Monday, November 23, 2009

Time for a history lesson!

Sure, We've all been there, get drunk at a party, wake up with a sharpe cock on your face. Not a new story, hell, it's all on video tape soon to debut on the front page of youtube. What about the movies you slept through in high school? Right, there was an army in Sparta, there was a Persian war machine, Hitler was a fucking robot.
Holy Fuhrer!

What about the true stories that were so amazingly engorged by hollywood, those who never knew it existed that believed it to be true?

Yes, Sparta was a great asset, to the Greeks. It was never an independent state. The movie makes it seem like they were all bred from a combination of Thor and Wonder-Woman. The reality is that there was never a second guess that they had to fight off the Persians. They had to allow Greece to be "free".  Sparta was basically a training camp for the best of the Greek soldiers, not a country that only bred soldiers. The fact that there were only 300 spartans, but as many as 7,000 other soldiers from neighboring states has nothing to do with it though, right?

They're back there, somewhere

The second reality is that the Persians didn't threaten Sparta at all, Sparta didn't really give a fuck, being the soldiers they were, they did what they were told. The majority of the battle may have been fought with sword and shield, but the real war was won on the sea. By blocking the Straight of Artemisium, led by no more than 200 Greek ships, against three times as many Persian ships. Without the help of the Greek fleet, the Persians would have surrounded the Spartan and Athenian soldiers, dooming them to be Persian belly dancers for all of eternity (or until they just gave up from pure exhaustion)

I will not "Get down tonight"!

The Excorcism of Emily Rose
We all know the story, girl goes nuts, her super religious parents think it's "Da Debil" and proceed to have a priest come and "cleanse her soul". How many times has that worked? Who the hell cares, but they gave us the impression that it should have. Emily Rose was diagnosed years after the court said she had a "problem", that problem? Schizophrenia. In 1968 when Emily was just 17 she began to suffer from convulsions, the courts findings had pinpointed her first epileptic attack at age 18 in 1968. She was diagnosed with having Grand Mal Epilepsy, so what caused people to believe the was possessed?
Oh Emily, you and your "episodes"!

Well, the "unofficial" diagnosis was made by an "older woman" while Emily was on a pilgrimage, while refusing to drink from a holy spring.
That is totally fucking holy, what do you know?!

Avoiding a certain posed statue of Jesus.
For Christ's sake!

The woman then claimed that Emily smelled "Hellishly Bad", because who hasn't blamed that one on someone else? A few people were convicted of murder due to negligence, because we all know giving a "demon" food or water makes them ten times stronger! All in all, the end is basically clear, the beginning, not so much.

10,000 B.C.
Sure, cavemen existed, and woolly mammoths, and saber-toothed tigers... We can still see the pyramids, but all at once? In the movie, they depicted cavemen as being sort of suave and clean cut, you try shaving with a rock, won't get you too far. The writers of the movie decided that using wooly mammoths to build giant pyramids in the desert would be the best way to go, considering wooly mammoths love blazing sun and no water to speak of.

Perfect, that's a wrap!

Intermingling a lot of different cool ass shit from way back when is pretty captivating and all, but it teaches you about as much as the Flintstones would. That mammoth should be vacuuming right about now, and where are all the rock based puns? Overall the Egyptians weren't building anything like a pyramid until about 2,500 B.C., yet they somehow enslaved countless cavemen and started building over 7 thousand years before they could write any of this down. Feels more like the Far Side than an actual movie, maybe they should script that? Who wouldn't like to watch a chicken and a cow talk about what's the best cut of a farmer?

Shown: A more accurate depiction of prehistoric families

I'll stick to the History channel for my factual information, thank you very much. No wonder why education in America is always questioned! 

-Ari Racz

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