Man is attacked by a bear, and wolves.

Wolf attacks don't happen very often, in fact, in the last 50 years only 17 fatalities have been reported worldwide, when they do it is usually a wolf that has seen one too many people. Bear attacks don't happen very often, either, you‘re 12 times more likely to die from a bee sting. This is the story of one unfortunate man, who had to face both at once. However unlikely the odds are, the truth about it is much more unusual.

It was early in the evening one late winter day. Darnell Watson was hiking along some previously unexplored trails in near the Methow River in northern Washington. All of a sudden he was surprised by a bear as he rested on a log eating some beef jerky. During this encounter, he just stopped and stared at the monstrous grizzly bear. The bear gazed straight back at him, seemingly eyeing his soul. As the man started to slowly back away, he heard a low growl coming from behind him, and then a second. He thought he was trapped in the middle of a family of bears, right in between a mother and her cubs. His horrible situation may have just gotten worse.

As he slowly turned around, he noticed three wolves on an embankment a few feet in front of him. He swallowed hard, turned to the bear and gazed right into it's eyes with a solid resolve saved only for the most hardened men, and Janet Reno. The first thing that went through his head, was which one would be faster, which one would end his suffering first. Then he thought, "No." He stared the bear square in the eyes, as fiercely as possible. That's when he noticed the bear, looking just as fiercely at him, almost gazing straight through him. That's when he knew, it was him and the bear, in it for the long haul.

He turned his back to the bear and slowly began to back towards it. Standing side by side, they prepared for the most difficult fight of their lives. By this time, five more wolves appeared through the brush. Darnell swallowed hard, trying to process what was undoubtedly about to happen. He and the bear gave each other a knowing look. The bear lunged and swung one of its massive paws, taking out the three wolves on the embankment. Another wolf clamped onto the bear's shoulder and help on tight. That's when Darnell made a leaping roll, picking up a large hefty log, and smashed the attacking wolf in the head. The wolf fell with a whimper, and he continued to pound at the wolf's skull with all the rage he has ever known. The bear went after another wolf, taking it into his strong jaws and instantly snapping it's spine.

Darnell swung the log wildly, hitting two of the remaining wolves, keeping them at bay. The bear tore into one of the wolves, ripping it apart almost instantly. That is when one of the remaining wolves let out a howl that would strike fear into any man. And pounced towards the Darnell, gripping tight onto his left arm. As the man struggled with the wolf, he could feel his shoulder separating, further and further. Finally, the wolf took his arm clean off. Stunned, and still in shock, the man grabbed his own arm from the wolf. The wolf was confused, almost in awe over this feat of strength. The man started thrashing at the wolf, wildly and without regard. He pummeled the wolf with his own severed arm. The remaining wolf fled, the bear followed, although not before looking back at the man with one final glance of appreciation, and understanding.

The man amazingly survived, walking 8 miles to the ranger station he had passed hours before. He held his arm under his remaining appendage, soaked in the blood of bear, wolf, and man. They were able to reattach his severed limb, and he has since regained full functionality of it. The rangers called him lucky. He only said he was lucky the bear was there. If it wouldn’t have been for his partner, he would surely have been taken by the wolves.

To this day Darnell still hikes along the forgotten trails and streams of northern Washington. The only thing that has changed is he now carries a full-auto AR-15, everywhere.

-Ari Racz

New medical phenomenon reported

Tuesday February 4th, 2010

In a small town on the outskirts of Gretna, Virginia doctors are at a loss for words. A new post-modem  condition has been named. No, it isn't zombies, although that would be awesome. A man, who has declined to be named, was pronounced dead on arrival at the Gretna Medical Center. His original diagnosis was a sudden and massive coronary heart attack. Doctors further explained the heart attack may have been brought on due to his two and a half pack a day cigarette habit.

This death was nothing out of the ordinary, unexpected, but on par with the average heart attack. The medical phenomenon took place approximately 28 minutes after he was pronounced dead. A nurse came in to begin preparation for transport of the body to the morgue. It was at this time witnesses stated they saw the nurse run out of the room in a panic.

Doctors entered the room immediately after. Finding the patient halfway inside of a hospital body bag in preparation for transport. Puzzled, the doctors questioned the nurse, she told them the patient sat up and asked for a cigarette. At that point she fled the room. The doctors returned  and checked the patients vital signs, which were stable and nearly perfect. The patient promptly sat up and once again asked for a cigarette. The bewildered doctors had to act quickly to come to a unanimous conclusion. This conclusion has lead to one of the most profound physiological conditions to ever arise form the world of substance addiction.

