Saturday, December 26, 2009

The most useless USB devices created in the history of the universe, ever

If there is one thing I know, it is that there is no other reason to have a computer besides porn, and reading my blog. So it is no stretch of the imagination that people would inexplicably combine their "hardware" for a more interesting "software" experience. The age of computers has brought the likes of absurdity into the limelight. We've all seen strange computer attachments, like a coffee mug warmer, which actually comes in handy when you have coffee, but the "Humping Dog" usb drive that literally sold-out on is just mind boggling.
Here's a look at some other peripherals, that would completely blind-side the unseasoned “pornnet” (that’s the new name for the interwebs) user.

The "22-7"

It is a 22 inch monitor. No big deal, right? When you need a "little bit of extra" workspace, that's when you attach a 7" monitor to it. Some people think it's a great idea, exactly 2 people in fact. The rest of the world doesn’t really want to have to do office work on a gameboy screen. Sure the price tag is low compared to, well, anything you'd actually think is handy, yet those two people actually believe it is worth it!

Here is an excerpt from one of the reviews on the site I found it on.

"Actually it makes a lot of sense, if you use graphical tools or photo tools they have a lot of toolbars that get in the way of your work, having those toolbars on another screen helps a lot." - Broken Bird

Well, when you put it that way...

The USB powered Ass Cooler

Where would this article be without Japan? The world loves Japan, more so in the way that we just can't look away. 90% of the articles you will read on the entire internet are fueled by Japanese rage, and by rage, I mean horrid perversity. Those crazy Japanese have decided that the only thing better than sitting in your underwear at the computer for 64 hours straight(link to guy dying at computer in internet café), is to do the same with a nice chilled rump. So they have brought to you, the USB powered butt cooler. It is exactly what it sounds like. You plug it in, sit on it (Ayyyy) and let the cooling feeling creep up your cheeks. Perhaps it would be a bit better to just, you know, stand up every now and then.
"Ayyy, my ass is the coolest!"

The Rocket

I can picture it now. You sitting in your little cubicle, swearing to God and anyone else within earshot about that TPS report you have to finish. Why not blow off some steam? Here’s your ticket. The USB powered, computer aimed rocket launcher. No, it doesn’t explode. No, it isn’t impressive. But you can be damned sure to garnish absolutely  no respect from anyone that you shoot it at, if you still have a job after all the “assault” charges that will be filed against you. Just remember to aim for the eyes, it’s the only chance you’ll have at a clean getaway.
Careful there, Saddam!

The USB Necktie

Are you an on-the-go business man? A eccentric philanthropist? A complete loser? Then this is the tie for you! I don’t really have too much to say about it. Other than, why the hell would anyone wear this, I mean, who’s going to be so busy that they don’t have time to actually just pull a USB out of their pocket? Seriously, get a life whomever is wearing this. Yes, you, the one guy in the universe that actually bought this. Douche.
He owns 27 of them.
-Ari Racz

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