Saturday, February 20, 2010

New medical phenomenon reported

Tuesday February 4th, 2010

In a small town on the outskirts of Gretna, Virginia doctors are at a loss for words. A new post-modem  condition has been named. No, it isn't zombies, although that would be awesome. A man, who has declined to be named, was pronounced dead on arrival at the Gretna Medical Center. His original diagnosis was a sudden and massive coronary heart attack. Doctors further explained the heart attack may have been brought on due to his two and a half pack a day cigarette habit.

This death was nothing out of the ordinary, unexpected, but on par with the average heart attack. The medical phenomenon took place approximately 28 minutes after he was pronounced dead. A nurse came in to begin preparation for transport of the body to the morgue. It was at this time witnesses stated they saw the nurse run out of the room in a panic.

Doctors entered the room immediately after. Finding the patient halfway inside of a hospital body bag in preparation for transport. Puzzled, the doctors questioned the nurse, she told them the patient sat up and asked for a cigarette. At that point she fled the room. The doctors returned  and checked the patients vital signs, which were stable and nearly perfect. The patient promptly sat up and once again asked for a cigarette. The bewildered doctors had to act quickly to come to a unanimous conclusion. This conclusion has lead to one of the most profound physiological conditions to ever arise form the world of substance addiction.

"Reincarnative Addiction Reactivity". Yes, it sounds absurd. As close as the team of experts that have been constantly reviewing the case can tell, it has to do with the addiction center of the brain. The neurotransmitters that have been identified as the addiction center of the brain, had concentrated and amplified what little energy was left in the patient's brain. The remaining brainwaves, which can be detected more than three months after death, have "jump-started" the basic motor functions of the body. Restarting the heart, and breathing actions, essentially bringing the man back from beyond death.

The patient is fine today, the team of specialists are currently subjecting the man to a battery of tests. As of yet the findings have been inconclusive, the team will publish their research in every major scientific journal upon completion of the study. The man is still a heavy smoker, ironically, he contributes his entire new life to his addiction to nicotine. He even credits his life to the Marlboro company. The entire tobacco industry has inquired in regard with making a documentary based on the man's life, and death, and life again. They are still awaiting a response form the man's attorney. I expect the tobacco industry to attempt to use this man's re-life as a way to advocate smoking. We shall see what comes of it.

So kids, remember not to smoke. Unless you want to miraculously come back to life, kinda like Jesus, just without all the crucifixion nonsense.

-Ari Racz 

1 comment:

  1. Wow.. that was a rare feat! Its like one in a billionth chance to happen. Maybe there was something that had happened to that man that experts or doctor's weren't still able to decipher yet as of this moment. Still, it is definitely true that cigarette smoking is still dangerous to one's contest to that. Maybe we can all say that this man was just plain lucky.