Friday, November 20, 2009

It's about time to take a vacation!

Thinking that I could use a break from reality (mine, at least). I spoke to a travel agent, she seemed to be pretty knowledgeable and cheap, too. It's just that, the places she suggested weren't really that appealing to me after I thought about them for a while. She was sort of pushy, and sort of creepy at the same time. Here's a few of the places that were suggested, and the reasons why I didn't want to go.

Romania- Vlad Dracul's castle
In order to get to the actual castle, you have to drive for hours. Then you have to walk up 1,480 fucking steps.
This, times ten. Seriously?

You want me to walk that? I barely walk to the corner store, and you want me to walk half a mile uphill? That's all well and good, even if they had an escalator I wouldn't go. the spirits of the thousands of people that were put to death there are still said to roam the ruins. That's a big no. The fact is, the place is just plain creepy.


His bedroom was purposely built directly above the torture chamber. Why? So he could hear the screams of agony coming from the dungeon as he slept. Leaping down those steps ten at a time might be the only enjoyable thing about the whole experience. Also, fuck Romania.

African Safari -
Pretty animals and animals eating other animals. The downside is Hippos, Crocs, Cheetas, Lions, Elephants, Snakes, Spiders....
Instant death.

Just about anything with legs, and everything that doesn't have any. No one really counts on them being the most dangerous animal in Africa.  Pretty much anything with eyes, and hey, even some plants want to kill you. Yes, they want to kill you.
Plotting against mankind.

Over half a million people visit African countries every year on Safari. For every one person that goes on vacation there, three tourists die. That is a fact. Don't worry about the cannibals, oh wait, maybe you should!

Peru- Machu Picchu
7,710 ft above sea level, and you have to walk, with no guards in place. So when you tumble down the side of a mountain, you're not going to be thinking "Wow, this is a fucking awesome way to get down from that giant mountain!"
Peruvian elevator.

What's really going through your head  is more like the longest and most vile string of profanity that has ever occurred, anywhere. And you might get kidnapped, or shot by militants, or eaten by something, or robbed at a stoplight. There are border conflicts daily, cocaine and other drug runners. A third of the world's kidnappings actually happen in Columbia, sounds fun right? Until you have your life in the hands of Russel Crowe. That's never fun. Then there is the Peruvian Fat Cartel. That's right, they kill people for their fat!

Australia- The Great Barrier Reef
dangah dangah dangah! Great white sharks, blue ring squid are fucking seriously poisonous, then there is the box jellyfish, like the size of a grape, and will fucking kill you. Don't forget about the stingrays, the hitman of the wild. The most deadly animals in the world live there. And if they don't get you. kangaroos will.
"Just as soon as I'm done with this beer... You, me, outside."

- Ankor Wat
Pol Pot, landmines, mean rebels with rocket launchers, and monkies. That about sums it up.

I think I'll stay at home, thanks.
-Ari Racz

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