"Reincarnative Addiction Reactivity". Yes, it sounds absurd. As close as the team of experts that have been constantly reviewing the case can tell, it has to do with the addiction center of the brain. The neurotransmitters that have been identified as the addiction center of the brain, had concentrated and amplified what little energy was left in the patient's brain. The remaining brainwaves, which can be detected more than three months after death, have "jump-started" the basic motor functions of the body. Restarting the heart, and breathing actions, essentially bringing the man back from beyond death.

The patient is fine today, the team of specialists are currently subjecting the man to a battery of tests. As of yet the findings have been inconclusive, the team will publish their research in every major scientific journal upon completion of the study. The man is still a heavy smoker, ironically, he contributes his entire new life to his addiction to nicotine. He even credits his life to the Marlboro company. The entire tobacco industry has inquired in regard with making a documentary based on the man's life, and death, and life again. They are still awaiting a response form the man's attorney. I expect the tobacco industry to attempt to use this man's re-life as a way to advocate smoking. We shall see what comes of it.

So kids, remember not to smoke. Unless you want to miraculously come back to life, kinda like Jesus, just without all the crucifixion nonsense.

-Ari Racz 

Pass the salt, please!

For centuries salt has been really important. Yes, it makes food taste good. It makes roads safer to drive on during the winter months. It even can make energy! I’m sure you are wondering why I am writing about salt. Doesn’t really seem that important, does it? Well, I’ll lay out a few facts for you. There are over 14,000 uses for salt. Everything from making windows and plastics, to sensitive experiments involving physics and astrophysics. That’s right, even space thinks salt is important, just ask the astronauts who would die if there wasn’t any salt for their space suits!

There is salt somewhere in there.

First of all, I’ll get to the history of salt. It goes way back. And by “way back” I mean over 4 thousand years ago, and it’s been recorded much further back than that. The Great Wall of China was literally funded by salt! The Emperor of China (Still the leading country in salt production) actually made enough money from trading salt to Europeans to keep the Mongols out of his back yard. Without salt, China would be riding horses and shooting arrows at everything and anything in sight. The Chinese aren’t the only ones that built stuff because of salt. The Eerie Canal, one of the most important trading routes in North America was built partially because of salt!

 

"Salt?! Are you kidding me... SALT?!"

It doesn’t stop at building stuff either. Roman soldiers were given a salary of salt, they called it "salarium argentums”, which has become the word Salary.

A whole month's worth of war.

We all know that one! During the 13th-16th centuries, salt was of major importance in West Africa. So important, it was actually traded ounce-for-ounce for gold. That’s right, the Saharan salt trade caravans are still cameling around Africa, but they don’t trade it for gold anymore, probly just children…

 

One child for every block of salt.

Ghandi even marched to the sea at one point, he wanted to make salt tax free from the British Empire. Oh that Ghandi.

 

All he is eating, is salt.

Today China is the leader in salt production of the world. That and cheap toys painted with lead… They produced over 59 million metric tons of salt in 2007... Million metric tons. That is a whole shitload of salt. There are many different ways to produce salt. Ranging from mining salt using blasting and pulling it out of the ground, to chemically treating brine, a liquid comprised of water and salt. Evaporating sea water is an up and coming way to produce it, although the energy required could top over 10 million dollars per facility… One way to combat that, would be using molten salt to produce energy… That’s right, they can actually use salt to make energy. And it won’t run out like oil. Suck on that you oil execs!

 

"You're trying to tell me, salt is more important than us?"

Salt can be pretty pricey. There is one type of salt, called Viking Salt, that sells for over 150 dollars… per pound.

 "They did what for salt? Blew up a subway?!"

There are over 40 different types of salt, each with it’s own distinctive flavor, texture, and use. Some of it is even used in explosives. Imagine if we were still to consider salt in such a high regard? It is probably the most important mineral ever discovered, and the most abundant. It’s a reusable natural resource, that’s right, you can reuse it with certain applications. Next time you’re reaching for the salt, don’t forget how important it really is. There are over 14,000 uses for salt. Basically everything in your house has had salt involved with it at one point or another.

 

Imagine that.

-Ari Racz

Anti-Gravity event reported

Friday, February 12th.

