Saturday, November 1, 2008

The most disgusting jobs, ever

Sewer Diver

Swimming in sewers. Yeah, fucking swimming in a nasty sewer. But someone has to do it right? So you're bobbing around in a nice thick pool of everything that comes out of a human body, and sometimes, a human body itself. There's bacteria, poo, some dead things floating around, most likely some kind of toxic waste. Oh, did I mention it smells like a rotting corpse taking a dump in a toxic waste depository? Yeah, that's nasty, and those guys do that, every day.

Would you swim in that just to remove the neighbor's cat from the drainpipe? Yeah, doubtful.

Crime Scene Cleaner

Basically, these guys clean up after murders and suicides. Have you ever heard the expression "I would hate to be the guy that has to clean that up." These are the guys. And they are tough as nails, that clean stuff. I knew a guy that did this for a living once, he was crazy, and enjoyed it. Now I'm not saying he's a messed up guy, but that's pretty gross. In order for you to actually get it clean, you'd have to pick up pieces of bone, tissue, blood, whatever the guy left for you to "clean up". If you flinch at any of the horror movies involving blood, this is not for you, as a warning, I respectfully ask you, forget about being a crime scene cleaner. Post traumatic stress disorder, and many other mental impairments can arise from doing this kind of work. It's dangerous too, so they have to wear Hazmat suits and gear, you know, all the infectious diseases, meth, and what have you.

Depending on the crime, (or punishment) the cleanup can take an hour or two, to a few days. They charge by the hour though, so it's alright, and they easily scale the $75,000 mark. Point me to the room of gore, please.

Organic Coffee-Farmer 

Yeah I know "How the hell is farming coffee dirty, also, we fucking love coffee."

So these coffee-farmers, as we'll call them, use something along the lines of compost. It's kelp, donkey crap, and a bunch of other stuff you really don't want to touch. Sure they can use a shovel, but they like it dirty, and use their hands. Now, you see, this stuff smells so bad it literally has stink lines coming off it, literally.  So they just build sandcastles out of shit, then maybe have a poo ball fight, and grow some coffee, yes, Starbucks coffee is organic. So, how about that latte?

Hospital Cleanup Crew  

When you go to the E.R. it's all nice and clean, and nothing like that show about the E.R. (you know the one. Hospitals are supposed to be clean and sterile, so sterilized that you can practically eat off the floor. I really urge against eating off any floor, my lawyers told me I had to say that.)  Open up one of those garbage cans. Inside those bags are hypodermic needles, brain matter, blood, contaminated feces, pus-soaked cotton balls, amputated limbs (yes, they just throw those out) and a good deal of tissue and fat from the plastic surgery department. These guy's job is to clean all that up, and put it away where nobody can see them.

Aside from the fact it's fucking horridly disgusting, you're dealing with germs, not "the cold", I'm talking Ebola, AIDS, Herpes, and of course, the clap. The reason people went to the hospital in the first place is to not die from whatever they have. While most clean up crews can more or less assume that the yellow mush is left over mashed potatoes, what they're
actually looking at it s a blob of lipids from a liposuction.

Worm taster 

Yeah, "What the fuck?!" is right.

There are a number of Worm Breeders, they sell worms to the fishing tackle shops who then sell them to
people who go fishing. Worms come in a number of breeds, some are more attractive to fish than others – breeders
are always searching for the perfect worm, one that the fish can’t resist. Yet, that begs the question "Why can't we just give these fish a worm and see if they freak out over it?" That’s where these unlucky bastards come in, they spend each and every day sniffing, feeling and, of course, eating raw worms in an effort to find those new breeds that the fish will like.  Because there are people that know what fish like, assuming you're Aquaman, this is pretty much the only thing you could actually do as a living. On top of that the pay is minimum wages, and you're Aquaman.

"So, how was work today?"

"Pretty shitty."

"It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it."

-Ari Racz

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