Tuesday, November 11, 2008

That was a War?!

Throughout human history, we as a race have become skilled in many different abilities. Perhaps the one we excel the most, would have to be all out war. So after a spirited game of Risk in the Cracked staff room (all in all it lasted one hour and twenty eight minutes, a flipped board, and dozens of little plastic wartime heros strewn across the floor, and one really pissed off intern) We decided to research the most laughable excuses for war that have ever happened. So short, one sided, and flat out idiotic, they aren't even in any textbooks. Sure, you may have heard of The Bay Of Pigs, a little conflict we have come to know as "Vietnam", and then there's Operation Desert Storm, which was more like "Operation practice kicking ass for a few years in Iraq" (which isn't going as well as we planned).

So here they are, for you to ponder, laugh at, and just think long and hard about the question, "Why the fuck did they even bother?"

The Falklands War
How long did it last? 42 days.
Who was fighting? Argentina vs. The British Empire
Who won? The British Empire
So why were they fighting?

Argentina got tired of the British occupying their land, and invaded South Georgia on March 19th, 1982. The names and the ownership of the territories had been much disputed beforehand, we're going to go out on a limb and say that "The South Sandwich Islands" was the main on that ticked them off here.

So Argentina invaded and moved onto the Falkland islands, and then the British Royal Air Force stepped up, assuming Argentina had no clue what they were getting themselves into, there was a big fight. All in all, Argentina surrendered on July 14th. Of course, neither country claimed that it was an actual war, this was the point in time where the British Empire was very polite and dignified, and didn't want to rub it in any further, and Argentine was most likely too ashamed that they tried to pull a stunt like that.

Outcome? The British Empire took everything back, and kept all the stuff the Argentinians ran away from.

The Polish-Lithuanian War
How long did it last? A whole 37 days.
Who was fighting? Pretty obvious - Poland vs. Lithuania
Who won? Believe it or not, Poland
Why did they fight?

The war started not long after these two pseudo-superpowers gained their independence. It all began over the disputed cities of Vilhius, Suwalki, and Augustow. Poland claimed they had won, and with their fingers crossed, signed an agreement to stop hostilities. They promptly sent Lithuania a message along the lines of, "Hey, Lithuania, it's Poland... Fuck you." Poland then setup the puppet state of "The Republic of Central Lithuania", in a blatant attempt to confuse the Lithuanians. It was centered around the historic capitol of Lithuania, "Grand Duchy", we swear we didn't make that up. The muppet state was short lived, gained no international recognition, due to the fact that everyone isn't completely idiotic and all. Both Poland and Lithuania claimed the area to be their own, yet it was annexed to Poland after Poland's general elections. Lithuania was pissed, here at Cracked, we'd like to think the elections went something like this:

"Hey, Poland."
"Yeah, Poland?"
"What's up with that Second Republic of Lithuania?"
"Why don't we just call it Poland"
"Sweet, Poland. Sweet."
The elections were not officially recognized by Lithuania... No, shit?

The Second Balkan War
How long did it last? 32 days.
Who was fighting? Bulgaria vs. Greece, Serbia, Montenegro, Romania, and The entire fucking Ottoman Empire
Who won? Everyone, except Bulgaria
So why did they try in the first place?

It all started in 1913, Bulgaria in one corner, with most of the world in the other. When the bell rang Romania and the Ottoman Empire had stuffed a few anvils into the gloves that we have come to know as "Greece" and "Serbia". The whole conflict made Serbia a pretty badass fighter, like one of those UFC guys with no teeth, and scared the shit out of Austro-Hungary, which also helped kick off WWII. Way to go, Bulgaria. (WWII was much, much longer.) Romania invaded Bulgaria on June 27th, and again on July 10th. Romania took control over the undefended Southern Dobruja, and promptly hauled ass through to Northern Bulgaria, making a few stops on the way to Sofia. At this point, the Ottoman Empire snuck up and claimed some of Bulgaria's former possessions. Bulgaria pissed itself on July 23rd, and ran away from Andrianople, without firing a single damned shot. Much of the territory that wa won to Bulgarian in the first Balkan war, was lost again, and 10 months later, WWII started up. The Second Balkan War was just practice.?

The Greco-Turkish War
How long did it last? 30 days.
Who was fighting? Greece vs. The Ottoman Empire
Who won? The Ottoman Empire
Why were they fighting?

It was Greece, all the way. Greece was "concerned" about their citizens living in Crete, as they were still playing by the Ottoman's rules there. the War took place in 1897, on January 21st the Greeks, feeling all cocky, and we're assuming greasy and sexy, landed on Crete. It only took a few weeks for the Ottoman Empire to stomp the living hell out of the Greek invaders. Look at the size difference, that's like Hawaii rebelling in an attempt to secede from the rest of the U.S. The Greek action really pissed off most of Europe, who gave the Ottoman Empire the green light to dominate the Greeks. It was mostly the whole goat cheese thing, but partly because they invaded, or whatever. In the end of it all, Greece had lost every inch of land they gained, and had to pay a fuckload of fines to the Ottoman Empire. The moral? Do not fuck with the Ottoman Empire.

The Sino-Vietnamese War
How long did it last? 27 Days.
Who was fighting? China vs. Vietnam
Who won? They both said they won(Is it us, or is Vietnam a sore loser?)
Why were they fighting?

