Monday, October 20, 2008

So I got bored and decided to email L. Ron Hubbard. (Yeah, THAT L. Ron Hubbard...)

I know, he's not alive. I just wanted to poke fun at their institution, if that's what you want to call it. I never expected the outcome. You might want to sit down for this one.

Date: Oct 17, 2008 2:34 PM
Subject: Hello, May I ask a few questions, Mr. Hubbard?

Dear Mr. Hubbard,

I know you died in 1986, and there’s that whole "I’m alive and you aren’t" thing. I am deeply curious about this religion you call “Scientology”. It sounds great! I am partial to earth sciences myself, biology, astronomy, physics, chemistry, which of these does Scientology incorporate? Is Scientology based on the worship of science? Is there a defined Deity, like Einstein or Tesla, for example? I do not want to take up too much of your time, so I will leave you with one last question. What is the basis, the background, and the belief system of Scientology?


Ari Racz

And then He actually responded. (Warning, those of you prone to having a brain crippling aneurism due to confusion, turn your head now.)

Date: Oct 18, 2008 5:48 PM
Subject: RE: Hello, May I ask a few questions, Mr. Hubbard?

Dear Ari,

Thank you so much for writing me! I am actually extremely delighted that you wrote, Xenu just never shuts up about hydrogen bombs and volcanoes! Now, to answer your questions, yes, Scientology is great. It is the study and handling of the spirit in relationship to itself, others, and all of life. Pretty spiffy isn’t it? Scientology encompasses all aspects of life from the point of view of the spirit! I won’t get into too much detail, partly because I want you to understand the basics of it before I dive right in. Mostly, because Xenu charges for “Clicky time” as He calls it.

We base our religion on a few core beliefs, mainly “That which is true for you is what you have observed to be true”. Pretty deep, isn’t it? Also, we believe that people are an immortal spiritual being (the proper term is ‘Thetan’) who possesses a mind and a body. We teach that Psychiatry and Psychology are abusive and destructive practices. I know, some of our members might seem like they need it, but I assure you, that’s just the negative spirits.

We use a technique called “Dianetics”, I am particularly proud of this practice, as I am the one that created it. It works like this, you sit down with someone which we call an "auditor", they basically allow you to hypnotize yourself and direct your spirit on its journey. It’s just a look at your mind, and all the experiences you have ever had as a Thetan.

Our symbol is quite nice as well, it consists of an S, for Scientology, obviously. As well as two triangles, the ARC and the KRC (I’m not sure what those mean, but Xenu was pretty adamant about having them on there). Here’s a picture of it. Pretty, right?

The history and the belief system of our great religion, are really quite simple. Here’s the story, I mean, the true history of our perfect religion, and it makes perfect sense, trust me. 75 million years ago Xenu, the Alien Lord of the Galactic Confederacy, brought billions of people to earth in a spaceship that looks kinda like a Douglas DC-8 airplane, but it was millions of years ago, so that Douglas guy copied him… Anyways, he packed these billions of people around a giant volcano, and dropped a bunch of Hydrogen Bombs into it. I know what you’re thinking “Why would he do that, that’s kinda mean”, right? Well, he did this to free the spirits of those people, causing them to be attached to the people that still have their bodies intact, as they still do to this very day! See, makes perfect sense!

Some of our more advanced members focus primarily on isolating these alien souls and neutralizing their ill effects. Scientology truly is a great religion! We have over 3.1 million members on Earth alone! (So my contacts back on Earth tell me!). Well, I should be going now, Xenu has been wanting to download Season 1 of Hannah Montana. Whoever that is.

Thank you again for writing to me, I seem to have been forgotten after all this time. Oh, by the way, how did you get my email address?

Best regards,

L. Ron Hubbard
Sci-Fi author and founder of The Church Of Scientology

Ok, Wow, this guy is crazy even from beyond the grave. Damn.

-Ari Racz


  1. You can't fool me. That was written by Tom Cruise, as dictated to his personal assistant, Kangrak.

  2. Scifags are a fucking trip. It was funny to watch Anonymous totally fuck them up with Project Chanology