Saturday, February 13, 2010
Anti-Gravity event reported
Friday, February 12th.
An unexplained geological event has rocked the small, isolated region of New Jersey. Scientists are still baffled as to what could cause the phenomenon. Eyewitnesses from the site said, "It seemed like the ground just threw them up!". Some physicists have stated it could only have been an anti-gravity field. Others have dismissed these claims as "Hogwash", and "Poppycock". The residents within the effected area noticed plates lifting off tables, lamps turning on their side, among many other strange occurrences. During the event, a local store owner witnessed the snow fall literally reverse, and begin to rise up from the streets. One policeman found a discarded Pepsi can on the side of the road, it has yet to be determined as a cause of the incident.
Many theories have been purported, although no exact cause has been established. The leading theory is that an unknown scientist has created and tested an anti-gravity weapon. Although, the claim is unsupported as of this time. More information will be released upon further investigation. The second leading theory is one of magnetic disturbances in the Earth’s magnetosphere. Once again, an unsupported, yet valid claim. A more interesting, yet highly disregarded theory, is the phenomenon is that it was caused by the Russians. This theory has been put forth by a cold war operative, it has not been given high credibility.
Particle Physicist Edward Riley, of Cornell University, spoke at the new conference from the Mayor’s office in Jersey City. He stated “There is no reason to alarm, or to panic the public. We believe this was an isolated incident, with no further repercussions.” He said while gingerly floating about three feet from the podium, and gripping tightly to his toupee. He went on to say “Further ‘aftershocks’ were not to be expected.” He gave no solid information leading to a conclusion to the event, as none have yet been found.
The national weather service offered a simple statement by request of the Governor. “We have no *#^@*ing clue.” To which the National Geological Society added, “Yeah, we’re pretty much shooting blanks in the dark at this one, too.”
Will there ever be a reasonable explanation to these events? After further review of the facts and statements from the scene, I have come up with a simple answer to this question. “No.” So stop worrying about it, and if it does happen again, enjoy it, but try to stay grounded or else you’ll end up with your head in the clouds.