Friday, June 18, 2010

Cloning; The most awesome (or boring) thing ever

We’ve all thought about it. How awesome would it be to have an exact replica of yourself? A clone, with every bit of knowledge you have. A doppelganger to keep you company, one that shares the same views about everything.  Would you get along just fine with your clone? Would you try to drink your clone under the table? Would you play horrid jokes on your friend’s minds? Would you skip work, only to actually be at work, without actually being at work? I know I would! How cool would that be?!
 Twice the anime power, with one badge!
As it turns out, it would be really fucking boring. I went to some lab in the Swiss Alps (don’t ask which one, I’m not even sure myself) and spoke with a few scientists and test subjects. I asked a few questions, got more answers than I could even imagine. For the most part the people I spoke to on the test subject end were extremely bitter, and pretty pissed at themselves for being themselves. The scientists seemed to be extremely partial, as they are scientists and were doing the experiments to study the effects of cloning on people. It seems the only effects clones would have on people, is that they piss them off. Seriously.
I asked some questions and I got some pretty surprising answers. The subjects I spoke with told me pretty much the same thing. It was fun at first, really fun. They’d play chess against each other and no one would ever win. They’d jump out from behind a curtain or something when the scientists were doing tests. Walk to the bathroom and then come out from behind a corner. Finish each other’s sentences. Have in depth conversations about everything. And it seems that all got really boring. How much could you surprise yourself? How many books could you talk about if you’ve read them all twice? Part of a good conversation is the debate. Without the debate, you basically are agreeing with the person you’re talking to over and over again. One set of people I spoke with, Adam and Adam, told me about the time they tried to out drink each other. It turns out your clone can drink as much as you can, also, clones of you can fight just the same. So I’m assuming they found all this out the hard way.
The hard way.
Another set of twins I interviewed said it was “Great at first, I could alternate days at work and no one would notice. I could confuse people at stores, by walking into a dressing room and walking up behind them asking to try on the same outfit. Then there was that one time I was at a bar and got completely wasted until they kicked me out, then my clone walked in stone sober and got completely trashed and got kicked out. We played that game for about a week at the same bar, it was awesome.” So I asked about the downsides of it… “Yeah, he always finished my [sentences]” As his clone finished the sentence. “My clone stole my girlfriend. Got her pregnant, and named the baby.” At that point I couldn't help but to rummage around in my back for a shotgun, which I completely forgot to pack. “He also got me fired from work, because he thought it would be a great idea to have ‘pants-less Tuesday’, which needless to say, didn’t go over well with my boss.”

I went and had a conversation with the scientists. They seemed pleased with the overall results, except they got utterly annoyed with it too.” How could you not?” said the lead researcher, “They just play pranks on us all the time. I’m just glad we have the incinera… the patience to deal with them.” The scientists then went on to ask me if I would like to participate. I thought about it for about 17 seconds and decided it would be better not to try it. Then they tried to convince me, coax me into the project with promises of fun and exciting new opportunities. I couldn’t help but look over my notes, thinking if I had spoken to them first, I might have been in the same boat as their subjects. I once again rustled around in my bag for the shotgun, which I’m sure I brought with me. “It must have been one of those damn clones.” I thought to myself. Just before I heard loud bangs come from down the hallway. At that point I changed my plane ticket to the next day. Went to a bar, and tried to forget about everything I had learned. Just then two clones, or twins, I have no idea anymore… Walked into the bar, sat down and started drinking. I screamed and ran. I completely forgot to pay my bill, and now I am no longer allowed into Switzerland.
I'm not missing that much though.


-Ari Racz

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