An unexplained geological event has rocked the small, isolated region of New Jersey. Scientists are still baffled as to what could cause the phenomenon. Eyewitnesses from the site said, "It seemed like the ground just threw them up!". Some physicists have stated it could only have been an anti-gravity field. Others have dismissed these claims as "Hogwash", and "Poppycock". The residents within the effected area noticed plates lifting off tables, lamps turning on their side, among many other strange occurrences. During the event, a local store owner witnessed the snow fall literally reverse, and begin to rise up from the streets. One policeman found a discarded Pepsi can on the side of the road, it has yet to be determined as a cause of the incident.

Many theories have been purported, although no exact cause has been established. The leading theory is that an unknown scientist has created and tested an anti-gravity weapon. Although, the claim is unsupported as of this time. More information will be released upon further investigation. The second leading theory is one of magnetic disturbances in the Earth’s magnetosphere. Once again, an unsupported, yet valid claim. A more interesting, yet highly disregarded theory, is the phenomenon is that it was caused by the Russians. This theory has been put forth by a cold war operative, it has not been given high credibility.

Particle Physicist Edward Riley, of Cornell University, spoke at the new conference from the Mayor’s office in Jersey City. He stated “There is no reason to alarm, or to panic the public. We believe this was an isolated incident, with no further repercussions.” He said while gingerly floating about three feet from the podium, and gripping tightly to his toupee. He went on to say “Further ‘aftershocks’ were not to be expected.” He gave no solid information leading to a conclusion to the event, as none have yet been found.

The national weather service offered a simple statement by request of the Governor. “We have no *#^@*ing clue.”  To which the National Geological Society added, “Yeah, we’re pretty much shooting blanks in the dark at this one, too.”

Will there ever be a reasonable explanation to these events? After further review of the facts and statements from the scene, I have come up with a simple answer to this question. “No.” So stop worrying about it, and if it does happen again, enjoy it, but try to stay grounded or else you’ll end up with your head in the clouds.

-Ari Racz

Unicorns: Narwhals landlocked cousin!

Unicorns aren’t just magical creatures that fart rainbows and puke up bunnies. No, they are a mystical animal rooted deeply in mythology of almost every culture. Besides America, who thinks they can walk on clouds and make peoples teeth fall out from smiling so much! The real story is much more interesting, in fact, it’s down right magical!

Also, unicorns are Jesus.

The first appearance of a Unicorn, was in medieval times. There are references to them in everything from the bible to my little pony. They must be real if the bible says so! In the Bible they represented strength and dignity. Usually as a one horned animal… So the translation because Unicorn… Somehow. They are typically represented by a bull, or another horned animal depicted standing in such a way where you can only see one of the horns.  There are no references to unicorns in Greek mythology… They are in natural history… that’s right, the Greeks thought they actually existed. Oh, they found them in India, because why the hell not, right?

Yeah, she's a virgin.

For centuries cultures have been mistaking animals for Unicorns. That’s right, people actually thought there were like a million different kinds of them. Like the Rhinos in Africa, Narwhals in the water, single-horned goats, and pretty much anything else that was hanging around the opium den.

Unicorns were thought to have the power to neutralize poisons… So people would spend ridiculous amounts of money on goblets made out of “Unicorn Horns”. Sort of like an infomercial nowadays. Another handy thing the Unicorns could do in the dark ages, was to be able to tell if a woman was a virgin or not. It has been said that only virgins can ride them… Sort of suggestive don’t you think?

People used to hunt Unicorns. Seriously, hunt Unicorns. It was a pretty tricky hunt too, you couldn’t just go and blow a hole the size of a basketball in them. You had to lure them in, with a virgin. Once again, suggestions much? Man, those ol school people were really, really against women! Now before you go all PETA on my ass, remember, these are only based on mythology… And a lot of drugs.

Unicorns are tough bastards.

There have been bones found that seem to be something like a Unicorn.. Or maybe it was just a prehistoric Rhino? Who the hell knows, certainly not anyone that has any kind of nonsense beliefs… Like Unicorns. Besides, it was proven that if Unicorns had cloven hooves (as they were said to have) then they must have had cloven skulls. Whatever the fuck that means. And something with a cloven skull can’t grow a single horn. Well that makes perfect sense. PERFECT SENSE.

