Wednesday, October 1, 2008

We Are Doomed. (It's robots, this time)

Honda has a robot called "ASIMO" I'm not sure what it stands for, but I'm sure it's something along the lines of "We're screwed". I'm sure you're most likely heard about it, it's been around for almost a decade now.
Above : The Evolution of Evil.

The current version, shown on the far right, stands an astonishing 4'-3" tall, and weighs 119 KG. I know what you're thinking, that's not that impressive. But c'mon, it's a friggin robot. So what's so special about it, then, you ask? That's what I'm about to tell you, keep your shirt on over there.

This thing is completely autonomous. You know, doesn't need you or any of your human friends to tell it what to do. They gave it prediction technology, to tell it either to step back and let you pass, or stick out its foot and laugh at you as you tumble down that giant flight of stairs in your office. They can carry around trays, I'm assuming full of vile upon vile of highly corrosive materials.

"Oh ASIMO, thanks for the AAAAARRRRGHHH"

They also know when they need to recharge. And here you thought you could hide until the battery wore out, thus avoiding being a human slave in the silicone mines.

Oh, shit. They networked them, can you say SkyNet? Basically, when one needs to charge, or has a craving for some delicious human blood to lubricate all those intricate parts, the others can still cull the heard when the needy one is charging up. Since 05' Honda has been trying to progress these guys and make them smarter. Really? Wow, Now it can count all the severed heads of our fallen brothers! And they are also trying to make them more agile and sturdy. Great, there goes out ability to outrun them, why don't they just give them jet packs or something?

Great, Now I'm just handing them ideas.

So, they can now fly, and run, and predict where you will be so they can "get out of your way" I guess that really means "Destroy you".

Honda isn't going to stop. The robots have continuously improved, Honda says "We will continue to our efforts to further advance intelligence technologies with the goal to develop a robot which can be truly useful in a real world environment where coexisting with people is required" (and I swear I heard someone say "find Sarah Connor" under their breath) And what about the robot apocalypse?! They brought one of these things to Moscow for a car show, and I guess the Russians thought it was a transformer or something, and promptly attacked Georgia, upon entering the country, Russia and "ASIMO Military Command Unit 1", as their leader has come to be known formed an alliance. Ok, so I made that last part up, but don't you see how easy it is to make one of these all evil?


So these guys have been around for a long while, no doubt sent from some evil robot planet to spy on us and learn what our weaknesses are. Guess what? We are pretty weak against Robots. So I'd say we're out of luck. Let's just hope that they don't force us to live underground in tunnels, and have oatmeal for every meal. That would get really old, really fast.
So next time you say "Man, that would be so awesome to have a robot!"
Think twice.

-Ari Racz


  1. If someone is taking a bubble bath and ASIMO happens to slip and fall into the tub, could they get electrocuted?

  2. Well, I'm sure if ASIMO "slipped" and "fell" into the tub, it would be during some blow drying, or moving a toaster around, or something like that.