Vietnam had its eye on that sexy, sexy track of land called Cambodia, so they decided to take that junk. They invaded, occupied it, and promptly mooned China. This really, really pissed China off. On February 15, 1979 The People's Republic of China decided to throw on some gloves and go toe-to-toe with Vietnam. So what happened then, you ask? China marched right up in there, and marched right back out after marching all over Vietnamese soldiers. Then they enacted a scorched earth policy, and burned or bombed anything and everything that might have been of any kind of use to the Vietnamese. Oh, then they left Pol Pot in charge of Cambodia. Real fucking nice, Vietnam.

The Georgian-Armenian War
How long did it last? 24 days.
Who was fighting? Georgia vs. Armenia
Who won? Neither, they just had better shit to do.
So why were they fighting?

Both countries wanted the same territories. Seeing a pattern here? The areas they were fighting over had traditionally been bicultural, so they swing both ways, but don't like to share. It was mostly full of Armenians in the early 19th century, and Georgia wasn't havin' that. After WWI some of the territories were controlled by the Ottoman Empire, and when they got bored of them the real fighting started. On December 7th, 1918 Georgia and Armenia went from name calling and leaving bags of flaming poo on each other's front porch, to what we're assuming was the equivalent to a modern day slap fight. It went back and forth for a week or two at a time, then the British Empire (yeah, those guys again) being the nosey, er, "civil minded" nation that they were, stepped in. Then even the British Empire got bored, so they made both sides sign a cease-fire on December 31st. While Britian had a nice firm hold on their ears, they forced them to form the Georgian-Armenian Joint Administration. G.A.J.A. Really? Rolls right off the tongue, right? That administration lasted until 1920, when Russia bought a timeshare somewhere in Armenia, everyone else sort of backed away very slowly.

The Serbo-Bulgarian War
How long did it last? 14 Days.
Who was fighting? The Kingdom of Serbia vs. The Kingdom of Bulgaria
Who won? Bulgaria
So why were they fighting?

They just didn't like each other that much. On November 14th, 1885 Serbia and Bulgaria went at it like a pack of rabid wolves in heat. As a result of the war, the European powers that be recognized the Act of Unification of Bulgaria, which happened on September 6th, 1885. On November 28th, the Viennese ambassador in Belgrade, Count Kevenhueller-Metsch (yeah, we stopped trying to pronounce that a long time ago) visited the headquarters of the Bulgarian Army, and demanded the ceasing of all military action. How did he accomplish such a brass balls move? Easy, he had the entire Austro-Hungarian army standing behind him. The war however, did make everyone piss their pants if anyone mentioned fighting Bulgaria. So that's a good thing, We guess.

The Indo-Pakistani War
How long did it last? 13 Days.
Who was fighting? India vs. Pakistan
Who won? Uh, Bangladesh.... So, India?
Why were they fighting?

It all started out as a major dispute between the East Pakistanis and the West pakistanis. The Eastern Pakistani's had the majority of people, where as the Western Pakistani's must have had some wonder-twin rings, or some shit, so they were more powerful. The war started after the 1970 Pakistani election, it was because the voted to not have Bangladesh Liberated. For some reason, which our 21st century war-mongering selves cannot even fully comprehend, India got ticked off too, and aided in the fighting. The war started on December 16th, 1971, and raged until the 16th (we're assuming they played a hardcore game of monopoly or some shit during that time)

The 6 Day War
How long did it last? ... 6 fucking days, obviously.
Who was fighting? Israel vs. Egypt, Syria, Jordan, and Iraq
Who won? Israel... No shit? Really? Nice.
Why were they fighting?

It's Israel, they don't even need a fucking reason. It all started when Israel talked some shit to Syria, then Egypt got all pissy about it. So Egypt went ahead and amassed 1,000 tanks and 100,000 troops on the border of the Sinai Peninsula, not that we know where that is, or care to. Egypt went ahead and closed the waterways to anything that was flying the Israeli flag. Naturally this pissed off Israel, who concurrently place a jihad on anyone who got in their way. On June 5, 1967 Israel proceeded to deliver the largest bitch slap in the history of mankind. And in only 6 days they increased their total land by nearly three times, and gained more then a million citizens. Of course, these citizens were just pissed off arabs, but they still kinda count... They didn't even bother with "Negotiations" they just wanted to take that shit.

And that brings us to
The Anglo-Zanzibar War
Now, I bet you're thinking to yourself "How short does a war have to be to make it to number fucking one?"
less than 45 minutes, to be exact.
Who was fighting? Zanzibar vs. The British Empire
Who won? Not Zanzibar
Why were they fighting?

It wasn't so much a fight, as a complete destruction of morality, more like you beating a one eye llama in a game of pong. In 1896 the current sultan of Zanzibar, which whom the British were pleased to do business with, died. His successor? His nephew, Khalid Bin Bargash. The British Empire was not pleased. This new sultan loved slaves! Couldn't get enough of them! The British Empire was attempting to stop slave trade in the area. So what happened next? In the morning of August 27th, 1896, the British Empire issued an ultimatum to the sultan "Get the fuck out, or we will make you." The sultan wasn't having it, and replied with a highly formal "Suck my balls, Britain." And then fortified a palace. The British Empire shrugged, and set up shop in the bay right in front of the palace. Then the sultan backed off, but it was too late. And The British Empire started to shell the palace, for about 45 minutes. At this point, the sultan shat himself a few times, and ran away. Then in a balls out awesome move, the British Empire charged Zanzibar for every shot they fired. Oh, The British empire also landed some troops on the shore, just to play volleyball though.

-Ari Racz

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