So next time you want to go find a Unicorn, go to India, find a virgin…. And then pray. Because face it, you aren’t going to have much luck unless you have radical ideas about the way the world works. Oh, and better wear some protective gear. Those horns are really fucking stabby.

Awwww, isn't it just sooo, OW MY EYE!

Scrappy is the spawn of satan (Actually his dog)

Sure, we all hate the little prick. Some of us might even want to assault him. (Add cook and eat if you live in Taiwan) But the thing is, most of us don’t know why we hate him. That’s where I step in.

Being an openly avid Scooby fan, having seen every single episode of the original run, I feel I am most qualified to lay the truth on you. Scrappy-Doo is the son of Satan’s dog. Are you really surprised? He tries to fight everything. The pup opened Pandora’s box for fuck’s sake! He literally unleashed every demon and evil spirit contained in the most evil thing ever created. Just to put it into perspective, Scooby and Shaggy always ran away from anything, even grasshoppers. Scrappy, on the other hand, would run headlong into any situation.

Something like that.

Literally, any situation. House on fire, full of zombies on fire, with mutated leeches, and Leatherface? Scrappy is there knocking on the front door.

Don't worry, Scrappy's in there.

Yes, he was even more annoying than Scooby-Dum (Who was clearly retarded).

Clearly.

First of all, no one likes Scrappy. Look at the movie they made, he was the villain.He transformed into a hulkish monster from hell.

More like scrappy douche.

If anyone knows the story behind Pandora’s box, which I’m sure you have some idea about the myth. Scrappy was not the one who originally opened the thing, it was Pandora. The box contained all the evils, ills, diseases, and burdens that have plagued mankind from that point on. So you see how stupid Scrappy really is, seriously, he’s a few notches below Scooby-Dum.

Because he opened the box, they had to team up with Vincent Price... That's right, Vincent Price was the only man on the planet willing to help poor Scooby out.

I still can't decide if he's creepier as a cartoon.

So you can plainly see the separation between the two. I honestly believe Scooby-Dum wouldn’t even bother to open the box, but play with a bunch of the other cooler, less evil crap laying around the place.

Like books, which he couldn't read.

At least Scooby-Dum didn’t try to get anyone into trouble. He just ended up doing it on accident, but it seemed to work out well. Scrappy on the other hand, did it all on purpose. Like he wanted to collect on Scooby’s vast fortune of Scooby Snacks.

Is it worth murder? Scrappy thinks so.

So next  time you run into Scrappy. Give him the cold shoulder. Or better yet, a kick to the solar plexus. That'll show him what "puppy power" really is!

-Ari Racz

What if Dinosaurs never went extinct?

Think about it. We would be the Flintstones! I’m sure we wouldn’t have dinosaurs vacuum our rugs, or wash the dishes… What would we do with them? Would they be gigantic? Or would they have shrunk to proportionate size like cats and dogs, alligators, birds, lizards…. Instead of dogs, would we have pet brontosaurs?

Just for arguments sake, I’m going to go ahead and tell you that the dinosaurs never went extinct, never ate every human in sight, and are still awesomely huge. Well, the awesomely huge ones anyhow!

Here’s a few images that I managed to snag from an alternate dimension. Yes, I can do that. Don’t believe me? Look at the pictures, damn.

"Mommy, where do babies come from?"

  I’m sure we would be using velociraptors as police dogs.

 

"Easy Bruno, we'll get that underage smoker!"

What about bull fights? Yeah, without bulls it would be a bit different!

"You've got him right where he wants you!"

What about ancient history? Do you think they would lead a charge of trained T-rexes? What about ancient Rome? Those gladiators would be in for it!

"I didn't sign up for that!"

Would we have had cattle and a Stegasaurus ranch? Branding would be a little tricky!

"Um, Jeb? I'm having second thoughts about the last one there."

All in all, the world would definitely be a very, very interesting place. (Albeit more dangerous!) Never again will you have to worry about squirrels! Just those pesky tiny dinosaurs that ate the guy in one of those Jurassic Park movies, I forget which one, but that's not important!

-Ari Racz

The most useless USB devices created in the history of the universe, ever

If there is one thing I know, it is that there is no other reason to have a computer besides porn, and reading my blog. So it is no stretch of the imagination that people would inexplicably combine their "hardware" for a more interesting "software" experience. The age of computers has brought the likes of absurdity into the limelight. We've all seen strange computer attachments, like a coffee mug warmer, which actually comes in handy when you have coffee, but the "Humping Dog" usb drive that literally sold-out on Thinkgeek.com is just mind boggling.

