Monday, January 25, 2010

Unicorns: Narwhals landlocked cousin!

Unicorns aren’t just magical creatures that fart rainbows and puke up bunnies. No, they are a mystical animal rooted deeply in mythology of almost every culture. Besides America, who thinks they can walk on clouds and make peoples teeth fall out from smiling so much! The real story is much more interesting, in fact, it’s down right magical!
Also, unicorns are Jesus.

The first appearance of a Unicorn, was in medieval times. There are references to them in everything from the bible to my little pony. They must be real if the bible says so! In the Bible they represented strength and dignity. Usually as a one horned animal… So the translation because Unicorn… Somehow. They are typically represented by a bull, or another horned animal depicted standing in such a way where you can only see one of the horns.  There are no references to unicorns in Greek mythology… They are in natural history… that’s right, the Greeks thought they actually existed. Oh, they found them in India, because why the hell not, right?
Yeah, she's a virgin.

For centuries cultures have been mistaking animals for Unicorns. That’s right, people actually thought there were like a million different kinds of them. Like the Rhinos in Africa, Narwhals in the water, single-horned goats, and pretty much anything else that was hanging around the opium den.

Unicorns were thought to have the power to neutralize poisons… So people would spend ridiculous amounts of money on goblets made out of “Unicorn Horns”. Sort of like an infomercial nowadays. Another handy thing the Unicorns could do in the dark ages, was to be able to tell if a woman was a virgin or not. It has been said that only virgins can ride them… Sort of suggestive don’t you think?

People used to hunt Unicorns. Seriously, hunt Unicorns. It was a pretty tricky hunt too, you couldn’t just go and blow a hole the size of a basketball in them. You had to lure them in, with a virgin. Once again, suggestions much? Man, those ol school people were really, really against women! Now before you go all PETA on my ass, remember, these are only based on mythology… And a lot of drugs.
Unicorns are tough bastards.

There have been bones found that seem to be something like a Unicorn.. Or maybe it was just a prehistoric Rhino? Who the hell knows, certainly not anyone that has any kind of nonsense beliefs… Like Unicorns. Besides, it was proven that if Unicorns had cloven hooves (as they were said to have) then they must have had cloven skulls. Whatever the fuck that means. And something with a cloven skull can’t grow a single horn. Well that makes perfect sense. PERFECT SENSE.

So next time you want to go find a Unicorn, go to India, find a virgin…. And then pray. Because face it, you aren’t going to have much luck unless you have radical ideas about the way the world works. Oh, and better wear some protective gear. Those horns are really fucking stabby.

Awwww, isn't it just sooo, OW MY EYE!

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