Throughout the years there have been many reasons to drink. Beer Pong, Frat Parties, that one girl that didn't look so good ten minutes ago... Nowadays even doctors are telling people it might not be a bad idea to have a few drinks, hence the reason Bruce Campbell is the fine specimen of a man he is today. And also why so many people in AA are well, the way they are.
Your new personal trainer.
Here's a few doctors that go right ahead and tell you to finish your drink, you panzy.
Alzheimer's?
So you don't want to be a drooling, mumbling, shell of a human at age 65, good for you. Here's a little something that might help you out, booze! That's right, in 2002 a study was conducted over a 6 year period, it included 5,000 people over the age of 55. In the beginning of the study none of the participants had any signs of Alzheimer's, when it ended 197 of them were forgetting to put on pants before leaving the house. You might think that's not so incredible, but look at the facts! 5.3 million people in America have Alzheimer's. Go ahead, look out the window. Do you see that guy to the left? Everyone but him has Alzheimer's. Don't worry though, in just over a minute he'll forget where he lives.
Are these my teeth?
So how does alcohol help?
Out of all 5,000 people that were fine, the ones that had 1 to 3 drinks a day, ended up being 42% more fine in the end. Even people that had 1 to 3 drinks a week ended up being 25% less likely to develop some kind of dementia. Bottoms up, before you forget to pour that next one!
He's totally going to remember that. Unfortunately, so will all of us.
A beer a day...
It's true, fuck apples, beer is where it's at! Everyone knows the key to good health is to be happy (Just look at Bill Clinton). But when it comes to being happy, what is better than beer? Hypertension is a condition that effects most of the people in America, even hardened journalists, sometimes. Dr. Norman D. Kaplan stated "The benefits of drinking moderate amounts of alcohol is well beyond contention." We couldn't agree more, Doc!
"According to my machine, you died three months ago."
So how does beer do the trick?
In a study done by Dr. Kaplan, now known as "God Among Men", documents the plight of over 70,000 female nurses. That's right, women love beer too, suck on that fratty boy! In the study he found that the nurses that indulged in a few beers here or there had far less stress levels than those who pounded some vodka after a shift of blood soaked sheets, proving without a doubt that beer is king!
Damn straight.
DIABETES!
Yeah, one of the most costly ailments in America. Booze helps. Medical researchers looked into 15 studies and found that if you drink moderately, you have a significantly less risk to develop type 2 diabetes. So, make sure you have a glass of wine with that cake, fatty! People that drank up to four drinks a day were 30% less likely to get it.
Above: Heavy drinker
So how does it help?
First of all, if you do have diabetes, you're not out of luck. Alcohol has shown to improve the effects of insulin in a "healthy" diabetic. Meaning, you too can drink your woes away, or just sit in that recliner with a sixer and a pack of cheese-puffs. It has also shown to improve fatty acid levels, which obviously are important, and stuff. The sauce also improved HDL cholesterol. That's the stuff you want, not that damn bad cholesterol. (You know, Big Macs)
The helmet should help, right?
So there you have it. Drinking good. So, have another round on me! While you're chugging that last little bit, remember, you're doing yourself a favor!
-Ari Racz
cheers to that! -p
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