Here's a look at some other peripherals, that would completely blind-side the unseasoned “pornnet” (that’s the new name for the interwebs) user.

The "22-7"

It is a 22 inch monitor. No big deal, right? When you need a "little bit of extra" workspace, that's when you attach a 7" monitor to it. Some people think it's a great idea, exactly 2 people in fact. The rest of the world doesn’t really want to have to do office work on a gameboy screen. Sure the price tag is low compared to, well, anything you'd actually think is handy, yet those two people actually believe it is worth it!

Here is an excerpt from one of the reviews on the site I found it on.

"Actually it makes a lot of sense, if you use graphical tools or photo tools they have a lot of toolbars that get in the way of your work, having those toolbars on another screen helps a lot." - Broken Bird

Well, when you put it that way...

The USB powered Ass Cooler

Where would this article be without Japan? The world loves Japan, more so in the way that we just can't look away. 90% of the articles you will read on the entire internet are fueled by Japanese rage, and by rage, I mean horrid perversity. Those crazy Japanese have decided that the only thing better than sitting in your underwear at the computer for 64 hours straight(link to guy dying at computer in internet café), is to do the same with a nice chilled rump. So they have brought to you, the USB powered butt cooler. It is exactly what it sounds like. You plug it in, sit on it (Ayyyy) and let the cooling feeling creep up your cheeks. Perhaps it would be a bit better to just, you know, stand up every now and then.

"Ayyy, my ass is the coolest!"

The Rocket

I can picture it now. You sitting in your little cubicle, swearing to God and anyone else within earshot about that TPS report you have to finish. Why not blow off some steam? Here’s your ticket. The USB powered, computer aimed rocket launcher. No, it doesn’t explode. No, it isn’t impressive. But you can be damned sure to garnish absolutely  no respect from anyone that you shoot it at, if you still have a job after all the “assault” charges that will be filed against you. Just remember to aim for the eyes, it’s the only chance you’ll have at a clean getaway.

Careful there, Saddam!

The USB Necktie

Are you an on-the-go business man? A eccentric philanthropist? A complete loser? Then this is the tie for you! I don’t really have too much to say about it. Other than, why the hell would anyone wear this, I mean, who’s going to be so busy that they don’t have time to actually just pull a USB out of their pocket? Seriously, get a life whomever is wearing this. Yes, you, the one guy in the universe that actually bought this. Douche.

He owns 27 of them.

-Ari Racz

Santa is really a zombie (Seriously)

Actually, Saint Nick isn’t a fat guy at all. Also, he never gave out presents, unless you count the massive dowry he put up so a few chicks didn’t have to be prostitutes. Wait, what? It’s true! He gave three impoverished daughters of a pious Christian enough cash so they wouldn’t have to whore it out all over the place. Now that's the spirit!

Santa at his best.

Santa doesn’t live in the North Pole, not year-round at least. Among his many homes, the zip codes include H0H0 H0, and 99705, from Canada and Alaska, respectively. He is also said to live in Finland, Denmark, Greenland, Norway, Sweden, and Jersey Gardens (The shopping mall). Basically, Santa is an international playboy. I would have to assume his wife isn’t old and ugly, but rather a former Bond girl that dresses up like an elf every now and then.

Because he lives in Canada, you’d probably not want to get your hopes up too high, just expect a sweater and some reindeer socks. The Canadian Minister of Immigration actually proclaimed Santa a full-fledged citizen of Canada, so that’s one thing they have on everyone else.

And whatever the hell this is all about.

Santa does have a magical workshop in the North Pole, it’s magic, and yes it’s there. He owns many sweatshops across the globe, where he “employs” magical elves…

"Magical" "Workshop"

After they have worked themselves into malnutrition and bloody fingers, he feeds them to his reindeer. How else do you think they fly? Duh. Oh, and those reindeer socks you’re getting, also dyed with elf blood. Just saying.

Bloodthurst.

Kids have been writing letters to Santa for like, ever. They get answered by volunteers from the post office. More than 13,000 a year since 1982, actually. That just leaves one question in the minds of the youth of today. “Daddy, why does my letter from Santa smell like the study on poker night?”

The truth about Santa, is that his modern image was created by a few poets and story tellers over the past few centuries. It seems that companies can sell an image that looks like this:

Compared to this:

"I present you, children. Don't ask."

