Saturday, June 12, 2010

Oops! 4 tactics from zombie movies that fail miserably

At one point in every horror movie throughout the existence of  film there is always at least one death that warrants a face palm. Everyone who has ever watched a horror flick has said to themselves at one point or another , “Why the hell would they do that?”, and you’re right. It was an idiotic move. We have all also realized that the horrible decisions people make don’t always get themselves killed, rather some other undeserving member of the party.

I know that there are many different genres of horror flicks, from psychological to all out gore.  So I’m going to go ahead and focus on zombie movies, only because there are just so many of them. There are many reasons that people die in zombie films, mostly zombies, there are a few others as well. Like advancing the plot…

1. The Escape!

So you have a plan. You think you’ve covered all angles. But have you, really? Sure, you have the escape route, you have the vehicles tricked out into road fortresses. Did you really think it all the way through? You have holes for guns, check. Full propane tanks on board just in case you’re in a jam, check. Please note: Propane is highly explosive. You may not have had much of a choice bringing everything you did, just try to look at what could possible go wrong.


That whole “slot for chainsaws at knee level” thing, not the best idea. Of course it looks good on paper and works well for the most part. But what happens when you only have four feet to move around in with a running chainsaw? Remember there are thousands of abandoned vehicles strewn about in a horrible game of park the car. More importantly, what would happen if say, you got into an accident with a running chainsaw with only four feet to move and a bunch of people right next to you? This:

"Oops. I’ll take the bus next time, thanks."

How could you do it better?

Well, if you’re going to use a chainsaw in a tight space, make sure it is safer than it is. Try building a little cage for the chainsaw so it stays in place. That way, you know what doesn’t happen. Or just don’t use a chainsaw?

2. Studying the zombie

How could this possibly be a bad idea? You’re being a researcher! Learning the strengths and weaknesses of your enemy. An enemy that wants nothing more than to eat you. They can’t feel pain like we do, they don’t take strategic action, they don’t even really think things through. How could it ever outsmart you? That is their biggest strength. They don’t have to think things through. All they have to do is get to you.


Sure, you want to know what makes the zombies tick, how long it takes them to die or whatever. Keeping a zombie around is just asking for trouble. Once again, it looks good on the books. Maybe you’ll learn a thing or two about them. In reality, you’re just keeping a pet, an extremely violent ugly pet. It’s more like the neighbor’s beagle that hates you for pissing on the fence that one time. What happens when the little chain breaks? After all they don’t feel the pain of straining muscles like a regular person. Here’s a bit of an example.

Oh, what a douche. Do not train zombies how to operate anything, ever.

How could you do it better?

Isn’t it obvious? Kill all the zombies. Every one of them.

3. Hiding in that old house

I know what you’re thinking, “Hey, let’s go hide in that house over there!” Sounds like a great plan, everyone needs a place to hide form flesh hungry zombies! Make sure you board up the windows and doors. Turn off the lights, or leave them on, I’m not sure if it even matters. Get to know the house, make an escape plan if you need to. Raid the house for guns and weapons, food and water, porn. Check to see if the phone works. Hey, it looks like you’re well on the way to getting out of a jam!


Yeah, that great plan isn’t looking so good when you have thousands of zombies trick-or-treating on your doorstep. They aren’t taking no for an answer, and they aren’t going to egg your house. They are going eat your face. Sure you boarded up the windows and doors… From the inside. If there is one thing I know, it is how to break down a door from the outside. So do zombies! It would have been a better idea to put the barricades on the outside of the doors and windows, that way the zombies have to push against the boarding pushing against the house. If you push hard enough on a nail it’ll just pop out!

“Crap, they figured out how to push.”

How could you do it better?

I don’t know, but it sure as hell wouldn’t be that.

4. Checking to see if the zombie is dead

It makes sense, make sure you actually killed him. So sneak up real slow, maybe kick him once or twice. Awesome, he isn’t moving after repeated blows to the head from your trusty crowbar! Good work, guy! We agree, it is a smart move to make sure you actually killed it. It is the safe way to go, just so you don’t get surprised later on! Congrats!


Wait, you just beat his head in a little bit with a crowbar. That would definitely put anyone down for a long time. If they were human. If you have ever watched a zombie movie you know you have to utterly destroy the brain. Simply cracking the skull a few times doesn’t really do the trick. Maybe I should be saying congratulations, because you just figured out how to knock a zombie out. Why did you even stop hitting him in the head? Why does he even have a head left? Shouldn’t it be a puddle of goo by now?

"Great, we just brought her back to life."

How could you do it better?

Make sure the zombie is dead. By “make sure” I mean “make sure there isn’t a distinguishable part of a skull within 5 feet of it.”

-Ari Racz

(Thanks Jessee)


  1. I love it! You're an awesome writer, Lion. :) One typo though: "Maybe I should be saying congratulations, because you just figured out how to know a zombie out. " I think you meant "knock" and not "know". Sorry to be a party pooper, I just thought you might want to know. It is great though. I'm glad I finally got around to reading it, I just always procrastinate against things because I'm such a lazy bastard.

  2. Omg. My name is recognized on a famous blog. I feel awesome. :)