Santa is really a zombie (Seriously)

Actually, Saint Nick isn’t a fat guy at all. Also, he never gave out presents, unless you count the massive dowry he put up so a few chicks didn’t have to be prostitutes. Wait, what? It’s true! He gave three impoverished daughters of a pious Christian enough cash so they wouldn’t have to whore it out all over the place. Now that's the spirit!

Santa at his best.

Santa doesn’t live in the North Pole, not year-round at least. Among his many homes, the zip codes include H0H0 H0, and 99705, from Canada and Alaska, respectively. He is also said to live in Finland, Denmark, Greenland, Norway, Sweden, and Jersey Gardens (The shopping mall). Basically, Santa is an international playboy. I would have to assume his wife isn’t old and ugly, but rather a former Bond girl that dresses up like an elf every now and then.

Because he lives in Canada, you’d probably not want to get your hopes up too high, just expect a sweater and some reindeer socks. The Canadian Minister of Immigration actually proclaimed Santa a full-fledged citizen of Canada, so that’s one thing they have on everyone else.

And whatever the hell this is all about.

Santa does have a magical workshop in the North Pole, it’s magic, and yes it’s there. He owns many sweatshops across the globe, where he “employs” magical elves…

"Magical" "Workshop"

After they have worked themselves into malnutrition and bloody fingers, he feeds them to his reindeer. How else do you think they fly? Duh. Oh, and those reindeer socks you’re getting, also dyed with elf blood. Just saying.

Bloodthurst.

Kids have been writing letters to Santa for like, ever. They get answered by volunteers from the post office. More than 13,000 a year since 1982, actually. That just leaves one question in the minds of the youth of today. “Daddy, why does my letter from Santa smell like the study on poker night?”

The truth about Santa, is that his modern image was created by a few poets and story tellers over the past few centuries. It seems that companies can sell an image that looks like this:

Compared to this:

"I present you, children. Don't ask."

Yeah, that’s what he would have really looked like, not too interesting, right? Much better as a fat guy that breaks into your house and steals your milk and cookies every year. It’s only natural that a few people would want to make the whole story and enigma of Santa just that much less tangible to the imagination. Because in reality, he wasn’t that great, in fact, he was just really, really religious. “Saint Nicholas of Myra was just a Greek Christian Bishop, and he was typically portrayed wearing your basic monkish robe and gear". (Think the friar from Robin Hood)

Santa is actually very dead. Originally his remains were laid to rest in Turkey. Turkey also claims the title of “Final resting place of the Virgin Mary”, suck on that every other country, ever. Even though he’s a bag of bones now, he still likes to travel. He made it all the way to Italy (with help, of course). He still manages to get up and around the world once a year. Because he’s a zombie. Zombie fucking Santa. How awesome would that movie be?! Next time you’re leaving out milk and cookies, think twice. If you were a zombie, wouldn’t you really want some brains and elf blood? Maybe if you do that, he’ll give you a little something extra under the tree next year!

Makes perfect sense.

So Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you have a great time with your friends and families! And remember, keep the fire lit, zombies hate fire.

-Ari Racz