Yeah, that’s what he would have really looked like, not too interesting, right? Much better as a fat guy that breaks into your house and steals your milk and cookies every year. It’s only natural that a few people would want to make the whole story and enigma of Santa just that much less tangible to the imagination. Because in reality, he wasn’t that great, in fact, he was just really, really religious. “Saint Nicholas of Myra was just a Greek Christian Bishop, and he was typically portrayed wearing your basic monkish robe and gear". (Think the friar from Robin Hood)

Santa is actually very dead. Originally his remains were laid to rest in Turkey. Turkey also claims the title of “Final resting place of the Virgin Mary”, suck on that every other country, ever. Even though he’s a bag of bones now, he still likes to travel. He made it all the way to Italy (with help, of course). He still manages to get up and around the world once a year. Because he’s a zombie. Zombie fucking Santa. How awesome would that movie be?! Next time you’re leaving out milk and cookies, think twice. If you were a zombie, wouldn’t you really want some brains and elf blood? Maybe if you do that, he’ll give you a little something extra under the tree next year!

Makes perfect sense.

So Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you have a great time with your friends and families! And remember, keep the fire lit, zombies hate fire.

-Ari Racz

The higgs Boson Particle... Is a jerk.

So we all know what the Higgs Boson particle does, right? Really? You have no clue what any of that means? Where have you been, under a rock? Seriously, everyone knows about that! It is the particle that supposedly gives everything mass. And also, is a jerk. It can travel through time just to make you look like you have no idea what you’re doing, just to point and laugh at you.  Here’s a pie chart I stole from the Cornell physics department to prove to you how much of a jerk this thing is.

Clearly a jerk.

Mr. Boson (aka jerk) has been said to have traveled from the future to stop itself from being discovered. There is still no word if Sarah Connor is safe. It seems like the particle is a terminator designed to terminate itself before it exists. Self aware particles can’t be good for anything at all. Which begs the question, how the hell does a particle go back in time on it’s own accord, and stop itself from being found? No, I do not have an answer to that question, and neither does anyone else.

Cern’s newest LHC mechanic.

 So far the particle has traveled back in time over 80 times, then again that is a conservative estimate. Stopping experiments around the world just so that we won’t know it is there. Even though if it is in fact stopping attempts to find it, doesn’t that prove that it exists? Seems like the whole religion debate… No wonder why they call it the “God Particle”.

Higgs Boson at work.

So why on Earth would scientists want to find such a douche. Well, it would solve many of the issues that scientists have with holes in equations and whatnot. First of all it would allow us to figure out how things obtain the mass that they have, also how jerks react to anything ever. Solving the super symmetry theory would be a great step ahead in physics. The particle could answer many of the riddles that have plagued physicists since Newton got pissed at an apple.

“God I hate apples.”

The best tool for the search for the jerk, is the Large Hadron Collider. It is massive, 26,659 meters, that’s over 16 miles in circumference. The scientists have to cool the giant electromagnets by using over 60 tons of liquid helium, couldn’t they just freeze the Higgs Boson like T-1000? This thing is so powerful, it accelerates particles to 99.99% of light. The only problem is that the LHC will only last around 15 years. So the Higgs Boson wins once more! All it has to do is keep messing with shit from the future…

Yeah, something like that.

It would be greatly exciting to find the particle, and well, might help us understand how to do some things more efficiently. From pretty much anywhere you can look, cars use gas, understanding the mass of things could allow us to unleash a great deal of energy from what we already have. Space travel would most definitely advance a few leaps. Even shoes, Tvs, pretty much anything you could ever imagine would be better. Only if that particle wasn’t such a douche.

My trip to the Bronx Zoo (Rejected by the New York Times)

It has been years since I've visited my friends at the Bronx Zoo. I decided to take a field trip there and give you the scoop on all the new stuff they have! Eco bathrooms, Astor court, the Congo Gorilla Forest, and of course, the Wild Asia monorail! So exciting!!! It took about two hours to get there, so I left a bit early. I took the 5 train all the way to Southern Blvd. and had to hoof the rest. I came in the south gate entrance, and had to plan my round in the zoo based on that.

