Thursday, May 20, 2010

The Gulf Oil Spill; Ideas of madmen!

 There's your problem right there.
At this point, we all know about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Experts have declared it the worst natural disaster since the Exxon oil spill in Alaska that happened in 1989. So far, 6 million gallons of crude oil have poured into the deep waters of the Gulf. Now, with all that money the experts are tossing around you would think someone could come up with something that would stop it. Nope, not one solution has worked. They are not going to stop there; there have been literally thousands of suggestions. By thousands, I mean a shitload.

Here are a few suggestions people have given BP in order to stay the flow of oil. Some of them are actually decent, while others are just plain batshit insane.

“Hey, let’s shove a big ass cork in it and call it a day!” 

Where as it is a novel idea… It does not make much sense. What happens when you put a cork in a bottle of Pepsi? Is it just going to sit there, happy go lucky? Hell no, that thing will wait five minutes and take out a toddler’s eye. Who came up with that idea anyways? Some wino living in San Francisco? The scary part is that BP is actually considering it, seriously.
 Problem solved.
“Let’s just freeze it, like in that Terminator movie where they froze the bad guy!”

Fuck, seriously? How hard do you think it would be to freeze something underwater? Sure, it’s about five thousand feet underwater, but come on. On company with a product called “Clean Kool” has suggested using the product to freeze the crude oil and then just pick it up later. I might be wrong, but “Clean Kool” sounds like some sort of tobacco product. So maybe BT is teaming up with BP to poison the world one last massive time!
 Let's just call it a day.
“Let’s come up with something called a junk shot!”

“Johnson, that’s genius! Just let me sink this put into my recycled tire putting system.”

Junk-Shot, the act of filling the broken pipeline with shredded tires and golf balls. Don’t get me wrong, it seems like a viable means of plugging crap up. Haven’t environmentalists been complaining for years on end about tires ending up in our oceans? Golf balls too. I mean seriously, who is deciding what we should do with this oil spill. If it were up to me, well it’s not so I’ll just shut up now.
“Why don’t we just throw something on top of it, and then fill that up with something to keep it from making gas!”
That is right. They actually built a 100-ton “dome” to catch everything coming out of the well. I’m not a physics expert or anything, but it seems that all that oil has to go somewhere, and with all the water in there too that might pose a problem. By the way, that dome failed already. So they are going to try a smaller dome and pump ethanol into it. You know, rubbing alcohol. The toxic, flammable, and dangerous chemical? That’s the spirit BP, fill something with something that makes the something that it is full of twice as dangerous. Fucking brilliant!
 That will do the trick.
“At least it is all better than what the Russians told us to do…”
Seriously, I’m not kidding. The Russian government actually told us to “detonate an underwater nuclear warhead directly above the well.” The fuck? Are they just messing with us? Do they just want to have some ammunition (no pun intended) when we actually resort to it? Apparently, not, they have used it on many occasions. So I guess it was just an idea fueled by vodka and rage. Sometimes those ideas work, and sometimes they work the best. Then again, all you have to do is take a look at every monster movie ever to realize it is a horrible idea. Hey, I wouldn’t mind seeing some giant crabs attacking the Gulf Coast oil platforms… Wait, never mind.
 Whoa, just... No.
The bottom line is we need to stop that oil leak. Everything will die! There have been 6 million gallons spewed out of it already. It isn’t slowing down. At 200,000 gallons daily, that is a whole lot of oil. I don’t know about you, but I fucking love seafood. So BP, please get your head out of your ass and get to fucking work. Do your damn job. Seriously. We might as well just throw ninjas at it.

 -Ari Racz

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