, one of the hands of the sufferer "has a mind of its own". Sometimes the sufferer will have no clue what the hell that pesky self aware hand is up to, until someone says "Excuse me sir, could you kindly remove your hand from my wife's purse?" The hand can also do some pretty complex stuff, like unbutton clothing, remove clothing, use tools, pick someone else's nose, etc... What the hell is that all about?

"Sorry I tore off your shirt, I have alien hand syndrome"

"It wasn't me, it was my hand!"

(I smell a career in soap opera writing ahead for me!!!)
Sometimes people believe it is possessed by some intelligent or alien force. Sometimes they seem to think the hand is simply "misbehaving". Really? Do you think so? I mean, what was your first clue? That handgun? I'm sure you'd have to be crazy in the first place to think it was actually possessed, or Catholic.

One of the reasons it happens at all, is that you have some crazy epilepsy, and can't stop having seizures. So your brilliant fucking doctor says to you one day "Hey, I know, let's slice your brain in half right down the middle and see if that does the trick"
GREAT! Thanks Doc! Now I'm lighting fires all over my apartment without knowing it until my neighbor starts screaming about her cats! There are many ways to get it, all of which involve brain injury. Let me go through a few for you quickly. There's damage to the "Corpus Callosum", the part of the brain that connects both halves. That kind of injury can give you "purposeful" Alien hand Syndrome. That's when your hands are like you and your bitchy little sister trying everything you can to spite the other. So it basically boils down to this- Our brain doesn't know what the hell it's doing, and neither do we.

When you have "Alien Hand Syndrome", for fucks sake, I'm going to start calling.... "Retarded Limb Disease". You could literally put a cigarette in your mouth with your right hand (yes I know, talent!) and as soon as you are going to grab your lighter, your douche of a left hand snatches it right out of your mouth, and throws it into a garbage disposal. I think that's a very rude misbehaving hand!

Think about having a doctor's note for that. I mean seriously, the possibilities! You could smack a random person on the subway, flash a note, and say "Sorry, dude, I have Alien hand syndrome", so which they would reply "Oh, hey, that's Retarded Limb Disease, right?". That's right, now you too can have your very own personal, portable, always ready to take the fall, scapegoat!

Let me talk a bit about the humor of this disease, which mind you, I'll shorten up already. "RLD". That'll do, that'll do fine. So, let's say that you're on your couch, watching TV. You are thinking about watching MacGuyver

He built that out of a popsicle stick, some pepper and a chipmunk.

and your left hand is thinking about watching Love Boat.


Boy, your left hand is a real jerk! It's going to watch love boat. And you are going to have to pry that remote out of your hand's cold, dead fingers.

Now on the other hand, ouch, sorry about the pun. There is "posterior" RLD, that does not mean you'll have an excuse to grab any one's ass you want, no, not even your own. Because this type, actually causes your hand to say "I'm NOT touching that" and by says, I mean actively avoids at all cost.

In a nutshell, what I'm saying is, it's a pretty messed up thing to have. Thanks again, Doc. The parts of your brain that collectively control the parts of your body, are dumb, and they get into a fight, then they never talk again, end up being estranged, and they meet on the bus one day and cry, but that's about it. I guess that's why we can never make up our minds, because our minds can't themselves!

So, my advice, and I like to believe it's rooted firmly in "common sense", is just avoid a few little things. Avoid brain damage to any mentioned part of the brain. OH! And the whole "Your brain split down the middle" thing, once again, thanks, Doc. Apparently it's OK to just saw stuff in half and hope for the best! OH!! Can't forget "The Evil Dead" That's an important one.

OOPS! Epilepsy!

-Ari Racz

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