The first place I decided to hit because I wanted to have an even flow around the place, was the pheasant aviary... It was horridly boring. I moved on to the Gorillas. They were awesome, hooting and hollering, and throwing stuff at the hopefully bulletproof glass.. Maybe that last one was because I kept acting like I was going to poach their pelts, or that's what I kept telling them. From there I went to the wild African dogs, and the giraffe building. Those dudes are tall, like, really really tall. Somehow I ended up in the middle of the African Plains part, and when I say in the middle, I mean right in the middle of the exhibit. I don't think I was supposed to be there, the zoo staff was positive I wasn't supposed to be in there. After a lengthy explanation, they played right into my plan to make them think I was just an idiot. Damn, I love being an investigative reporter.

As I left the administration building at the Asia gate, somehow I had managed to maintain my original path around the park! I went to jungle world, and saw the tigers, one of my favorite! I saw the monkeys (yes, flinging poo) and I saw some fishies, it seemed odd, to house all of the tigers favorite foods right next door, but it is not my place to say so. I did anyway. The staff didn't seem too happy about my suggestion to separate them for fear of the monkeys being tiger food. A six year old started to cry due to my observation, I decided it was time to go. I left the monkey death house in favor of the "Wild Asia Monorail", which begged the question... "How lazy are these animals?" I found no animals on the monorail, my guess was because they didn't have jobs. I left the monorail area and took a right, and followed the left fork in the road... I got to the lions, they seemed very unimpressed when I flashed my press pass, which I had made on the train out of a permanent marker and the back of my monorail ticket. Without having a single piece of usable interview from the lions, I kept moving. I saw the baboons, not too impressive though. I decided to go into the "World of Darkness" exhibit, where I promptly fell down three flights of stairs. When I awoke from my stupor, I found myself inside of one of the displays... Unfortunately for me it was the man-eating snake display. Luckily, I had my stun gun with me, because elephants never forget. After my brief (yet exhausting) battle with the giant behemoth of an animal, I stood victorious! They immediately threw me out of the "World of Darkness".

That's when I hit the highlight of my trip. I was heading in the direction of the Big Bears exhibit. I was pleased to see the grizzly, he was a big mofo! When I arrived at the polar bear exhibit, it was all roped off with coverings around it. I poked around and asked a worker bee what the hell was going on, because I wanted to see the fucking polar bear. He told e some fancy scientist from the arctic circle was conducting an experiment with robots interacting with them. So I punched him in the throat and flashed my press pass. I may have punched him much harder than intended, he hit the floor and waved his arm in one wild unconscious motion. I took this as a sign that my credentials were valid, and proceeded into the tent like structure blocking my inquisitive view. What I saw there, was just spectacular! I saw the experiment they were conducting, a polar bear knife fighting a robot. Fucking brilliant. I snapped a few shots before the security guard chased me two feet and slipped on a banana peel. Thanks monkeys!

I didn't think anything could top that, I mean, come on! So I decided to just breeze through the rest of the park, reminiscing about my extraordinary luck to be at the zoo the very same day that they were conducting such a bad-ass experiment. I went to the Himalayan highlands area, saw a snow leopard, and a bird... Once again these people are so comfortable putting predators right next to their natural prey. I continued on my way, taking a left along a very very long path. It had one squirrel on it, one. I didn't think the zoo would just forget about an entire nearly mile-long stretch of land, but they put a squirrel in it, so that works I suppose. This path lead me to the new Eco restroom. It was pretty impressive, I'd have to say. Not much more than a bathroom though. On my way back to where I originally came from I had a few nifty exhibits to look at, so I continued on my way happily. I passed up the world of birds, however. having striking visions of Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds". Moving instead to the bison area... Which made me crave for a bison burger. I went to the concession stand and asked if they had any. They said no, of course. I thought to myself, "How could a place that actually has bison, not have a bison burger?" Flabbergasted, I stomped towards the zoo center to complain about that. Once again, my credentials were not recognized for the hard-hitting journalistic appeal I usually muster. Being waved off, I decided to leave for the day. Having a satisfying trip (Just because of the polar bear robot knife fight) I may end up taking another trip sometime in the near future.

