Sunday, December 13, 2009

The higgs Boson Particle... Is a jerk.

So we all know what the Higgs Boson particle does, right? Really? You have no clue what any of that means? Where have you been, under a rock? Seriously, everyone knows about that! It is the particle that supposedly gives everything mass. And also, is a jerk. It can travel through time just to make you look like you have no idea what you’re doing, just to point and laugh at you.  Here’s a pie chart I stole from the Cornell physics department to prove to you how much of a jerk this thing is.

Clearly a jerk.

Mr. Boson (aka jerk) has been said to have traveled from the future to stop itself from being discovered. There is still no word if Sarah Connor is safe. It seems like the particle is a terminator designed to terminate itself before it exists. Self aware particles can’t be good for anything at all. Which begs the question, how the hell does a particle go back in time on it’s own accord, and stop itself from being found? No, I do not have an answer to that question, and neither does anyone else.

Cern’s newest LHC mechanic.

 So far the particle has traveled back in time over 80 times, then again that is a conservative estimate. Stopping experiments around the world just so that we won’t know it is there. Even though if it is in fact stopping attempts to find it, doesn’t that prove that it exists? Seems like the whole religion debate… No wonder why they call it the “God Particle”.

Higgs Boson at work.

So why on Earth would scientists want to find such a douche. Well, it would solve many of the issues that scientists have with holes in equations and whatnot. First of all it would allow us to figure out how things obtain the mass that they have, also how jerks react to anything ever. Solving the super symmetry theory would be a great step ahead in physics. The particle could answer many of the riddles that have plagued physicists since Newton got pissed at an apple.
“God I hate apples.”

The best tool for the search for the jerk, is the Large Hadron Collider. It is massive, 26,659 meters, that’s over 16 miles in circumference. The scientists have to cool the giant electromagnets by using over 60 tons of liquid helium, couldn’t they just freeze the Higgs Boson like T-1000? This thing is so powerful, it accelerates particles to 99.99% of light. The only problem is that the LHC will only last around 15 years. So the Higgs Boson wins once more! All it has to do is keep messing with shit from the future…

Yeah, something like that.

It would be greatly exciting to find the particle, and well, might help us understand how to do some things more efficiently. From pretty much anywhere you can look, cars use gas, understanding the mass of things could allow us to unleash a great deal of energy from what we already have. Space travel would most definitely advance a few leaps. Even shoes, Tvs, pretty much anything you could ever imagine would be better. Only if that particle wasn’t such a douche.

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