These are writings about the unusual, about the mundane, as well as the complicated, inebriated, confusing, obvious, and everything in between.
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Saturday, April 17, 2010
The Worst day ever
Imagine for a moment, the worst day you’ve ever had. So the power goes out in the middle of the night, and of course you had no idea you were supposed to put a backup battery into your alarm clock for just that. You end up being two hours late for work. You lost the big Henderson account, so you knock off a bit early to relax only to find out your tire is flat. Of course you don’t have a spare in the trunk. You forgot your cell phone at your desk and the cleaning crew stole it, sucks so far. Then it gets worse. Your wife, not being able to get hold of you, and when the cleaning lady answers the phone she thinks you’re cheating on her. So she leaves you. Man, that day really sucked.
Worst day ever, right?
Now imagine that entire day consisting of completely different “worst” scenarios. The Mayans predicted the end of days to occur on December 21st 2012. No one is really sure what is going to happen on that day. The only thing they are certain of is “It’s really going to suck.” Remember 1999 when some crazy people thought the World was going to hit a standstill because of some tiny little glitch in banking and commercial software that was just a cut corner? Yeah, the whole “Let’s save some money by only putting in two digits for the date instead of four like we should have.” We all know nothing happened, nothing at all. Well, nothing besides billions of people, drunkenly yelling numbers at the top of their lungs. Aside from that, not a damn thing happened. There have been many different theories on the end of the world. Everyone since Nostradamus has said it at one point or another. It all builds up some pretty heavy speculation. Imagine if the worst day ever happened to everyone, and the events in that day were every disaster scenario that has ever been predicted. Every disaster movie, The Day After Tomorrow, Armageddon, Deep Impact… Aliens? How bad would that be?
Journalism has taken a big hit since the zombie apacolypse
Among the theories out there, the most plausible would most likely have to be WWIII. Yes, there are tons of nuclear stockpiles left over from the cold war. Yes, people are assholes and like to shoot other people who they think are assholes. Yes, Dilbert is a retarded comic strip. OK, so that last one was just for me, just pay attention. The basic theory of WWIII is that one person will shoot a nuke at someone, that person will shoot a nuke back, then everyone and their grandma will start poppin caps at bitches and smackin’ ho’s all over the place. We wouldn’t be able to literally destroy the world, but the nuclear fallout in the following months would definitely kill everything. Then it would end up being like Twelve Monkeys, with a tiny fraction of humans left living like slaves and going back in time, kinda like Link in The Legend of Zelda, only without the badassery.
Wow, Navi isn't as nice as I remember.
Another very likely scenario is a meteor impact. Yes it will happen. That’s a guarantee. There are over 5,000 known “near Earth orbit” objects just waiting to punch us dead in the crotch. The dinosaurs were killed off partly due to one. Hell, a meteor made the friggin Gulf of Mexico. So it is pretty much a certainty that we’re going to take one for the team sometime. The only question is when. No, we can’t go the “Armageddon” route and land on the thing, plant a few nukes, and then revel in the amazing glory of the ballsiest men on the planet. (Besides Ben Afflack, fuck that guy) We would have to know about it at least ten years before it hits us. Ten whole fucking years. We would then be able to send a space craft up to the thing, either park on it, or right next to it and then gently nudge it out of orbit. So no “Last minute” macho man in a spacesuit saves the planet crap. If we noticed one tomorrow that was going to hit us in a week, you might as well party like its 1999… Again.
You may or may not have heard of the “Doomsday-Argument”. Brandon Carter put it forth in 1983; he said our rate of human births is what will be our downfall. That we are among the first 95% of humans to be born. That’s a pretty ballsy claim. It would be like “Children of Men”, only exactly the same. Imagine that, no one being able to have any kids, ever again. I’m sure all you people out there that hate children would be very pleased, but you have to figure everyone would be old, and that would just plain suck. Carter used some mathematics and logic to figure out that the entire human population would be born in about 9120 years from when he made the claim. That the human population will top off at about 1.2 trillion people, 60 billion of which have been born thus far. I call bullshit. Lots and lots of bullshit. How the hell are we not going to keep having kids, seriously, people like to fuck. We all know where babies come from. (And if you don’t, I might just have to show you in the most appropriate way I can think of.)
Then, of course you have the basics. Zombies, 2012, plague, Alien invasion. You can pick or choose whichever you want, there is one thing that is definitely certain. The world will eventually end. Whether it be by the expansion of the sun, another planet getting knocked out of orbit and smacking square into South Africa or whatever.
Well that just sucks.
Ok, so back to the whole personal worst day scenario. (Warning: Minor edits follow)
“Imagine for a moment, the worst day you’ve ever had. So the power goes out in the middle of the night, due to a nuclear warhead hitting the Hoover dam, and of course you had no idea you were supposed to put a backup battery into your alarm clock for just that. You end up being two hours late for work, which you find has been overrun by a horde of bloodthirsty zombies. You lost the big Henderson account, only because of a meteor hitting the satellite office in Philadelphia, instantly killing the prospective client. So you knock off a bit early to try and relax, only to find out your entire car has been stolen by a group of alien teenagers from some planet no one has ever heard of. Of course you forgot your cell phone at your desk, which the zombies are now using as a chew toy, sucks so far right? Then it gets worse. Your wife, not being able to get a hold of you, tries to call you repeatedly only to have the zombies answer the phone. She thinks you’re cheating on her due to the mumbling and moaning on the other end of the line. So she leaves you. Man, that day really sucked. But don’t worry, because there is a giant meteor about to hit the earth somewhere near the equator. “