It was on the way home that the most intense thing of the day happened. I was waiting for the 5 train around 4:45 PM, and that's when it happened. I was simply sitting there, giggling like a pansie about the polar bear robot knife fight pictures I managed to obtain, when a group of ninjas popped out of nowhere. Everyone fled. Me, being the die-hard giver of facts that I am, decided to stay and cover the event for future pubication. I wasn't sure why they were there in full fighting attire, but I was sure as hell going to find out. After a few moments, a couple samurai tromped down the stairs in full battle armor. Now this was getting good. The ninjas spared no time in attacking, they launched a furry of suruiken and stars at the samurai, they seemed unphased, and charged with a full battle cry that nearly made me shit mysef. There was a battle that lasted a whole three minutes and 47 seconds. One samurai remained, and two ninjas. I was impressed with the samurai, the ninjas just flipped off, most likely because they had to get some shoes.

I was pleased with my day at the zoo. I saw a lot of cool animals, some not so cool animals. A polar bear knife fighting a robot, which I didn't think I will ever see again in my entire life. Unless that experiment pans out, I guess. I got thrown out of a few places, almost eaten by a snake, nearly pummeled by a gorilla. Pretty good story all around, I presented it to my editor. He sneezed and used it as a tissue, even though he was holding a tissue in his left hand. Asshole. So here it is, not in the news, but on my blog. And that was my trip to the zoo. Maybe next time you could come with, you know, just to watch my back!n The pics will come soon! Not having a card reader is a bitch... Damn monkeys.

Bottoms up! A few reasons to be a (moderate) booze hound!

Throughout the years there have been many reasons to drink. Beer Pong, Frat Parties, that one girl that didn't look so good ten minutes ago... Nowadays even doctors are telling people it might not be a bad idea to have a few drinks, hence the reason Bruce Campbell is the fine specimen of a man he is today. And also why so many people in AA are well, the way they are.

Your new personal trainer.

Here's a few doctors that go right ahead and tell you to finish your drink, you panzy.

Alzheimer's?

So you don't want to be a drooling, mumbling, shell of a human at age 65, good for you. Here's a little something that might help you out, booze! That's right, in 2002 a study was conducted over a 6 year period, it included 5,000 people over the age of 55. In the beginning of the study none of the participants had any signs of Alzheimer's, when it ended 197 of them were forgetting to put on pants before leaving the house. You might think that's not so incredible, but look at the facts! 5.3 million people in America have Alzheimer's. Go ahead, look out the window. Do you see that guy to the left? Everyone but him has Alzheimer's. Don't worry though, in just over a minute he'll forget where he lives.

Are these my teeth?

So how does alcohol help?

Out of all 5,000 people that were fine, the ones that had 1 to 3 drinks a day, ended up being 42% more fine in the end. Even people that had 1 to 3 drinks a week ended up being 25% less likely to develop some kind of dementia. Bottoms up, before you forget to pour that next one!

He's totally going to remember that. Unfortunately, so will all of us.

A beer a day...

It's true, fuck apples, beer is where it's at!  Everyone knows the key to good health is to be happy (Just look at Bill Clinton). But when it comes to being happy, what is better than beer? Hypertension is a condition that effects most of the people in America, even hardened journalists, sometimes. Dr. Norman D. Kaplan stated "The benefits of drinking moderate amounts of alcohol is well beyond contention." We couldn't agree more, Doc!

"According to my machine, you died three months ago."

So how does beer do the trick?

In a study done by Dr. Kaplan, now known as "God Among Men", documents the plight of over 70,000 female nurses. That's right, women love beer too, suck on that fratty boy!  In the study he found that the nurses that indulged in a few beers here or there had far less stress levels than those who pounded some vodka after a shift of blood soaked sheets, proving without a doubt that beer is king!

Damn straight.

DIABETES!  

Yeah, one of the most costly ailments in America. Booze helps. Medical researchers looked into 15 studies and found that if you drink moderately, you have a significantly less risk to develop type 2 diabetes. So, make sure you have a glass of wine with that cake, fatty! People that drank up to four drinks a day were 30% less likely to get it.

Above: Heavy drinker

So how does it help? 

First of all, if you do have diabetes, you're not out of luck. Alcohol has shown to improve the effects of insulin in a "healthy" diabetic. Meaning, you too can drink your woes away, or just sit in that recliner with a sixer and a pack of cheese-puffs. It has also shown to improve fatty acid levels, which obviously are important, and stuff.  The sauce also improved HDL cholesterol. That's the stuff you want, not that damn bad cholesterol. (You know, Big Macs)

The helmet should help, right?

So there you have it. Drinking good. So, have another round on me! While you're chugging that last little bit, remember, you're doing yourself a favor!

-Ari Racz